Things People Say (part 2)

February 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 Comments
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In my last post I should have included the fact that I am positive I have said, written or done the wrong things at the wrong times.  Almost every time I call my father-in-law, who is a recent widower, I cannot seem to stop myself from starting the conversation with, How are you?” I try to rephrase the question as soon as it comes out of my mouth but it is always too late.

Over the weekend, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who is thinking about starting infertility treatments.  I feel like I have earned a masters (or at least an honorary degree) in infertility.   At first I started to tell her about the injectables, IUIs and the IVFs.  Luckily, my brain kicked in before I opened my mouth.

I thought back to my life before the twins were born.  Jake had died.  There was no “your baby died, now you get a baby free pass” for me and Evan.  Eventually we boarded the infertility rollercoaster.   The sadness and desperation were all-consuming.  Every month seemed like an eternity.

My friend was in pain and did not need to hear about my depths of despair.  So, instead of sharing my war stories I gave her the phone number of my doctor.  Then I told her if she ever felt like talking I would always be here to listen.

There seem to be endless opportunities in life to say the wrong thing.  It is hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and separate out your own feelings.  We all have different experiences.  We start from a variety of places.  Who is to judge what is right and what is wrong?  All we can do is try our best.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
                                                                      ~Dalai Lama

After I did have the twins one of my favorite friends sent me the link to the video below.  It makes me smile so I thought I would share.


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  1. Oh. My. Word. I realize this is a Sims spoof…but is that what it’s really like?

    I am pretty sire I have asked some of those dumb ass questions though lol

  2. I’d like to comment on the idiots and what they say, except I know I have been an idiot too. I think it’s all about learning…and listening. I hope to learn to be a better listener.

  3. Thanks for sharing this video Lanie. I needed that.

  4. Lanie, you are so wise. There is a huge difference between people who think about what they’re saying and people who don’t. It doesn’t always save us from saying something stupid – I did it just the other week to a good friend, but at least had the sense to realize and apologize later.

    Of course, sometimes it’s impossible to know what will be a bad thing to say. After Sebastian died, lots of people said, “I know someone who…” I’m sure they thought it was a good thing to say – let her know she’s not alone, it’s not her fault, etc. But somehow it was not comforting at ALL.

    Now, I hope I’m not saying the entirely wrong thing… but I’m glad you have twins. I hate that you had to go through infertility treatments in addition to all your other suffering – infertility alone is quite enough to go through – but your twins are so amazing and I’m just glad to think that they have each other, since they don’t get to play with their other siblings. (If that’s a bad thing to say, I apologize.)

  5. This video is hysterical. I wonder if people would even recognize themselves as the words are coming out of their mouths. Which one do you like better? Indeed!

  6. Another educational post and video! Thanks for sharing…

  7. […] a few different posts I have written about what people have said to Evan and I after Jake and then Sawyer‘s deaths.  There seem to be endless opportunities in life to say the wrong thing.  It is […]

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