TMI vs. not TMI?
February 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in life lessons, normal?, twins, venting | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, infertility, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I do talk about Jake and Sawyer – and if you are reading this then you know I do write about them quite often. They are never far from my thoughts. However, I will at times not mention my 2 children who are not with me. Sometimes it is because I do not know the other person and will never see them again. Other times it is because I do not want to see the look of pity which often accompanies Jake and Sawyer’s stories.
Then there are times when I give too much information on purpose. I distinctly remember a wedding shortly after Jake died. Evan and I were talking to 2 other couples. One of the couples, who are our very good friends, like us did not have any children at home at the time. The 3rd couple kept mentioning their kids and the fact that we did not have any. They asked things like, “How long have you been married?” We each answered. Couple #3 followed up with, “So, aren’t you thinking about having kids?” We each politely tried to dodge the questions and change the subject. Couple #3 did not take the hints. I finally had enough. I wanted to stop this line of questioning. So, I piped up,”We buried our son a few months ago.” I thought that the conversation would come to a screeching halt. I was wrong. Couple #3 does not miss a beat, “When will you start trying again?”
The past few days I have been once again tempted to share too much information in order to stop a conversation. We have been receiving many emails about teacher appreciation week at the twins’ preschool. Each class needs volunteers for a specific time so the teachers can eat a child free (aka peaceful) lunch. The exact time the volunteers are needed is when Evan and I have a meeting scheduled with a rabbi to discuss Sawyer’s unveiling.
At first I did not reply to the emails. The emails kept coming. I drafted the following:
“I am sorry I cannot volunteer for the teacher appreciation lunch because we need to meet with a rabbi so that we can plan our youngest son’s unveiling. We have had trouble getting the correct headstone. Now it is here and the rabbi who presided over Sawyer’s funeral took a visiting rabbi assignment up north. He won’t be back till April. A very good friend put us in touch with her rabbi. We are meeting with him at the exact same time you need volunteers.”
I deleted my rambling email and opted for not TMI:
“Sorry again but I just cannot volunteer at that time this week. If something changes I will let you know asap. Hope that you have a good night. Thank you.”
Sometimes less is more.
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A Mourning Mom 
Love you Lanie! Feel free to ramble on to me any time you want to. I’ll just reply with hugs. Xoxo
Comment by Meredith Maddry— February 28, 2012 #
Someone brilliant just sent me a mug that says “stop me before I volunteer again.” I don’t think you need to give a reason — I’m impressed you didn’t just hit delete each time they resent it.
Comment by Daphne— February 29, 2012 #
You are an amazing woman. Take care of yourself and say no when you need or want to. Sending hugs to you.
Comment by Kristen— February 29, 2012 #
Oh I have been in this place so many times. I try to opt for not-TMI but sometimes I just want to say “because my daughter died and I’m having a terrible day, that’s why.”
Comment by Jessica (@fourplusanangel)— February 29, 2012 #
You need never explain yourself. You need not worry about making others feel uncomfortable when they’ve already messed with some serious boundaries. You are an amazingly strong woman. I am always so impressed with you.
Comment by Amy Johnson— February 29, 2012 #