Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
Where are Sawyer & Jake?
January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, traditions | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, life after loss, what happens after we die?
I do not know exactly what I believe happens to us after we die. I like to think that Jake and Sawyer are with me where ever I go. Perhaps they are with Evan, the twins and others as well. Are they angels?
According to the free dictionary one definition of an angel is “a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam. . .”. Every religion seems to offer a different view on what happens after we die.
I go to the cemetery to “visit” Jake and Sawyer. I know that they are not really there. It is just their physical remains which are buried in that plot. I do not like to think about that part – especially in the cold weather. Cremation would have solved that issue for me but at the time I was so numb and just went through the motions of a Jewish burial.
Like so many of my questions about Jake and Sawyer, this one will be unanswered. I have made up my own answer. Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts. I hope that if they are actually somewhere else that they are safe, happy and know how much they are loved. I will always look for them in my dreams.
Life Lessons (part 2)
January 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, silver lining, twins | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, twins
“Today is the best day ever,” is a phrase the twins proclaim almost every day. This week I asked what exactly makes it the best day ever.
Day 1, we were in the carpool line and the teacher opened the car door. At that moment one of the twins proceeded to get sick in the car and on himself. His sister somehow managed to stay clean and went to school.
I drove home, cleaned him and the car. Our dryer had been broken so as I debated how best to clean the dirty clothes he announced, “This is the best day ever!” Really!? So, I asked him, what makes this the best day ever? He laughed as he replied, “The water you gave me after I got sick.”
Day 2, we woke up to this:
After we left the pediatrician to go pick up the prescription for pink eye, he proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!” I was so perplexed as to why he thought waking up with your eye glued shut and spending the morning at the doctor’s office was so fantastic. I asked again, “Really, this is the best day ever? What makes it the best?” He excitedly answered, “I get to go to CVS!”
Day 3, I had been up most of the night with the twins because of coughing and pink eye. They share a room so I decided to take one into the other room and hoped that everyone would get some sleep. The other room was originally our guest room. Then it was Sawyer’s room. Now most of Sawyer’s things have been removed, the guest furniture is in the room and it is still light green we had it painted before Sawyer was born.
I woke up in the morning and both twins were in the bed. They were talking about how Sawyer thinks this is the best day ever. I asked, “Why does Sawyer think this is the best day ever?” They replied, “He is so happy to share his room with us.”
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them – Lawrence Welk
Angels
December 28, 2011 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, year in review
No words today – just pictures from the past year.
Muddy Snow Angel
Snow Angel in Action
Rug Angel
Bath Angels
Grass Angel
Another Grass Angel
Rock Garden Angel
Rock Garden Angel #2
Leaf Angel
Airport Floor Angel (yuck!)
Stuffed Animal Angel
Stuffed Animal Angel #2
Missing Angel
Okay – the last picture is not from 2011. We wish we had pictures from this past year of Jake and Sawyer.
So this is Christmas
December 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 13 CommentsTags: Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
This is such a festive time of year. You can feel the happiness in the air. I want to wish everyone happy holidays but I may never send another holiday card again. I try in my own way. I do not always succeed.
I cannot figure out why anniversaries and holidays are harder. Every day Jake and Sawyer are gone. We are Jewish so Christmas should not be difficult except for the fact that it is also the anniversary of Sawyer’s death. No one is sure what time Sawyer really died. His death certificate says 4:30 am on December 26th. I believe he was gone before then but it does not really matter what time or place he died. It just matters that he did die. At times I fixate on the details and information I can understand to balance what I will never comprehend.
The last time I held him was at 10:45 pm on Christmas night. He was on the floor of our bedroom at 2:46 am on December 26th. The paramedics, the firemen and the police were there. No one would let me get close to Sawyer. In the ambulance I could not sit in the back with him. I sat up front feeling helpless and alone. Two years later I still feel helpless and alone.
I have hope and even joy but there is always something (someone) missing.
No matter what I do December 26th will come. I cannot make time stand still. I do not want to be any farther away from Sawyer than I already am but it will happen.
I wish I could go somewhere far away from our bedroom floor. I cannot run or hide. No matter where I go my grief goes too. I will keep very busy. I will be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be. Again, I will not always succeed. I will have hope. I will wait until I can hold Sawyer again.
For some moments in life there are no words.
~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Tear Soup
December 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: dark days, hope, Jake, life after loss, perspective, Sawyer
After Jake died many people gave us books to read about death and grief. I could not read any of them for a long time. I was searching for steps to get through the grief. The first book I managed to read was Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen. There are a lot of pictures and the story is simple. The book does not provide the “steps” I was looking for but it did help me.
The main character is Grandy, a wise old woman. She has suffered a big loss but the exact nature of the loss is not mentioned. She goes into her kitchen and cooks a batch of Tear Soup. The soup is made of memories and lots of tears. She cooks the soup throughout the book. She never really finishes cooking the soup but she does put some of it into the refrigerator to take out at a later time.
At the end of the book there are tips for the cook. I thought I would share a few of them:
• Grief is the process you go through as you adjust to the loss of anything or anyone important in your life.
• The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you love, or a change in health status are just a few of the situations that can cause grief.
• Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation.
• The amount of “work” your grief requires will depend on your life experiences, the type of loss, and whatever else you have on your plate at that time.
• A sudden, unexpected loss is usually more traumatic, more disruptive and requires more time to adjust to.
• You may lose trust in your own ability to make decisions and/or to trust others.
• Assumptions about fairness, life order, and religious beliefs are often challenged.
• Seasons, with their colors and climate, can also take you back to that moment in time when your world stood still.
• You may sense you have no control in your life .
.• Being at work may provide a relief from your grief, but as soon as you get in the car and start driving home you may find your grief come flooding back.
• You may find that you are incapable of functioning in the work environment for a short while.
• Because grief is distracting it also means you are more accident-prone.
• The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss.
• Over the years you will look back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life. Your understanding of life will just keep going deeper.
These days between Sawyer’s birthday and the day he died are difficult. I try to look back at what helped me in the past and hope that it will get me through these dark days.
“It is always darkest before the dawn.” Proverb
Perspective (part 2)
December 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm | Posted in Grief, why I write | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, family, life after loss
I did not know that my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George had 2 children predecease them until my aunt’s funeral in the summer of 2009. The rabbi spoke about Mitchell and a little girl. I had never heard about the baby girl. I asked my grandfather. He told me that the baby was born and only lived for a few days. My grandfather was almost 97 at the time and could not remember any more details. No one alive knew why the baby girl had died or if she had a name.
I thought back to my visit with Aunt Sophie right after Jake had died. It was 6 months after he had died and I felt like I was at rock bottom. I had asked her how she survived the death of her child. She was in her 90’s and responded to my question that she could not remember – it was all so long ago. I was asking about the death of Mitchell but I think she was actually referring to her baby girl.
Sawyer was born that fall and we named him after my Aunt Sophie. Sawyer died 6 weeks later and I cursed myself for ever thinking I had been at rock bottom. When I started to write this blog it was partly because I always want to remember. And, if there comes a day when I cannot remember I will have written it down so others can.
I just miss you
December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, holidays, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
It is me. Are you there? I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays. I was wrong. The dark days are back. It is part of the deal. This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days. They creep up. I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard. I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle. I wish the rest of the world would do the same.
I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think. It is not working this time. So I try to act as if everything is okay. Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine. I cannot pretend. Life without you and Jake is not okay.
My arms physically ache to hold you. Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me. When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry. Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?
We have given away or packed up most of your things. We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles. The gifts that were sent to you the week you died. The clothes you wore that last few days of your life. The condolence cards. Your death certificate. The cards of the police detectives. They are all still here. I wish that you were here too.
I do not want pity. I want you. I am just sad. Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet. I know that there is still light. I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.
I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.
Irked & Irritated
November 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Love, venting | 6 CommentsTags: BS, child loss, life after loss, Sad
I wrote about this last month. After doing some research it seems that there are only 2 big companies who make grave markers. I am not sure why this matters because at this point I cannot imagine grave marker shopping but I like to have the information. Information gives me a sense that I have some sort of control. And I clearly do not.
Tomorrow it will be December. We made the decision to order Sawyer’s headstone in August. We started the process. Evan has been sending the emails about the proof. He copies me. The proof has Sawyer’s name, date of birth, date of death and 4 short lines of text. It is frightening that the grave marker editors cannot get this right.
My heart always starts to race when I see the email with the Subject: FW: D 7010691 PONTZ, SAWYER . In some crazy recess of my brain I think that the email is going to explain to me why he died or better yet that he did not die at all. The majority of my brain knows that this is just another email about the wording on Sawyer’s headstone.
I know in many ways I am obsessing about the emails from the pathologist and the headstone. I am just grasping onto the little bits of Sawyer which can still be part of my day-to-day life.
The Club
November 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
There is a club that Evan and I have joined. Not many people talk about it although many have written about it. There are no dues for this club – at least not monetary ones. I have no idea how large the club is in numbers. There are no rules. No board members. Unlike most clubs no one actually wants to join this one.
It is a club whose only members are parents who have outlived their children.
Evan and I first joined in 2005 when Jake died. There are acronyms like “BLM” (baby loss mother) and “BLF” (baby loss father) that I now find to be very common terms. Membership in this club has taught me that there are no rules to living when your child has died. You have to do whatever it takes to get you through the day and to survive. The tools that I used to rely on to live no longer always help me.
I realize now that this club is made up of parents from every religion, class and country. There is a good chance that some of your neighbors belong to this club. I thought we already had a lifetime membership but our places in the club were once again secured when Sawyer died.
“Do not judge bereaved parents.
They come in many forms.
They are breathing, but they are dying.
They may look young, but inside they have become ancient.
They smile, but their hearts sob.
They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work,
they are, but they ARE NOT, all at once.
They are here, but part of them is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown
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