How are you? (part 2)
November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, yoga
This question has got to be one of the most common greetings. I wrote my first post about it. People really just want you to say all is well and move on. I used to be able to do that. I would even ask the question myself. After Jake died, I could not any longer. It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?” I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question. I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all. I say things like, “I am hanging in here.” Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”
I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time. Jake and Sawyer did die. I am always sad about their deaths. I do try to still live. However, I never truly feel fine. Until this weekend. In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?” And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?” And then he defined fine for me:
F*!*!D UP INSECURE NEUROTIC EMOTIONAL
I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”
Namaste.
Humpty Dumpty & Hope
October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, Terbutaline, trisomy 21, twins, unexplainable
In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer. Evan and I went to the ER. It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home. I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section. Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin. It is no longer given to women for preterm labor. My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.
When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant. In my mind that was great. Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died. After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person. Growing up I always believed in happily ever after. Everything would be ok. In 2005 my innocence was shattered. However, I somehow lived through that awful year.
The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine. (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion).
The twins were born at 35 weeks. Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks. Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth. Jake was 2 lbs. My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear. Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated. I am still piecing myself back together. I might be working on this for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.
However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.
Life & Light
October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: death, grandparents, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– – Benjamin Franklin
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents. Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
As we honor and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today. I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”). If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version. Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor. One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt. Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.
I know that death is part of life. GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous
Frustration & Phillies Fans
October 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: death, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
We ordered Sawyer’s headstone in August. Somehow it is October and it is not quite finalized. Perhaps this will mean that it will be correct the first time it arrives. Jake’s headstone took 3 tries.
The first headstone had the wrong dates. The second headstone had the right dates but said “Jack” instead of Jake. The third time was the charm and the correct headstone arrived.
We could not control what happened to Jake or Sawyer but you would think we could control the headstone. Here is to hoping that Sawyer’s first headstone arrives correctly. I guess everyone has frustrations in their lives. What are the things in your lives that you wish you could control?
As long as I am writing about things in life out of our control, to any Phillies fans out there I just wanted to say sorry about the playoffs. Here is one of the frustrated Phillies fans in my house.
Spam, Signed & Sealed
October 8, 2011 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
If I have ever emailed you since the late 90’s you may have recently received suspicious emails from my address. Let me apologize for any emails offering secrets of happiness or descriptions of sexual adventures. I promise if I knew the secrets to happiness I would let you all know immediately. Not sure what to write about the sexual adventures but please don’t open the link. However, it appears my email account (which I have had for almost 15 years) was hacked. I have changed my password. Hopefully, I will soon be spam free which coincides perfectly with my clean slate from the High Holidays.
The days between Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur are known at the Days of Awe. These days are for introspection and reflection on the sins from the past year. Names are written into the book of life. On Yom Kippur, the books is sealed. In the High Holidays since Jake and Sawyer have died, I have thought about the fact that they did not have any sins. So why were their names not inscribed in the book of life? I know there is no answer to this question but I had to write it anyway. I will not go down the path my mind usually takes. This is the path of guilt where I have thoughts about my sins being the reason that Jake and Sawyer were not written into the book of life. Must remember that my guilt is in the river.
WE REMEMBER THEM.
At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.
By Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Reimer
Go Guilt Go
October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
This week I went with the twins on a school field trip. We went to a park alongside a river. The purpose of the trip was to say the Tashlich prayer. Tashlich means to cast off. It is a Jewish tradition of “casting off” your sins and starting the new year with a clean slate. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year was this past week (just in case you did not already know that). I really like the idea of having a clean slate.
The way that the twins’ teachers explained Tashlich to the children was that it is putting all of your bad feelings into the river. Examples they gave were fighting with your brother/sister and not listening to your parents.
There were lots of feelings that I tried to “cast off” into the river. The top of my list was my guilt. My guilt that I did not do everything I could to protect Jake and Sawyer. I know logically that there was nothing I could do but as their mother I should have been able to protect them. I have replayed (in my mind and in talking to friends and therapists) Jake and Sawyer’s short lives over and over. I have tried to imagine if there could have been something I did or did not do that would have changed the fact that they both died.
I tried to leave my guilt in that river by the park. I will let you know how that works out for me. . .
Burritos, Buddha & Baggage
September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Buddha, death, grandparents, gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, siblings, twins, unexplainable, yoga
I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death. It is hard to let go. A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process. The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?
One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.
The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.
As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”
Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake. It means moving forward. It will not always be a straight path. Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey. Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):
Namaste.
Hats & Hope?
September 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 11 CommentsTags: cancer, CHD, child loss, gratitude, hope, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, SUIDS, unexplainable
I had been hoping for an answer to why Sawyer died. And while I was hoping, I wanted an answer to why Jake died. There is no answer today. There might not be an answer tomorrow. Or ever. I was hoping that I could fight against whatever caused the deaths of our babies. I could raise awareness. Help other families. Now I do not know what I am fighting against.
Perhaps in the case of Jake it is prematurity and hydrops that I need to fight. Maybe Sawyer will officially be another SIUDS statistic and I can try to figure out what that means. It seems hard to fight against the unknnown.
I have readjusted what I hope for in the past. It is once again time for me to change my hopes. I have to stop hoping for an answer.
I will continue to be so thankful for everything I do have.
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- So Happy in Her Hat
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- Paper Bag Hat
I will continue to be inspired by parents who have turned their grief into action:
The Ronan Thompson Foundation
Layla Grace Foundation
Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams
I hope to have the strength one day to also turn my grief into action. Writing and speaking about Jake and Sawyer is a step in the right direction. I just have to figure out what is next. Any suggestions?
Another Anniversary
August 27, 2011 at 9:58 am | Posted in Grief, mourning | 11 CommentsTags: Jake, life after loss
Six years ago at 6:14 am today, Evan and I held Jake for the first and last time.
I recently saw The Help, which in case you have not read the book or seen the movie, it is really about Mississippi in the early 1960’s. However, one of the main characters, Aibileen’s son died 3 years before the book began.
“After I spent a year dreading it. . .” the anniversary of his death finally comes. In the movie I think Aibileen said something like “I have trouble breathing today but to everyone else it is just another day to play bridge.”
“Three years just ain’t long enough. A hundred years ain’t gonna be long enough.” I could not agree with her more – 6 years is not long enough. I will miss Jake forever.
It is just another day. The world without Jake continues. Life goes on, as it must.
A Person is a Person
August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, parenthood
“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss
Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs. Not a big guy but a fighter. According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.
According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago. The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar. Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle. We said the mourner’s kaddish. After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it. Perhaps it is because I am usually crying. Perhaps it is a mental block. Whatever. We thought about Jake.
I will light another candle for Jake in a few days. I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries. I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.
Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.
Note: The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .
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