Hats & Hope?

September 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 11 Comments
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I had been hoping for an answer to why Sawyer died.  And while I was hoping, I wanted an answer to why Jake died.  There is no answer today.  There might not be an answer tomorrow.  Or ever.  I was hoping that I could fight against whatever caused the deaths of our babies.  I could raise awareness.  Help other families.  Now I do not know what I am fighting against.

Perhaps in the case of Jake it is prematurity and hydrops that I need to fight.  Maybe Sawyer will officially be another SIUDS statistic and I can try to figure out what that means.  It seems hard to fight against the unknnown.

I have readjusted what I hope for in the past.  It is once again time for me to change my hopes.  I have to stop hoping for an answer.

I will continue to be so thankful for everything I do have.

I will continue to be inspired by parents who have turned their grief into action:

The Ronan Thompson Foundation
Layla Grace Foundation 
Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams

I hope to have the strength one day to also turn my grief into action.  Writing and speaking about Jake and Sawyer is a step in the right direction.  I just have to figure out what is next.  Any suggestions?


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  1. Lanie- my suggestion for you is to turn your blog posts into a book. Your strength and wisdom is amazing and so many people would benefit from learning of your journey. it may not be one specific cause or focus, but rather much broader- to learn from your story of love and the greatest loss imaginable.
    How ever you focus your energies they will help someone. I know reading your blog always helps and teaches me. I can only guess that everyone else who reads this feels the same way.

  2. Geez do those two kids look happy. I’m not sure where you were but who they genuinely seem happy. = ) I think if you are not sure – you’ve now asked the universe to lead you – just stay open and something will come. But I don’t think it is a futuristic thing – you are already acting… you raise awareness, you comfort other mothers, you even comfort the people trying to comfort you. love you!

  3. Take a bit to just breathe, be thankful for all that you have, and live in the now. As Susan says – stay open and let the something come to you. 🙂 Love you! M

  4. I think you are already doing the work that needs to be done. Just look at the happy faces of your children to know that this is true.


  5. You said you hope to have strength to turn your grief into action? I think you have taken the best action by living everyday and being the best mom to Fletcher & Alyssa!! You are an amazing person, even if it doesnt feel it some days. I think about how strong and amazing you are ALL the time.

  6. Those are great pictures, and a testament to all you do each and every day. There is no better reward than those smiling happy faces.

  7. I ditto what Hillary said. I know you want to do more. I really could see you helping people who are dealing with grief. You are one of the most compassionate people I know and I think you are meant to connect with and help others in this way.

  8. I think you may underestimate what you are doing. You are turning your grief into action in this blog each time you tell us about your story. You are helping each person who reads understand grief better. Thank you for sharing with us. You are an amazing woman and mom! The pics are wonderful.

  9. Some very insightful comments from the folks above…read them and hear them–they sure make sense. You’ve already taken important action, and where you go with it from here is your decision.

  10. I agree with Meredith…turn your blogs into a book. There is no time limit for grief. Unfortunately there will always be grieving parents. Your search for answers and direction and your personal growth would offer a source of strength for those grieving parents yet to come. Ellen

  11. I ran across your blog while doing a search for “Sawyer’s Story”. We have gone through a similar situation with our son, Sawyer. I wanna encourage you to read our story at jmaxministries.com under “Sawyer’s Story”. There are a few other notes, but that is the main one.

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