Thankful
November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, holidays, hope, infertility, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins
I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving. In some ways I have come a long way. In other ways not so much. I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year. It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1. I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating. I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died. I avoided any and all holiday parties. I could not pretend to go through the motions. I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.
No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer. This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past. The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents. We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died. The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.
We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born. I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins. In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November. We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving. Needless to say we stayed home that year.
I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family. No travel, no stress. We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet. Maybe we never will. We will keep trying. I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Yesterday
November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there. Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday. It was also World Prematurity Day. Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.
November is also Prematurity Awareness Month. Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)? 3 of our 4 children were born premature. So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU. If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.
Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The Golden Sky.” She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke. His birthday would have been today. In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest. She graciously asked me to participate. I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.
Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story. Hopefully, one day I too will find that “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).
Humpty Dumpty & Hope
October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, Terbutaline, trisomy 21, twins, unexplainable
In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer. Evan and I went to the ER. It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home. I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section. Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin. It is no longer given to women for preterm labor. My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.
When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant. In my mind that was great. Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died. After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person. Growing up I always believed in happily ever after. Everything would be ok. In 2005 my innocence was shattered. However, I somehow lived through that awful year.
The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine. (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion).
The twins were born at 35 weeks. Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks. Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth. Jake was 2 lbs. My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear. Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated. I am still piecing myself back together. I might be working on this for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.
However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.
Life & Light
October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: death, grandparents, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– – Benjamin Franklin
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents. Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
As we honor and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today. I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”). If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version. Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor. One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt. Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.
I know that death is part of life. GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous
Frustration & Phillies Fans
October 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: death, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
We ordered Sawyer’s headstone in August. Somehow it is October and it is not quite finalized. Perhaps this will mean that it will be correct the first time it arrives. Jake’s headstone took 3 tries.
The first headstone had the wrong dates. The second headstone had the right dates but said “Jack” instead of Jake. The third time was the charm and the correct headstone arrived.
We could not control what happened to Jake or Sawyer but you would think we could control the headstone. Here is to hoping that Sawyer’s first headstone arrives correctly. I guess everyone has frustrations in their lives. What are the things in your lives that you wish you could control?
As long as I am writing about things in life out of our control, to any Phillies fans out there I just wanted to say sorry about the playoffs. Here is one of the frustrated Phillies fans in my house.
October
October 2, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, hope, parenthood, SIDS, SUIDS, unexplainable
Along with being Breast Cancer Awareness month, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month. Did you know that 2,000 women/men lose their babies in 1 day (and that is in the United States alone)?
Myths vs. the truth about pregnancy/infant loss:
Myth: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won’t happen to me or someone I know.
Truth:
- 25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy.org).
- Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes).
- Each year, in the US alone, about 20,000 babies die in their first month of life, many after being born prematurely (March of Dimes).
- SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants ages 1 month to 1 year.
Myth: Pregnancy/infant loss is something that happens to older moms, overweight moms, or moms with health issues.
Truth: “Baby loss” does not discriminate. Often, it’s young, perfectly healthy women who experience the loss of a baby. The Faces of Loss are of ALL kinds of women–young, old, black, white, thin, obese–pregnancy/infant loss can strike anyone.
Myth: Miscarriages and Stillbirths are usually caused by a lack of prenatal care or something else the mother did during her pregnancy.
Truth:
- Almost 100% of miscarriages could not have been prevented, with the majority being caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
- 25% of Stillbirths are caused by placental problems; 15% are caused by an infection; 2-4% are caused by umbilical cord problems, and 50% have no known cause of death whatsoever. While there are risk factors to be aware of (smoking, for instance), the overwhelming majority of stillbirths are completely out of the mother’s control.
Myth: A woman who has just lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with her life.
Truth: While this may be true for some, many are dying to talk about the child they lost, especially if it was a late-term pregnancy loss or infant loss. The chance to talk freely about their baby(ies), without feeling like they are making everyone uncomfortable, is something many, many women who have lost a baby wish for.
The information above is from I am the Face. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope tries to put real stories and faces with all of these statistics.
Handprints & Hope
September 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: grief, hope, life after loss, unexplainable
Thank you all for the kind comments. I appreciate them more than I can express in words. As I have done in the past, I keep reusing the word hope. Maybe if I write it enough times I will have more of it.
When I write I describe my life without Jake and Sawyer. They are never far from my thoughts but I do live my life. Some of the time I am acting and some of the time I am happy, sad, angry and all the other emotions that life throws at us all. I am trying to live. I would do anything for a life with all 4 of our children but I do not have that option. So, I will just do my best.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
– – “For Good” Lyrics from Wicked
Hats & Hope?
September 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 11 CommentsTags: cancer, CHD, child loss, gratitude, hope, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, SUIDS, unexplainable
I had been hoping for an answer to why Sawyer died. And while I was hoping, I wanted an answer to why Jake died. There is no answer today. There might not be an answer tomorrow. Or ever. I was hoping that I could fight against whatever caused the deaths of our babies. I could raise awareness. Help other families. Now I do not know what I am fighting against.
Perhaps in the case of Jake it is prematurity and hydrops that I need to fight. Maybe Sawyer will officially be another SIUDS statistic and I can try to figure out what that means. It seems hard to fight against the unknnown.
I have readjusted what I hope for in the past. It is once again time for me to change my hopes. I have to stop hoping for an answer.
I will continue to be so thankful for everything I do have.
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- So Happy in Her Hat
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- Paper Bag Hat
I will continue to be inspired by parents who have turned their grief into action:
The Ronan Thompson Foundation
Layla Grace Foundation
Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams
I hope to have the strength one day to also turn my grief into action. Writing and speaking about Jake and Sawyer is a step in the right direction. I just have to figure out what is next. Any suggestions?
August Attire?
August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, happy, hope, life after loss, parenthood, twins
It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October. Halloween to be specific. The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.
The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken. Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.
It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months. I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.
“One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb
Cosmic Connections & Kindness
August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 CommentsTags: grandparents, gratitude, hope, Jewish customs
Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house. They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it). Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died. It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.
Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies. The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake). There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave. I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.
This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend. In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins). I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there. In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.
Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave. Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite. Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”
The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass. Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away. The grass had become extremely over grown. I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.
The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer. He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone. He did not want me to be surprised.
Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.
Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain
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