My Ghost of Christmas Past

December 26, 2012 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, normal?, why I write | 21 Comments
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Sweet Sawyer

Dear Sawyer,
This picture of you looks as if I could just pick you up.  My arms ache every time I look at it.  I cannot believe I will never hold you again.  I should have never let you go that night.  If I knew it was the last time I was ever going to hold you or kiss you I would never have put you down on December 25th three years ago.  If I were holding you would I have been able to save you?  Why did you have to go?  Will we ever know?   So many questions without any answers.

The rational part of me knows that even if I ever do find out why you died it will not make a difference.  You will still be dead.  And, I will still be alive.  The irrational part of me thinks that if I could just understand your cause of death I could protect you.  Change the fact that you are gone.  The logical me then takes over again and argues that if we knew the cause then we could test the twins.  We could prevent other children from dying.  The rational, irrational and logical me might be battling it out forever.  None of us will win.  We will have all lost.

Quote - winnie the pooh

I hope that I can always remember how it felt to hold you.  I want to permanently erase the images of you in the emergency room.  Unfortunately, they are burned into my mind.  Luckily, there are other pictures of perfect little you. . .


Missing you always and forever.  I will look for you in my dreams and hope that I can hold you again one day.  I love you to the moon and back.

Storms & Seasons Greetings

December 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, silver lining | 10 Comments
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The dark days of December are always accompanied by holiday parties and cheer.  The people of planet earth should be celebrating and happy because as it has already been established not everyone lives on planet my baby died. Last weekend I was visiting planet earth when Evan and I attended his work holiday party.  For the most part we fit right in.  Three different people asked “how many children do you have?”  My response to 2 of them was “we have twins at home.”

I was speaking to a woman who I knew had lost a daughter.  I did not know how or if I would bring it up but then she asked the question.  I told her about all 4 of our children.  I told her about Jake and Sawyer.  She told me about her daughter who had died in 1999.

She shared with me that the month of her daughter’s death is still hard for her.  I am truly sad that it is difficult but her honesty helped me.  The 3 years since Sawyer died seem so long ago in some respects but in others it really does not.  There is no plan to get over or through grief.  It is a journey.  I know exactly when the storms began but I am not sure if they will ever end.

Thankful 2012

November 22, 2012 at 7:28 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 8 Comments
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I am forever thankful for the people who supported and continue to support Evan and I through the darkest times in our lives.  I have not officially thanked you all but please know that you have our eternal gratitude.  Hope that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving!

Life Lessons

January 2, 2012 at 10:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, life lessons, silver lining | 9 Comments
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Here are a few of the things I have learned so far in life. I did not necessarily learn them in 2011 but now seems as good a time as any to share them.  Do you have any you would like to share? 

This list is not complete and will most likely be ongoing for the rest of my life.  They are in no particular order. . .

  1. When asked,  “How you are?”  Most of the time people just want to hear the response, “Fine” and go on with their day. 
  2. Hug more.  One of the twins loves to hug and be hugged all the time.  I will actually be hugging him and he will say, “Mama, I need a hug.”  I answer, “I am hugging you right now”.  He responds, “Hug more.”
  3. Look for rainbows.  
  4. Listen carefully.  The twins wanted gelt, the chocolate coins which are given out at Hanukkah.  However, they kept asking, “Is it time for Hanukkah guilt?”
  5. Music makes people happy. 
  6. Tutus also make people happy (see above).  And, apparently ties can be the reason for really big smiles.
  7. Sleep.  Grief (along with life in general) is exhausting
  8. Life can be heartbreaking, unfair and unexplainable.  No one ever promised any thing different.
  9. Treasure the moments – you are never sure just how many you will have.


I just miss you

December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is me.  Are you there?  I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays.   I was wrong.  The dark days are back.  It is part of the deal.  This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days.  They creep up.  I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard.  I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle.  I wish the rest of the world would do the same.

I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think.   It is not working this time.  So I try to act as if everything is okay.  Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine.  I cannot pretend.  Life without you and Jake is not okay.   

My arms physically ache to hold you.  Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me.  When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry.  Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?

We have given away or packed up most of your things.  We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles.  The gifts that were sent to you the week you died.  The clothes you wore that last few days of your life.  The condolence cards.  Your death certificate.  The cards of the police detectives.  They are all still here.   I wish that you were here too.

I do not want pity.  I want you.  I am just sad.  Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet.  I know that there is still light.  I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.

I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.


November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 Comments
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I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving.  In some ways I have come a long way.  In other ways not so much.  I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year.  It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1.  I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating.  I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died.  I avoided any and all holiday parties.  I could not pretend to go through the motions.   I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.

No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer.  This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past.  The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents.   We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died.  The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.  

We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born.  I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins.  In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November.  We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving.  Needless to say we stayed home that year.  

I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family.  No travel, no stress.  We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet.   Maybe we never will.  We will keep trying.  I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

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