Memories & Moments
November 10, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 8 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, life after loss, post traumatic stress disorder
I believe that when older people die there are many places, songs and other things which stir up mixed emotions and memories for those left behind. There are not a lot of places which remind me of Jake or Sawyer. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did leave but went home. Other than home, he went to the pediatrician twice and once we stopped by a good friend’s house on the way home.
I have been back to the hospital and the pediatrician (on many occasions). I have not been back to the hospital where Sawyer died. I have to confess that sometimes I drive way out of my way not to even drive by the place.
Today I went back to the place I was the last day I saw Sawyer alive. Sawyer had stayed home with Evan. I took the twins to the JCC for a Family Fun Day . It was Christmas day and it was a no fun day for me. The twins were running around like little crazy people. I had to go home to feed Sawyer and the twins would not leave. I had a major meltdown in the parking lot. It was not my finest hour. Have you had any parenting or other types of meltdowns?
As I drove into the parking lot today I noticed that familiar pit in my stomach. My mind traveled back to that day in 2009. Sawyer was alive and waiting for me to come home to feed him. As it turned out it took me so long that day to get the twins home that Evan had to feed Sawyer a bottle.
Today I debated driving right out of the parking lot and leaving. A mom of one of the twins’ preschool friends wrote a book . She spoke about it today at a book festival. I wanted to go hear her speak. I took a few deep breaths, parked my car and transported myself back to 2011.
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. —- Buddha
Whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it. —- Barack Obama, speech, Jun. 4, 2009
For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. —- John Kennedy
Trick or Treat & Too Tired
November 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, life after loss, parenthood
It was a game day decision for the twins. They decided over a month before Halloween that they were going to be a rocket and a unicorn. This decision was prompted by the fact that I could not get them to leave Target without these costumes. I was too tired that day to fight with them. I am often tired. I am sure that most, if not all parents are sleep deprived to some extent. I know exhaustion is linked to depression. In my alternate universe where Jake and Sawyer did not die would I be so tired?
I took the easy way out. I opted to avoid a double meltdown and bought the costumes.
As I expected they changed their minds quite a few times before the big day.
The Viking and the Dress Up with the Umbrella were ruled out because they belong to our good friends who live in Colorado.
The crazy hair was ruled out because I cannot recreate that or anything closely resembling that hair do.
The others each were vetoed for some other reason. And, we ended up back at the rocket and the unicorn. (Just in case you are wondering, that is pumpkin bowling in the last picture).
The extremely tired Cat in the Hat rallied for Halloween long enough to follow the rocket and the unicorn to a few houses for trick or treating. Then the rocket offered to go home and help pass out candy. Overall, it was a successful night. No major meltdowns and no one turned into a pumpkin.
Spam, Signed & Sealed
October 8, 2011 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
If I have ever emailed you since the late 90’s you may have recently received suspicious emails from my address. Let me apologize for any emails offering secrets of happiness or descriptions of sexual adventures. I promise if I knew the secrets to happiness I would let you all know immediately. Not sure what to write about the sexual adventures but please don’t open the link. However, it appears my email account (which I have had for almost 15 years) was hacked. I have changed my password. Hopefully, I will soon be spam free which coincides perfectly with my clean slate from the High Holidays.
The days between Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur are known at the Days of Awe. These days are for introspection and reflection on the sins from the past year. Names are written into the book of life. On Yom Kippur, the books is sealed. In the High Holidays since Jake and Sawyer have died, I have thought about the fact that they did not have any sins. So why were their names not inscribed in the book of life? I know there is no answer to this question but I had to write it anyway. I will not go down the path my mind usually takes. This is the path of guilt where I have thoughts about my sins being the reason that Jake and Sawyer were not written into the book of life. Must remember that my guilt is in the river.
WE REMEMBER THEM.
At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.
When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.
By Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Reimer
Burritos, Buddha & Baggage
September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Buddha, death, grandparents, gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, siblings, twins, unexplainable, yoga
I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death. It is hard to let go. A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process. The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?
One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.
The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.
As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”
Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake. It means moving forward. It will not always be a straight path. Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey. Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):
Namaste.
A Person is a Person
August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, parenthood
“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss
Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs. Not a big guy but a fighter. According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.
According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago. The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar. Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle. We said the mourner’s kaddish. After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it. Perhaps it is because I am usually crying. Perhaps it is a mental block. Whatever. We thought about Jake.
I will light another candle for Jake in a few days. I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries. I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.
Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.
Note: The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .
August & Awkward Appointments (part 2)
August 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, pregnancy, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer
As I wrote about previously in this post, doctor’s appointments can at times be awkward. I am not a big fan of the forms that you have to fill out about your medical history. I understand why they are necessary but I truly dislike listing the birth and death dates of Jake and Sawyer. The OB forms do not even have enough lines for me to write all of the complications before and after pregnancy that we have had. I am sure one day these forms will not bother me but today they do.
The twins had their 4-year-old check up today. A new nurse came to get us from the waiting room. As she brought us into the room she asked me, “Are you expecting company?” I looked at the twins and Evan and thought to myself, “how many more people can we fit in this tiny exam room?” And, who else would I be expecting? Then the nurse looked at my stomach and repeated the question. My quizzical look turned to horror. Really, is she really asking me if I am pregnant? Yes, she did.
That question is emotion-packed. The times when I answered yes to that question – thoughts of being pregnant with Jake, the twins and Sawyer. The realization that my stomach apparently still has a pregnancy pouch. Or, maybe I just made an unfortunate outfit choice.
The nurse was reading over our medical charts as my mind was still racing. I could see in her eyes that she had just read about Sawyer, Jake or maybe both. She looked at me and apologizes.
Overall the day was a success. One outfit for Good Will. Two healthy twins. Three weeks down in August. Four beautiful children.
August Attire?
August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, happy, hope, life after loss, parenthood, twins
It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October. Halloween to be specific. The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.
The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken. Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.
It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months. I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.
“One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb
Thanks to the twins
July 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, SIDS, twins | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, happy, life after loss, SIDS
Thanks to the twins I have to get up every morning. After Jake died, there were days I did not see the point in getting out of bed.
Four months after Jake’s death, Evan and I spoke to a neighbor who had 2 older boys and a 3 month old baby girl who died. As Evan and I spoke to the parents about the death of their daughter, the 2 little boys were running around us.
As we walked away from their house I thought about how I could cry all day and go on long walks. I thought how much harder it must be for them to have to get up every day and take care of 2 other children while grieving for another. And, if I am honest with myself I envied that they had other children at home as we walked back to our empty house.
The birth of the twins did not make me forget Jake but my life became much busier. My grief for Jake became a part of me and helped me to (hopefully) be a better mother to the twins.
The morning after Sawyer died our house was not empty. The twins were home waiting for us to take care of them. I cannot compare Sawyer’s death and Jake’s death at all. However, after Sawyer died I had to get myself together and take care of the twins. I cried as I changed their diapers, fed them and put them to bed but I did it.
The twins have no idea how grateful I am they were born and are alive. I tell them all the time how much I love them and how lucky I am to be their mom but I do not have the words to express how important they are to me. I hope they do not feel the weight of my world on their little legs.
Happy Birthday!!
Beaches & Bad Questions
July 24, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 3 CommentsTags: death, happy, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer
I have always found the beach to be very peaceful. However, it is not always super relaxing when you go with children.
I had to leave the last few days to go to work. I did not plan the week this way but had to change things around because of the previous week.
I am a consultant and often go to offices where I have never met anyone before I arrive. I taught a class where we were waiting for a few minutes for everyone to show up. While waiting the people already there were talking about their dogs. They asked me if I have any dogs. Easy question. I have 2 dogs. I even showed pictures of the dogs with the twins. All is well.
The last person to leave the class turns to me and says, “I do not mean to get personal but are you going to have more children?” I thought I had completely avoided the “how many children do you have” question with the easy dog conversation. No such luck.
After thinking for a few moments, I tell her that we already had more children. Jake was very premature. Sawyer was full term, went to sleep and did not wake up. I quickly change the subject.
Later the same day, I am working with someone who is receiving texts from his daughter. He asks if I have children. I answer that we have twins at home. I think this answer sounds pretty good. And, then there it is again. . .”Do you think you will have more children?”
Sometimes I think that I should consider going into some kind of work where talking is not required. . .
Happily Ever After & Hope (part 2)
July 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, hope, life after loss
It was so nice to write such a happy post last week. Life has ups and downs and I know that without the bad times it is hard to appreciate the good times. I recently read about the concept of “nexting” – always thinking about is going to happen next. So I am trying very hard to appreciate the good moments right now:
After Sawyer died someone said to me that Evan and I will never live happily ever after. It was not said with with cruel intentions. It was an honest statement that that after burying a child (or children) life is bittersweet.
We may not have lived happily ever after even if Jake and Sawyer had lived. And there is no alternate universe in which I can find out. Life, marriage and kids are hard at times even if you are not a bereaved parent. I am hoping that good times continue and when they do not maybe the bad times will not be quite as bad. In the meantime, I will go watch the twins dance the robot:
And, I am going to confess to “nexting” because the twins and I are going to the beach soon. They are so excited to go see their Aunt, Uncle and cousin!
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