Birthday Wishes
July 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, silver lining, twins, why I write | 9 CommentsTags: gratitude, happy, life after loss, twins
Happy Birthday!
As I wrote last year on your 4th birthday I am so very thankful for you two. I am sorry that I did not take you to see your brothers on your birthday. I just could not this weekend. I promise that I will very soon. Then I will take you out for ice cream (thank you Daphne for the brilliant suggestion).
I wish that you had a chance to know your brothers. I wish that I did not have to explain death to you at such an early age. I wish that some of your first sentences did not include “don’t cry mama.”
I wish I could find a picture of you from your 3rd birthday. I will confess to you now that we almost did not have a party for you that year. After Sawyer died the thought of planning a party was so daunting. We realized that you no matter how sad we were you 2 deserve happiness (and a birthday party). We did plan it and if I remember correctly we sent out the invitation the week before. You both had a great time. I just wish that 2010 was not such a blur of grief.
I wish that I could have protected you from my dark days. I wish that you will always know how much sunshine you both bring to me.
I wish that you will continue to look for rainbows where ever you both go and that I can go with you. And hug you both tightly. Love you both to the moon and back.
Molly Bears and Mixed Blessings
June 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining, Time, twins | 6 CommentsTags: Aching arms, bereaved parents, Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, Molly Bears, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
Mixed Blessings:
The twins have finished another year of preschool. This is what I want. I want them to be healthy. They should grow up, unlike their brothers who are frozen in time. So why do I have such mixed emotions as yet another year flies by? There is so much to look forward to as the twins get older. Is it the fact that there is nothing to look forward to for Jake and Sawyer? Or, is it because the twins might be leaving preschool behind and starting kindergarten?
Which brings me to reason #2 I am a mixed-up mom at the moment. The twins’ birthday is 8 days before school here starts. They will be among the youngest in their class. Many of the neighborhood children who I thought would be starting kindergarten with them are going to another year of preschool (or pre kindergarten). Evan and I have a few options for the twins. Whatever we decide will work for our family. In the meantime, I will keep repeating the words of my therapist or Buddha (or maybe both. . .) “everything is exactly the way it should be right now.”
Molly Christine died at 34 weeks, on May 30th 2010. A high school friend gave her parents a weighted teddy bear. Molly’s mom added rice to the bear so that it was the exact weight of Molly at her time of death/birth. While nothing will replace Molly it helped her mother to hold the teddy bear. Her mother began to make Molly Bears for other bereaved parents. They have received over a thousand orders and so far have created hundreds of bears. Molly Bears are now with families in all 50 states and 13 countries.
Evan and I ordered bears for Jake and Sawyer. We are looking forward to holding them in our arms.
Peace Bears, Picking Berries & Pink & Black Glasses
June 12, 2012 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, twins, why I write | 7 CommentsTags: Aching arms, child loss, death of a baby, Peace Bears, ways to honor the memory of your child, Wish for Wendy
Pink & Black Glasses:
Before
After
Picking Berries:
Peace Bear Project:
Peace Bear Project, Inc. is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization for families grieving a stillbirth or early infant death. This non-profit was created by the parents of Peace A. Young who was stillborn on July 20, 2005. In her memory, they deliver teddy bears to other families leaving hospitals with empty arms.
Thank you Cheryl for writing to me about Peace Bears. Also, thanks so much to Hillary for letting me know about Wish for Wendy and to others who have let me know about organizations I will write about soon.
Wish for Wendy, Wings & WTMI
June 4, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, cystic fibrosis, death of a baby, family, Jake, Sawyer, twins, Wish for Wendy
Way Too Much Information:
We were at the pool the other day and I put our things down on a chair beside a woman with her newborn baby.
Our daughter quickly turned to the woman and with a big smile said, “I really like your baby.”
“Thank you! How old are you?” responded the very new mother.
“4 and 3/4 . So is my brother – we are twins. We had 2 babies too but they are dead.” She shrugged her shoulders and ran off towards the pool.
Silence. How many times can an already broken heart be broken again? I shrugged my shoulders and ran after her.
Wings:
Andy Lipman never met his older sister Wendy. She died when she was 16 days old from complications from cystic fibrosis. Andy was born 3 years later, also with cystic fibrosis.
I have written about Cystic fibrosis (CF) in previous posts. Charlie, one of my brother’s closest friends, lived over 26 years longer than doctors had originally predicted. CF is an inherited, chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 individuals in the United States, and 70,000 people worldwide. In the 1950s, few children with cystic fibrosis lived to attend elementary school. Today, advances in research and medical care have enhanced and extended the lives of children and adults with CF. While Andy’s prognosis in 1973 projected that he would not live to become a teen, Andy is an active adult and sports enthusiast with two young children.
In August of 2006 Andy and his family founded the Wish for Wendy Foundation, Inc., a nonprofit organization dedicated to increasing awareness about living with cystic fibrosis and supporting efforts to find a cure.
As I previously mentioned, I have decided that I am going to add a feature to this blog which focuses on families who are making the world a better place by honoring the memory and lives of their children. If you know of or come across any organizations that would be worth mentioning please let me know.
Frog & Toad
May 20, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
“What is the matter, Toad? You are looking sad.”
“Yes,” said Toad. “This is my sad time of day.”
Frog and Toad are Friends by Arnold Lobel
After Sawyer died I cried a lot in front of the twins. They were 2 1/2 year olds at the time and did not ask too many questions about my tears. Now, over 2 years later, the twins ask questions about everything and I rarely cry in front of them. The sadness is still there but I have better control over it. Every once in a while it gets the best of me and the tears leak out against my will. Today was one of those days. I know it is not just today – it has been creeping up on me over the last few months.
I know that there will be other days when the tears take over. It is ok to be sad but it is also ok to be happy. If not for me than for them.
Once Upon a Playdate
May 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, silver lining, twins | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, home, hope, Jake, motherhood, parenthood, perspective, playdate, Sawyer, twins
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
I was not able to prevent Jake or Sawyer’s deaths. As their mother, I thought I could/should be able to protect them from anything and everything. I was wrong. I try my best to keep the twins as safe as possible. I know that just like with Jake and Sawyer I will not be able to shelter them from anything and everything. It is a work in progress . . .
There once was a little boy who would talk on and on about his friend, G. He thought about having a playdate with her but was not quite sure he was ready for his mom to make the call to set it up. Then one day G’s mom and the little boy’s mom made a plan to play after school.
After he found out about the plan, the little boy would wake up every morning and anxiously ask, “Is today the day that G is coming over to play?”
Finally the big day arrived. At school, there was a field trip to a park. The little boy’s mom was one of the drivers. On the playground, the little boy ran up to his mom and sadly declared, “G changed her mind and she is not coming over to play today.” The little boy’s twin sister came running up right behind him and just for emphasis yelled “G is NOT coming over ever.”
The little boy’s mother tried to say comforting things like, “maybe G will change her mind” and “if G does not come over today we will find another day for a playdate.” The little boy folded his arms over his chest and sadly said, “Mama, this is the worstest day ever.”
The field trip ended and all the children went back to school. The little boy asked G again if she would come over for the playdate. She responded that should would never ever come over.
The little boy’s mom tried unsuccessfully to think of an extra special treat for the afternoon. Pick up time arrived and G hopped into her car. The little boy unhappily watched her as she climbed into her minivan. The little boy’s mom as a last-ditch effort went over to G’s car before it drove out of the carpool line. G smiled at the little boy’s mom. G climbed out of her car seat and said, “I think I would like to go on that playdate now.”
And they played happily ever after.
Help
May 2, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 23 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Jake, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer, siblings
Aibileen, from The Help, whispers this quote in Mae Mobley’s ear every day so she will understand that she is special. Are there words which I can whisper into my toddlers’ ears that will help them understand about their brothers?
The other day I was driving the twins and listening to their conversation. They were discussing one of their friend’s new baby sister. The conversation went something like this:
“We have babies too.”
“Our babies are not growing.”
“They are flowers.”
“Flowers grow. So, our babies are growing.”
“Mama, what kind of flowers are Jake and Sawyer?”
A long silence from me. I finally come up with, “want to go to the new playground?”
Random H’s
April 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm | Posted in life after loss, parents, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, dogs, grandparents, hair, hope, humor, March of Dimes, new not so normal, random, songs
Hugs:
Hugs
How To. . .:
Hairdos:
Happy Hairdo
Hairdos - A & Uwannabun
Hounds:
Hounds
Hope:
March of Dimes 2011
The Story of the Stones
March 28, 2012 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, traditions, twins | 9 CommentsTags: Jewish customs, new not so normal, twins, unexplainable
You may have noticed in my last post that Jake and Sawyer’s headstone is covered with stones. At the unveiling, Jake and Sawyer’s sister carefully arranged all of the stones. In fact, the twins each painted rocks for the occasion. She would only paint the smooth stones. He would only paint the rough ones.
The tradition of leaving rocks on the headstone signifies that someone has visited which honors the deceased person’s memory. The last scene of Schindler’s List depicts children of Survivors placing stones on Oscar Schindler’s grave.
There are many theories on the origins of this custom. A few are the following:
- The stones are a kind of calling card left for the deceased. Stones, unlike flowers, are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.
- Jacob’s sons took a stone and put it on Rachel’s (their mother’s)grave to make up Rachel’s tomb. In placing stones on the grave one participates in building the tombstone.
- A large stone slab was placed on the grave so that it would not be lost. Rabbi Tam, goes on to explain that there were smaller stones that were set under the sides of the large stone that rests on them so that it will not bear down too heavily on the deceased.
- The ritual of placing a stone is a way of expressing our emotions and spiritual needs. Rabbi Andrew Straus explains that “we need physical acts to express these things for us, to make them concrete.”
“Placing a stone on a grave does just that. It works in several ways:
1) It is a sign to others who come to the grave when I am not there that they and I are not the only ones who remember. The stones I see on the grave when I come are a reminder to me that others have come to visit the grave. My loved one is remembered by many others and his/her life continues to have an impact on others, even if I do not see them.
2) When I pick up the stone it sends a message to me. I can still feel my loved one. I can still touch and be touched by him/her. I can still feel the impact that has been made on my life. Their life, love, teachings, values, and morals still make an impression on me. When I put the stone down, it is a reminder to me that I can no longer take this person with me physically. I can only take him/her with me in my heart and my mind and the actions I do because he/she taught me to do them. Their values, morals, ideals live on and continue to impress me – just as the stone has made an impression on my hands – so too their life has made an impression on me that continues.” Rabbi Tom Louchheim
I am sure there are more theories but no matter the origins I like the tradition. Evan and I collect stones from places we go. We have our own tradition of kissing the rocks before we place them on the headstone. We are sending kisses to Jake and Sawyer. I hope that they are getting them.
Running with the Rosebuds
March 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm | Posted in after death?, life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Charlie, child loss, cystic fibrosis, hope, life after loss, perspective
Last weekend the twins ran in a race to support Cystic Fibrosis. One of my brother’s best friends, Charlie, had CF. Cystic fibrosis is an inherited, chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 individuals in the United States, and 70,000 people worldwide. In the 1950s, few children with cystic fibrosis lived to attend elementary school. Today, advances in research and medical care have enhanced and extended the lives of children and adults with CF. Many people with the disease can expect now to live into their 30s, 40s and beyond.
Charlie’s parents were told that he would not live to be a teenager. He beat the odds and he did live past his teens, twenties and into his thirties. Charlie was an amazing person who inspired all who were lucky enough to know him. I hope that Jake and Sawyer have somehow been able to meet Charlie.
Both Evan and his sister have been diagnosed with lung diseases which CF research could potentially one day help.
Click here to see the twins race warm up.
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 