Memorials, Mickey & Moments

January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 Comments
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This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died.  Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died).  My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer. 

It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .

Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.

During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation.  I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip. 

However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve.  I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not.  It is complicated.  I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake. 

It is bittersweet. 

Here is some of the sweetness:

 

And here is some more:

And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.

By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
                                                                                          Rabbi Hannah Orden

 

Angels

December 28, 2011 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 Comments
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No words today – just pictures from the past year.

Muddy Snow Angel

Snow Angel in Action

Rug Angel

Bath Angels

Grass Angel

Another Grass Angel

Rock Garden Angel

Rock Garden Angel #2

Leaf Angel

Airport Floor Angel (yuck!)

Stuffed Animal Angel

Stuffed Animal Angel #2

Missing Angel

Okay – the last picture is not from 2011.  We wish we had pictures from this past year of Jake and Sawyer.

So this is Christmas

December 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 13 Comments
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This is such a festive time of year.  You can feel the happiness in the air.  I want to wish everyone happy holidays but I may never send another holiday card again.  I try in my own way.  I do not always succeed.

I cannot figure out why anniversaries and holidays are harder.  Every day Jake and Sawyer are gone.  We are Jewish so Christmas should not be difficult except for the fact that it is also the anniversary of Sawyer’s death.  No one is sure what time Sawyer really died.  His death certificate says 4:30 am on December 26th.  I believe he was gone before then but it does not really matter what time or place he died.  It just matters that he did die.  At times I fixate on the details and information I can understand to balance what I will never comprehend.

The last time I held him was at 10:45 pm on Christmas night.  He was on the floor of our bedroom at 2:46 am on December 26th.  The paramedics, the firemen and the police were there.  No one would let me get close to Sawyer.  In the ambulance I could not sit in the back with him.  I sat up front feeling helpless and alone.  Two years later I still feel helpless and alone.

I have hope and even joy but there is always something (someone) missing.

No matter what I do December 26th will come.  I cannot make time stand still.  I do not want to be any farther away from Sawyer than I already am but it will happen.

I wish I could go somewhere far away from our bedroom floor.  I cannot run or hide.  No matter where I go my grief goes too.  I will keep very busy.  I will be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be.  Again, I will not always succeed.  I will have hope.  I will wait until I can hold Sawyer again.

For some moments in life there are no words.
~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Dancing Dreidels

December 16, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 14 Comments
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Today the twins performed in their preschool holiday show.  The first class to come out featured one of our singing candles:

Our other singing candle came out later with her class:

The younger 2-year-old class performed as dancing dreidels.  The class seemed like it was missing someone.  I could almost see the place where Sawyer should have been standing.  I looked around the room to see if anyone else noticed.  The moms who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Sawyer were busy taking pictures of their adorable children. 

I squeezed Evan’s hand and whispered, “this should be Sawyer’s class. . . ”  Evan said, “I know.”  Sawyer should be up on the stage too.  I did not think anyone else noticed his absence. 

I was wrong.

As we were leaving, the twins were piling all their papers and endless other accessories into my arms.  I was trying to hold everything along with the balloons they each had been given.  I accidentally let one go.  I braced myself for the cries to retrieve the balloon.  Instead they said, “Sawyer likes blue, that balloon is for him.  Let the other balloon go too!  The other balloon is for Jake.”

And so I let it go.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

December 14, 2011 at 11:22 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 Comments
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The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.  – Dolly Parton

A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child.  Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:

“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”

After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again.  I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”.  There was no pass for us.  When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility.  We started with cycles of injectables.  We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term).  Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.

In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.

Who knew another storm would come so soon?  I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere.  Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness.  The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .

After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry

I just miss you

December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is me.  Are you there?  I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays.   I was wrong.  The dark days are back.  It is part of the deal.  This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days.  They creep up.  I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard.  I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle.  I wish the rest of the world would do the same.

I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think.   It is not working this time.  So I try to act as if everything is okay.  Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine.  I cannot pretend.  Life without you and Jake is not okay.   

My arms physically ache to hold you.  Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me.  When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry.  Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?

We have given away or packed up most of your things.  We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles.  The gifts that were sent to you the week you died.  The clothes you wore that last few days of your life.  The condolence cards.  Your death certificate.  The cards of the police detectives.  They are all still here.   I wish that you were here too.

I do not want pity.  I want you.  I am just sad.  Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet.  I know that there is still light.  I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.

I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.

Perspective

December 4, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, parents | 7 Comments
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We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.
– Talmud

As a child my parents explained that I was named in memory of my Great Aunt Edith while my brother was named in memory of my mother’s first cousin, Mitchell.  In my mind I rationalized that my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister) was older and her death was more understandable.  Mitchell, on the other hand, died young.  I could not make sense of this as a child.  It was so terribly sad that Mitchell did not live past his teenage years.  I thought about Mitchell’s living brother and how it must feel to be the sibling left behind.

After Jake died my perspective changed.  I knew Mitchell’s death was of course sad for his brother, but I had never thought about how it impacted Mitchell’s parents, my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.  They took care of Mitchell.  They had to watch him die from Leukemia.  The helplessness they must have felt.  The lost hopes and dreams.  They were members of the bereaved parent’s club long before I was ever born.

I was very close to my Aunt Sophie (my grandfather’s younger sister).   She and my Uncle George did not have grandchildren.  Mitchell had died young and his brother was not yet married.  I realized this at the age of 8 and decided that did not seem fair.  My grandparents had 5 grandchildren.  In my child’s mind I felt like there was something missing for my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.

My 8-year-old solution was to volunteer to be an “adopted grandchild” to my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.  First, I called my grandparents and asked them if it would be okay.  They said yes.  Next, I called my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George and they agreed as well.  Finally, I drafted the “adoption papers.”  It all seemed so simple at the time.  Now as a bereaved parent myself I realize that there is nothing simple about the death of your child.

We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.
– Helen Keller

Irked & Irritated

November 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Love, venting | 6 Comments
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I wrote about this last month. After doing some research it seems that there are only 2 big companies who make grave markers. I am not sure why this matters because at this point I cannot imagine grave marker shopping but I like to have the information. Information gives me a sense that I have some sort of control. And I clearly do not.

Tomorrow it will be December.  We made the decision to order Sawyer’s headstone in August.  We started the process.  Evan has been sending the emails about the proof.  He copies me.  The proof has Sawyer’s name, date of birth, date of death and 4 short lines of text.  It is frightening that the grave marker editors cannot get this right.

My heart always starts to race when I see the email with the Subject: FW: D 7010691 PONTZ, SAWYER .  In some crazy recess of my brain I think that the email is going to explain to me why he died or better yet that he did not die at all.  The majority of my brain knows that this is just another email about the wording on Sawyer’s headstone.

I know in many ways I am obsessing about the emails from the pathologist and the headstone.  I am just grasping onto the little bits of Sawyer which can still be part of my day-to-day life.

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