Memorials, Mickey & Moments
January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, family, gratitude, happy, Jake, Sawyer
This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died. Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died). My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer.
It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .
Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.
During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation. I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip.
However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve. I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not. It is complicated. I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake.
It is bittersweet.
Here is some of the sweetness:
And here is some more:
And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.
By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
Rabbi Hannah Orden
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A Mourning Mom 
Every night, when I say my prayers, I take a moment to remember Jake and Sawyer. Every night. They are not forgotten.
Comment by Kelcey— January 8, 2012 #
Thank you so much. xoxo
Comment by amourningmom— January 8, 2012 #
I found my talking about my husband has made some people uncomfortable. You know what I say? “too bad”. He lives in me. In my heart and in my memories and because of that he never will ever truly die.
Keep talking about Jake and Sawyer because they also live on in you – forever.
Blessings,
Linda
Comment by The Good Cook— January 8, 2012 #
I found your blog through rockstarronan.com. I can’t imagine the pain of losing one child, let alone two…I think you’re so brave to just be able to get out of bed. Your twins look like such happy kids and it’s awesome that through your grief, you were able to make some beautiful and happy memories together.
Comment by Ali Barnes— January 9, 2012 #
Glad you got to hang out with some of my favorite characters. Thinking of you!
Comment by Susan— January 9, 2012 #
We think about Jake and Sawyer and they are always in our thoughts and prayers…and so are you. xoxo
Comment by Lisa— January 9, 2012 #
I love to talk with you about Jake and Sawyer. I have my own memories of both and think of them often. It makes me happy because I am thinking of beautiful children who brought so much joy in a short period of time.
Comment by Patty— January 9, 2012 #
I think that’s just life…the good and the bad, the joy and the grief, all mashed up together in a not-very-neat package. Hope the trip had many joyful moments like the ones in the pictures.
Comment by Daphne— January 9, 2012 #
It is the greatest joy to hold those we love. Some we hold in our hands and in our hearts and others we carry in our hearts, wherever we go, always.
Nanny
Comment by Nanny (Lanie's mom)— January 9, 2012 #
We will not forget……
Comment by SusanFB— January 9, 2012 #
I talk and talk and talk about Hadley and often I feel like it is to no one but I still do it because I can’t imagine not. I will always remember with you and I know it was bittersweet but I am glad you were at Disney, you gave Sawyer such a great place to smile down on you.
Comment by Jessica (@fourplusanangel)— January 9, 2012 #
I am glad you enjoyed the moments of joy with the twins, Evan and your parents. You inspire me to enjoy the minutes we have with our family and friends. Sending hugs!
Comment by Kristen— January 10, 2012 #