Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln I am so very sorry for your loss
February 12, 2016 at 4:49 pm | Posted in Grief | 8 Comments
Throughout history children have predeceased their parents. Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln had 4 sons. Only 1 lived to adulthood. No wonder Lincoln was always characterized as being depressed. After the death of their 3rd son, Willie, Mary Todd Lincoln wrote, “when I can bring myself to realize that he has indeed passed away, my question to myself is, ‘can life be endured?’.”
I have realized (no matter how much i hate it) that Jake and Sawyer have passed away. I try my best (sometimes better than others) to “endure” life. I am not always so great at getting check ups for myself. As part of the home study for the adoption i did have a physical. However, I have only been to the gynecologist a few times since Sawyer’s birth and death. I am not sure if it is going back to the doctor’s office where during my pregnancy with Sawyer everything was perfect or sitting in a waiting room filled with happy pregnant people (knowing that I am living every parents worst nightmare). I thought about switching (I did after Jake died) but I have remained at the same practice.
Last week I called to schedule a regular check up appointment. I thought there would not be one available for a few weeks maybe even months. The scheduler asked my name and information and quickly said “you have not been here in a while, we are going to fit you in on Monday.”
I thought about cancelling rescheduling the appointment but decided that I should go on Monday and get it over with. I arrived at the doctor’s office and considered myself very lucky because there were no pregnant people in the waiting room. The school nurse called while i was changing for the exam to tell me that one of the twins was sick and needed to be picked up. I asked her if he could wait a little while. I told the doctor about my sick child. He said this will not take long. I did not cry once during the quick exam. I left and drove to the school to pick up my sick child.
Hope is a 4 letter word
January 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love | 12 CommentsTags: adoption, failed adoption, life after loss, perspective, thoughts
In 2015 we had a failed adoption.
Evan and I thought about adoption since we started talking about trying to have more children after Jake died. We started infertility at that time too. We were so lucky, fortunate and blessed to have had the twins and Sawyer with the help of lots of medical professionals.
In 2013 we revisited and moved forward with the adoption process. There were a lot of rejections along the way but in August 2014 we were picked by a birth mother. She was young, homeless and stated that the birth father’s whereabouts were unknown. Evan and I met with her once for lunch. On a separate occasion I was able to go to a doctor’s appointment with her.
On New Year’s Eve day we got a call that she was in labor. Evan came home from work. We told the twins and started to pack the car. I took our dogs to be boarded with the vet. By the time I got home we had gotten another call telling us not to leave quite yet. The birth mother started to have second thoughts and a potential father had entered the picture.
The baby was born on 12/31/2014. Evan and I spent the next few days on a horrible roller coaster waiting for the birth mother’s decision. A few days into 2015 we were told that she had decided to parent the baby.
Over the last year I have gone from sadness to anger (with lots of emotions I cannot identify in between). I have rationalized that we helped this baby and his mother but he is not ours. He is being raised by his mother, who, with help from us, is no longer homeless. Hoping 2016 brings good things for everyone.
holidays and hope
December 30, 2015 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, hope, Jewish customs, life after loss, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
The anniversary of Sawyer’s death (the Jewish yahrzeit and the English date) were both this past week. I know that these anniversaries can be tough for me so I try to keep extra busy. I have been volunteering for an organization called Second Helpings. Restaurants, grocery stores, corporate dining halls, farmers markets and schools with a surplus of food are connected with shelters and food pantries. I signed up as a substitute driver for a few shifts over the holidays. The twins are on vacation from school so they helped too.
It is just basically driving and loading/unloading the food. The twins sat in the car listening to their books on CD while I navigated from the store to the shelter. All was going fine until I realized that the drop off location was around the corner from the Atlanta Medical Examiners Office. After the emergency room this is the building where Sawyer’s body was taken. Evan and I went there to meet with one of the pathologists a few weeks after the autopsy. All my attempts to distract myself failed as soon as I saw that building.
I miss Sawyer on the anniversary of his death, on holidays and every day. I know that this season can be hard for a lot of people. I wish I could make things easier for everyone but since I can not I send you all hope and hugs.
unplugged
December 18, 2015 at 5:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: life after loss, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
So, I have been trying to unplug Evan. He spent part of the other week in the hospital due to pneumonia and breathing complications. His doctor admitted him from the office but Evan waited 8 hours for a room at the hospital. Hour 7 when a guy started smoking an e-cigarette in the waiting room I started to think I would just take Evan home. Finally, they called Evan’s name and an orderly wheeled him towards his room. When we started going through the maternity ward Evan asked the guy if there was any other way to get to his room. The guy responded “no” and I was not sure if I was going to start crying or laughing.
Evan spent a few days in the hospital and I did not take any babies while passing through the maternity ward to visit him. Evan is better and back to work. Evan and the twins have gotten sick before – I know that sickness (and hopefully getting better) is part of life. I am just not as good at handling it – maybe if Jake and Sawyer had not died I would be better with these situations. I will never know.
Six
November 17, 2015 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Sawyer
Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!
I have no words today for how much you are loved and missed. So i am borrowing the ones from your headstone:
There are stars so far away we only see their light long after they are gone. Their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done.
I will look for you in my dreams. Love you always and forever.
Hearts
November 10, 2015 at 7:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 7 CommentsTags: cardiologist, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable
Today the twins had their check up with the pediatric cardiologist. They were both rock stars during the tests. Their hearts are structurally normal. Everything is fine. We will continue regular activity and come back for our next check up.
These are the results that I want to hear but I would be lying if I said that was all I want to hear. I know that it is not realistic, but I want someone to explain to me the cause of Sawyer’s death. I want there to be a medical answer – something I can protect the twins from ever getting. I want to understand but I know it is very possible that will never happen.
In the meantime, the doctors want to continue to monitor the twins hearts while they are still growing. Medical discoveries are being made every day. Maybe one day the channelopathy (or whatever caused Sawyer’s death) will be found.
All I know for sure is that I will continue to love the twins and protect them the best that we can. And their brothers will continue to live on in all of our hearts forever.
Walking to Remember – Together
September 30, 2015 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, death, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child, what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
One of the difficult and important lessons that I learned after Jake’s death is that I cannot do this alone. After Jake died, Evan and I were told about support groups. At the time, I could barely come to terms with the fact that Jake was dead and I was not. The thought of going to a group where everyone told their own tragic story of their child’s death seemed unimaginable to me.
Then one excruciatingly dark day in January of 2006, I realized that I needed to know how other parents got up every morning and live in a world without their child/children. Evan and I decided that it was time to go to a support group.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost babies together.
This year the walk will be held on October 4th. For more information and/or to register for the walk click here:
what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
August 31, 2015 at 9:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, why I write | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, child loss, death of a baby, deathiversary, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, premature birth, what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
Dear Jake,
Another August has come and gone – the 10th August since you left this world. I honestly was not sure that I would make it – 10 years seems like an eternity at times but I still find it so hard to believe that it has been that long since your dad and I last held you.
The first thing that I learned is that I will make it through the days, months and years without you. I do not like it and it is excruciatingly hard. But, your dad and I were not given a choice. We are still alive.
I started writing this blog when you were gone for 5 years. Five years also seemed impossible. You would have started kindergarten and your brother Sawyer had died so unexpectedly 8 months earlier. A therapist and a few friends suggested I try writing. I thought why not – maybe I can help myself and possibly help others.
I think I had visions that one day I would change the name of the blog to something other than a mourning mom. It turns out 5 years later I am still a mourning mom. I have not found a cure for hydrops or premature birth. In fact, we still do not even know what caused Sawyer’s death. I have not started a non-profit or a race. And, I still have days when I cannot stop crying because I miss you and your brother so much.
I wanted to write what I have learned in these 10 years living in this world without you. I thought I could write one post to sum it all up but it is not quite that easy. So, this my sweet Jake will just be part 1. I will write to hopefully help others through their own journey. And, even if I cannot help others I know that in another 5 years I will look back on these posts to help myself figure out how to survive the 10 year deathiversary of your baby brother.
August 26, 2015 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Jake | 3 Comments
Tags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, deathiversary, Jake
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – author unknown (borrowed from the walk to remember program)
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