Things could always be worse. . .

February 18, 2012 at 9:16 am | Posted in emergency room, Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning, venting | 6 Comments
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The other night I was talking to one of my favorite friends and she asked how everyone at my house was feeling.  I thought about it and cautiously answered, “Everyone is doing pretty well.”  And, I truly thought all was well, until 5 am the next morning.  I woke up to Evan asking me to go get some ice packs.  He had a bloody nose that would not stop.  I won’t go into the gory details but he was a mess.

This had happened once before a few weeks after Sawyer died.   Evan had come home from work and after a few hours he could still not stop the bloody nose.  He shocked me by asking me to call 911.  He was taken to the ER in an ambulance.   The bloody nose eventually stopped.

After Jake died I had this realization that anyone and everyone close to me could slip away at an instant.  Life had a new kind of uncertainty.  I even flipped out when our dog, Buddy, had to be sedated for a dental cleaning.  My very same favorite friend talked me down off the ledge as we waited at the vet.

Life seems so fragile. Maybe it was fragile before Jake and Sawyer died but I was oblivious.  After Evan’s first visit to the ER it was not hard for me to imagine the worst happening.  Only a few weeks before we had buried Sawyer.  Nothing is guaranteed.

After yesterday’s visit to the ER I found myself trying not to let my mind go to the worst places.  As I drove Evan from doctor to doctor I took deep breaths.  I reminded myself of what my grandfather always says when asked how he is feeling, “I could be better but things could always be worse.”

The doctors told us that based on Evan’s blood pressure we were very lucky that it was a bloody nose because there were far worse alternatives.  My mind had already played and replayed the worst of the alternatives.  Now I will do my best to focus on the present.  Unfortunately, Evan and I both know all too well that things could always be worse.  He will get better.

Evan holding Sawyer

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6 Comments »

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  1. Sorry to hear about the bloody nose–hopefully Evan is feeling better! Clearly, however, you’ve put it in perspective.

  2. My strongest wishes for Evan’s getting better and staying that way! May the solution to ending his having bloody noses be straightforward and permanent.
    Much love to all four of you.
    Cornelia

  3. I know these feelings so well. I am so sorry you feel them but so glad that you shared because it makes me feel more “normal” if that’s even the right word. I have terrible paranoia when it comes to everyone close to me ever since we lost Hadley. My mind goes to the worst places every time. I think, actually I know, that is why I’m having a terrible time with my daughter’s health problems right now, because I always fear the worst. Thanks for sharing this, so glad Evan is doing okay.

  4. So hlad evan is okay. Love you. K

  5. Thanks for the shout out, but sorry that night went from okay to so not okay — but is he ok now? Will they be able to do anything to prevent this from happening again? I hope so. Thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way, Daphne

  6. […] babies while passing through the maternity ward to visit him.  Evan is better and back to work.  Evan and the twins have gotten sick before – I know that sickness (and getting better) is part of […]


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