Perspective
December 4, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, parents | 7 CommentsTags: cancer, child loss, family, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.
– Talmud
As a child my parents explained that I was named in memory of my Great Aunt Edith while my brother was named in memory of my mother’s first cousin, Mitchell. In my mind I rationalized that my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister) was older and her death was more understandable. Mitchell, on the other hand, died young. I could not make sense of this as a child. It was so terribly sad that Mitchell did not live past his teenage years. I thought about Mitchell’s living brother and how it must feel to be the sibling left behind.
After Jake died my perspective changed. I knew Mitchell’s death was of course sad for his brother, but I had never thought about how it impacted Mitchell’s parents, my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George. They took care of Mitchell. They had to watch him die from Leukemia. The helplessness they must have felt. The lost hopes and dreams. They were members of the bereaved parent’s club long before I was ever born.
I was very close to my Aunt Sophie (my grandfather’s younger sister). She and my Uncle George did not have grandchildren. Mitchell had died young and his brother was not yet married. I realized this at the age of 8 and decided that did not seem fair. My grandparents had 5 grandchildren. In my child’s mind I felt like there was something missing for my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.
My 8-year-old solution was to volunteer to be an “adopted grandchild” to my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George. First, I called my grandparents and asked them if it would be okay. They said yes. Next, I called my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George and they agreed as well. Finally, I drafted the “adoption papers.” It all seemed so simple at the time. Now as a bereaved parent myself I realize that there is nothing simple about the death of your child.
We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.
– Helen Keller
Irked & Irritated
November 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Love, venting | 6 CommentsTags: BS, child loss, life after loss, Sad
I wrote about this last month. After doing some research it seems that there are only 2 big companies who make grave markers. I am not sure why this matters because at this point I cannot imagine grave marker shopping but I like to have the information. Information gives me a sense that I have some sort of control. And I clearly do not.
Tomorrow it will be December. We made the decision to order Sawyer’s headstone in August. We started the process. Evan has been sending the emails about the proof. He copies me. The proof has Sawyer’s name, date of birth, date of death and 4 short lines of text. It is frightening that the grave marker editors cannot get this right.
My heart always starts to race when I see the email with the Subject: FW: D 7010691 PONTZ, SAWYER . In some crazy recess of my brain I think that the email is going to explain to me why he died or better yet that he did not die at all. The majority of my brain knows that this is just another email about the wording on Sawyer’s headstone.
I know in many ways I am obsessing about the emails from the pathologist and the headstone. I am just grasping onto the little bits of Sawyer which can still be part of my day-to-day life.
The Club
November 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
There is a club that Evan and I have joined. Not many people talk about it although many have written about it. There are no dues for this club – at least not monetary ones. I have no idea how large the club is in numbers. There are no rules. No board members. Unlike most clubs no one actually wants to join this one.
It is a club whose only members are parents who have outlived their children.
Evan and I first joined in 2005 when Jake died. There are acronyms like “BLM” (baby loss mother) and “BLF” (baby loss father) that I now find to be very common terms. Membership in this club has taught me that there are no rules to living when your child has died. You have to do whatever it takes to get you through the day and to survive. The tools that I used to rely on to live no longer always help me.
I realize now that this club is made up of parents from every religion, class and country. There is a good chance that some of your neighbors belong to this club. I thought we already had a lifetime membership but our places in the club were once again secured when Sawyer died.
“Do not judge bereaved parents.
They come in many forms.
They are breathing, but they are dying.
They may look young, but inside they have become ancient.
They smile, but their hearts sob.
They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work,
they are, but they ARE NOT, all at once.
They are here, but part of them is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown
Thankful
November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, holidays, hope, infertility, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins
I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving. In some ways I have come a long way. In other ways not so much. I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year. It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1. I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating. I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died. I avoided any and all holiday parties. I could not pretend to go through the motions. I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.
No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer. This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past. The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents. We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died. The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.
We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born. I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins. In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November. We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving. Needless to say we stayed home that year.
I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family. No travel, no stress. We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet. Maybe we never will. We will keep trying. I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Yesterday
November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there. Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday. It was also World Prematurity Day. Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.
November is also Prematurity Awareness Month. Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)? 3 of our 4 children were born premature. So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU. If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.
Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The Golden Sky.” She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke. His birthday would have been today. In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest. She graciously asked me to participate. I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.
Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story. Hopefully, one day I too will find that “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).
Sweet Sawyer
November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, SUIDS, unexplainable
Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.
We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.
I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.
I have so many things that I want to ask you:
Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?
There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!
How are you? (part 2)
November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, yoga
This question has got to be one of the most common greetings. I wrote my first post about it. People really just want you to say all is well and move on. I used to be able to do that. I would even ask the question myself. After Jake died, I could not any longer. It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?” I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question. I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all. I say things like, “I am hanging in here.” Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”
I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time. Jake and Sawyer did die. I am always sad about their deaths. I do try to still live. However, I never truly feel fine. Until this weekend. In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?” And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?” And then he defined fine for me:
F*!*!D UP INSECURE NEUROTIC EMOTIONAL
I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”
Namaste.
Memories & Moments
November 10, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 8 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, life after loss, post traumatic stress disorder
I believe that when older people die there are many places, songs and other things which stir up mixed emotions and memories for those left behind. There are not a lot of places which remind me of Jake or Sawyer. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did leave but went home. Other than home, he went to the pediatrician twice and once we stopped by a good friend’s house on the way home.
I have been back to the hospital and the pediatrician (on many occasions). I have not been back to the hospital where Sawyer died. I have to confess that sometimes I drive way out of my way not to even drive by the place.
Today I went back to the place I was the last day I saw Sawyer alive. Sawyer had stayed home with Evan. I took the twins to the JCC for a Family Fun Day . It was Christmas day and it was a no fun day for me. The twins were running around like little crazy people. I had to go home to feed Sawyer and the twins would not leave. I had a major meltdown in the parking lot. It was not my finest hour. Have you had any parenting or other types of meltdowns?
As I drove into the parking lot today I noticed that familiar pit in my stomach. My mind traveled back to that day in 2009. Sawyer was alive and waiting for me to come home to feed him. As it turned out it took me so long that day to get the twins home that Evan had to feed Sawyer a bottle.
Today I debated driving right out of the parking lot and leaving. A mom of one of the twins’ preschool friends wrote a book . She spoke about it today at a book festival. I wanted to go hear her speak. I took a few deep breaths, parked my car and transported myself back to 2011.
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. —- Buddha
Whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it. —- Barack Obama, speech, Jun. 4, 2009
For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. —- John Kennedy
Telling the Truth
November 8, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, miscarriage, twins, unexplainable
Someone very close to our family (especially the twins) recently had a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks. The twins knew that there was a baby in her tummy. As in the past, I tried to honestly explain to the twins what happened. It does not always work. I simply told them that the baby is no longer in her tummy. I braced myself for 1,000 questions. There was only 1.
“Where is the baby?”
Excellent question. Where is the baby?
Trying to keep it simple and find the words that their 4-year-old minds can relate to, I responded, “The baby is playing with Sawyer and Jake.”
No follow-up questions. End of discussion. For the moment.
Every time the twins have seen our family friend since that day they ask about the baby.
“Are we sure that the baby is not still in her tummy?”
“Where is the baby?”
Sometimes out of the blue I will be reading bedtime stories and one of the twins will point to my stomach and ask if Sawyer is still in there. I explain the best I can and keep on reading. It is painful for me and our family friend to explain why our babies are no longer with us. The twins, on the other hand, are not phased by these questions.
They are just observing. (Just like the time in a public restroom when they were loudly counting the number of black people and white people in the room. No negatives. Just counting).
They are double checking the facts of the world as they know it.
It is difficult to explain the unexplainable.
“Death cancels all but the truth.” Proverb
Dear Sawyer
November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, tragedy, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old. We should be planning your birthday party. The invitations should have been sent. I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone. It is mostly your dad. I am not so good with the headstones. It should be finalized soon. I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day. I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground. I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon. I am going to try to prepare myself. I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone. It is just so permanent.
Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling. I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party. People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling. I know. When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying). We will figure it out. Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward. We have to breathe. We have to live in a world without you and your brother.
I miss you so much sweet Sawyer. Where are you? Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you. I like to think that you are playing with Jake. Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you. I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.
Love always,
Mommy
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