Purple & Sparkly
May 12, 2012 at 10:14 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: 5th birthday, cancer, child loss, death, favorite friends, hope, Jake, Maddie Sphor, Rockstar Ronan, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
Some time after Jake died one of my favorite friends and college roommate suggested that I read the blog The Sphors Are Multiplying. Years later and some time after Sawyer died another of my favorite friends suggested that I read another blog, Rockstar Ronan. At that time I could barely deal with our own sad story let alone read about the deaths of Maddie Sphor and Rockstar Ronan. I am not sure when but some time along the way I realized that I needed to see/read how other parents survive the deaths of their children. It helps me to read how they are continuing their lives while always remembering and honoring their children. I wish no parent had to live in a world without their child/children. This is not the reality and unfortunately the Club continues to add members.
Today would have been Ronan’s 5th birthday. I hate that he is not here to celebrate.
Once Upon a Playdate
May 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, silver lining, twins | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, home, hope, Jake, motherhood, parenthood, perspective, playdate, Sawyer, twins
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
I was not able to prevent Jake or Sawyer’s deaths. As their mother, I thought I could/should be able to protect them from anything and everything. I was wrong. I try my best to keep the twins as safe as possible. I know that just like with Jake and Sawyer I will not be able to shelter them from anything and everything. It is a work in progress . . .
There once was a little boy who would talk on and on about his friend, G. He thought about having a playdate with her but was not quite sure he was ready for his mom to make the call to set it up. Then one day G’s mom and the little boy’s mom made a plan to play after school.
After he found out about the plan, the little boy would wake up every morning and anxiously ask, “Is today the day that G is coming over to play?”
Finally the big day arrived. At school, there was a field trip to a park. The little boy’s mom was one of the drivers. On the playground, the little boy ran up to his mom and sadly declared, “G changed her mind and she is not coming over to play today.” The little boy’s twin sister came running up right behind him and just for emphasis yelled “G is NOT coming over ever.”
The little boy’s mother tried to say comforting things like, “maybe G will change her mind” and “if G does not come over today we will find another day for a playdate.” The little boy folded his arms over his chest and sadly said, “Mama, this is the worstest day ever.”
The field trip ended and all the children went back to school. The little boy asked G again if she would come over for the playdate. She responded that should would never ever come over.
The little boy’s mom tried unsuccessfully to think of an extra special treat for the afternoon. Pick up time arrived and G hopped into her car. The little boy unhappily watched her as she climbed into her minivan. The little boy’s mom as a last-ditch effort went over to G’s car before it drove out of the carpool line. G smiled at the little boy’s mom. G climbed out of her car seat and said, “I think I would like to go on that playdate now.”
And they played happily ever after.
Help
May 2, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 23 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Jake, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer, siblings
Aibileen, from The Help, whispers this quote in Mae Mobley’s ear every day so she will understand that she is special. Are there words which I can whisper into my toddlers’ ears that will help them understand about their brothers?
The other day I was driving the twins and listening to their conversation. They were discussing one of their friend’s new baby sister. The conversation went something like this:
“We have babies too.”
“Our babies are not growing.”
“They are flowers.”
“Flowers grow. So, our babies are growing.”
“Mama, what kind of flowers are Jake and Sawyer?”
A long silence from me. I finally come up with, “want to go to the new playground?”
I Heart the March of Dimes
April 18, 2012 at 6:18 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, parents | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, hope, Jake, March of Dimes, Sawyer, tragedy, unexplainable
As I mentioned in my last post, our family supports the March of Dimes. We have walked every year since Jake died. Our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year we are excited because the March of Dimes contacted us to let us know our donations are being matched by the hospital where all 4 of our children were born.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
What I Need
April 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Death, life after loss, mourning, normal? | 19 CommentsTags: autism, child loss, Jake, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth, Sawyer
I am not always able to adequately articulate my feelings. Jake and Sawyer’s deaths have often left me feeling alone and misunderstood. Sometimes I read something and it is exactly how I think and feel. Reading Four Plus An Angel by Jessica, often leaves me with that reaction. Jessica, writes beautifully about her life without her daughter Hadley.
What I Need by Jessica
I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.
I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.
I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.
I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.
I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.
I need an extra hug and respect for my space.
I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.
I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.
I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.
I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.
I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.
But more than anything I need you…
your support, your friendship, your understanding…
a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.
Two other impressive things going on at Four Plus An Angel:
- Jessica is also an advocate for autism. She has a very cool project going on during April, Autism Awareness month. Jessica is asking for a picture of you or someone you know or love who has autism, holding up a message they would like the world to know about autism. For more details on the project and where to send pictures click here.
- Jessica, like our family, supports the March of Dimes. She is very close to her goal and I am hoping that she makes it. Click on the button below to donate to Jessica’s team.
Time Traveler
March 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, unexplainable
I wish I could go back to this moment:
I sometimes do feel like I should be able to beam myself back to the fall of 2009. If I could just hold Sawyer one more moment. Kiss his sweet cheeks. Perhaps all the allergy medicine I have been taking has made me loopy. Or, maybe it is because I just finished the Time Traveler’s Wife. I pray every night that Sawyer will visit me in my dreams. He has not in quite a while. I wake up every morning knowing that I am still here in 2012 and this is our reality:
TMI vs. not TMI?
February 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in life lessons, normal?, twins, venting | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, infertility, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I do talk about Jake and Sawyer – and if you are reading this then you know I do write about them quite often. They are never far from my thoughts. However, I will at times not mention my 2 children who are not with me. Sometimes it is because I do not know the other person and will never see them again. Other times it is because I do not want to see the look of pity which often accompanies Jake and Sawyer’s stories.
Then there are times when I give too much information on purpose. I distinctly remember a wedding shortly after Jake died. Evan and I were talking to 2 other couples. One of the couples, who are our very good friends, like us did not have any children at home at the time. The 3rd couple kept mentioning their kids and the fact that we did not have any. They asked things like, “How long have you been married?” We each answered. Couple #3 followed up with, “So, aren’t you thinking about having kids?” We each politely tried to dodge the questions and change the subject. Couple #3 did not take the hints. I finally had enough. I wanted to stop this line of questioning. So, I piped up,”We buried our son a few months ago.” I thought that the conversation would come to a screeching halt. I was wrong. Couple #3 does not miss a beat, “When will you start trying again?”
The past few days I have been once again tempted to share too much information in order to stop a conversation. We have been receiving many emails about teacher appreciation week at the twins’ preschool. Each class needs volunteers for a specific time so the teachers can eat a child free (aka peaceful) lunch. The exact time the volunteers are needed is when Evan and I have a meeting scheduled with a rabbi to discuss Sawyer’s unveiling.
At first I did not reply to the emails. The emails kept coming. I drafted the following:
“I am sorry I cannot volunteer for the teacher appreciation lunch because we need to meet with a rabbi so that we can plan our youngest son’s unveiling. We have had trouble getting the correct headstone. Now it is here and the rabbi who presided over Sawyer’s funeral took a visiting rabbi assignment up north. He won’t be back till April. A very good friend put us in touch with her rabbi. We are meeting with him at the exact same time you need volunteers.”
I deleted my rambling email and opted for not TMI:
“Sorry again but I just cannot volunteer at that time this week. If something changes I will let you know asap. Hope that you have a good night. Thank you.”
Sometimes less is more.
Out of Control
February 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, twins, venting | 6 CommentsTags: Buddha, infertility, Jake, life after loss, mario andretti, Sawyer, unexplainable
“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
– – Mario Andretti
Thank you all so much for the well wishes for Evan. He was cleared to go back to work. He will have quite a few doctor’s appointments in his future but we are hopeful that his health will be back under control soon. I have once again been reminded of an important life lesson. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL.
I am not sure what happens but sometimes I forget. It is like I have amnesia and I actually believe I have a bit of control. Jake, Sawyer, infertility . . . just to list a few glaring instances where I am not in charge. I will continue to remind myself of the tasks which I can control. Laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping. . .a few which immediately come to mind. As for the rest, I will have to try my best and go with the flow.
I recently read another Buddha story about an old man who accidentally fell into a river leading to a dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. “I bent myself into the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived.”
The Things People Say . . .
February 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, Jake, life after loss, motherhood, Sawyer
After Jake died people did not know what to say. There would be a lot of awkward conversations which would start like this:
“He is in a better place.”
OR,
“He would have had a difficult life.”
Followed by me either not responding at all or starting to cry.
After the twins were born one of the conversations I can recall started with, “Oh how great, you got your boy back.”
More silence and crying from me.
After Sawyer died there were more statements similar to these – most of which are not worth repeating, writing down or remembering. At first, the comments would make me even sadder (which I did not think was possible). Then the comments made me mad. Somewhere along the way I decided that people did not mean to hurt me. They just have no idea what to say. Sometimes they just say whatever comes to mind first. Or, they try to relate to Jake and/or Sawyer’s deaths with an experience of their own – or something that happened to their neighbor’s 2nd cousin.
I try to believe that people always have the best intentions no matter what actually comes out of their mouths.
I will confess, at times I have wished for a taser to silence people before they say stupid things.
Thank you to Tiffany and Mary for posting this video because it pretty much says it all.
Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
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