Once Upon a Playdate
May 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, silver lining, twins | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, home, hope, Jake, motherhood, parenthood, perspective, playdate, Sawyer, twins
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
I was not able to prevent Jake or Sawyer’s deaths. As their mother, I thought I could/should be able to protect them from anything and everything. I was wrong. I try my best to keep the twins as safe as possible. I know that just like with Jake and Sawyer I will not be able to shelter them from anything and everything. It is a work in progress . . .
There once was a little boy who would talk on and on about his friend, G. He thought about having a playdate with her but was not quite sure he was ready for his mom to make the call to set it up. Then one day G’s mom and the little boy’s mom made a plan to play after school.
After he found out about the plan, the little boy would wake up every morning and anxiously ask, “Is today the day that G is coming over to play?”
Finally the big day arrived. At school, there was a field trip to a park. The little boy’s mom was one of the drivers. On the playground, the little boy ran up to his mom and sadly declared, “G changed her mind and she is not coming over to play today.” The little boy’s twin sister came running up right behind him and just for emphasis yelled “G is NOT coming over ever.”
The little boy’s mother tried to say comforting things like, “maybe G will change her mind” and “if G does not come over today we will find another day for a playdate.” The little boy folded his arms over his chest and sadly said, “Mama, this is the worstest day ever.”
The field trip ended and all the children went back to school. The little boy asked G again if she would come over for the playdate. She responded that should would never ever come over.
The little boy’s mom tried unsuccessfully to think of an extra special treat for the afternoon. Pick up time arrived and G hopped into her car. The little boy unhappily watched her as she climbed into her minivan. The little boy’s mom as a last-ditch effort went over to G’s car before it drove out of the carpool line. G smiled at the little boy’s mom. G climbed out of her car seat and said, “I think I would like to go on that playdate now.”
And they played happily ever after.
Help
May 2, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 23 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Jake, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer, siblings
Aibileen, from The Help, whispers this quote in Mae Mobley’s ear every day so she will understand that she is special. Are there words which I can whisper into my toddlers’ ears that will help them understand about their brothers?
The other day I was driving the twins and listening to their conversation. They were discussing one of their friend’s new baby sister. The conversation went something like this:
“We have babies too.”
“Our babies are not growing.”
“They are flowers.”
“Flowers grow. So, our babies are growing.”
“Mama, what kind of flowers are Jake and Sawyer?”
A long silence from me. I finally come up with, “want to go to the new playground?”
Thank you!
April 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, why I write | 4 CommentsTags: acting, baby loss, death of a child, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, SUIDS
2 words today:
THANK YOU!!
Random H’s
April 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm | Posted in life after loss, parents, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, dogs, grandparents, hair, hope, humor, March of Dimes, new not so normal, random, songs
Hugs:
Hugs
How To. . .:
Hairdos:
Happy Hairdo
Hairdos - A & Uwannabun
Hounds:
Hounds
Hope:
March of Dimes 2011
I Heart the March of Dimes
April 18, 2012 at 6:18 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, parents | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, hope, Jake, March of Dimes, Sawyer, tragedy, unexplainable
As I mentioned in my last post, our family supports the March of Dimes. We have walked every year since Jake died. Our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year we are excited because the March of Dimes contacted us to let us know our donations are being matched by the hospital where all 4 of our children were born.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Running with the Rosebuds
March 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm | Posted in after death?, life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Charlie, child loss, cystic fibrosis, hope, life after loss, perspective
Last weekend the twins ran in a race to support Cystic Fibrosis. One of my brother’s best friends, Charlie, had CF. Cystic fibrosis is an inherited, chronic disease that affects the lungs and digestive system of about 30,000 individuals in the United States, and 70,000 people worldwide. In the 1950s, few children with cystic fibrosis lived to attend elementary school. Today, advances in research and medical care have enhanced and extended the lives of children and adults with CF. Many people with the disease can expect now to live into their 30s, 40s and beyond.
Charlie’s parents were told that he would not live to be a teenager. He beat the odds and he did live past his teens, twenties and into his thirties. Charlie was an amazing person who inspired all who were lucky enough to know him. I hope that Jake and Sawyer have somehow been able to meet Charlie.
Both Evan and his sister have been diagnosed with lung diseases which CF research could potentially one day help.
Click here to see the twins race warm up.
Sunshine and Rain
January 30, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, rainbows
Weather is a great metaphor for life – sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad,
and there’s nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella.
~Terri Guillemets
Thank you for all the well wishes. Today was sunny and both of the twins went to preschool. This time of year the birthdays, anniversaries and yahrzeits for Jake and Sawyer are over. The “pressure to be happy because it the holidays” is over too. The dark days are a little less dark.
It helps that the sun has been shining and this winter has not been too cold. There has been a lot of rain and sometimes there are storms. It is all part of life. I wish some of the storms were not quite so severe but no one asked me.
When it does rain the twins usually belt out a few verses of “rain, rain go away.” This brings a smile to my face. If that does not do the trick then I can always fall back on the song Blame it on the rain by Milli Vanilli. “You can blame it on the rain. . .You got to blame it on something” is then stuck in my head for the rest of the day. So, even on the dark rainy days there is some light.
My New Not so Normal
December 30, 2011 at 11:40 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, hope, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, unexplainable
In three words I can sum up every-
thing I’ve learned about life.
It goes on. ~Robert Frost
I am not the same person that I was before 2005 – before Jake died.
I went to where I thought was the deepest darkest place in my life. Then there came a day when I realized that I was still alive and I needed to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.
I called it my new normal.
I tried every day to just live. I went to work. I tried to interact with the rest of the world. When the twins were born my normal life revolved around them and their routine.
I have never gotten “over” Jake but I thought my new normal was working.
Until Sawyer died. My new normal was thrown a devastating curve ball.
There is nothing normal about 1 child dying let alone 2. I am now attempting to live my new not so normal.
This new not so normal is not easy for anyone. It is hard for Evan. Family and friends suffer the loss of Jake and Sawyer as well as their own challenges and losses in life. All I can do is try my best every day to live this new not so normal life.
I often repeat to myself a phrase that my high school track coach would yell after us as we ran, “whatever does not kill you will make you stronger.”
Tear Soup
December 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: dark days, hope, Jake, life after loss, perspective, Sawyer
After Jake died many people gave us books to read about death and grief. I could not read any of them for a long time. I was searching for steps to get through the grief. The first book I managed to read was Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen. There are a lot of pictures and the story is simple. The book does not provide the “steps” I was looking for but it did help me.
The main character is Grandy, a wise old woman. She has suffered a big loss but the exact nature of the loss is not mentioned. She goes into her kitchen and cooks a batch of Tear Soup. The soup is made of memories and lots of tears. She cooks the soup throughout the book. She never really finishes cooking the soup but she does put some of it into the refrigerator to take out at a later time.
At the end of the book there are tips for the cook. I thought I would share a few of them:
• Grief is the process you go through as you adjust to the loss of anything or anyone important in your life.
• The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you love, or a change in health status are just a few of the situations that can cause grief.
• Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation.
• The amount of “work” your grief requires will depend on your life experiences, the type of loss, and whatever else you have on your plate at that time.
• A sudden, unexpected loss is usually more traumatic, more disruptive and requires more time to adjust to.
• You may lose trust in your own ability to make decisions and/or to trust others.
• Assumptions about fairness, life order, and religious beliefs are often challenged.
• Seasons, with their colors and climate, can also take you back to that moment in time when your world stood still.
• You may sense you have no control in your life .
.• Being at work may provide a relief from your grief, but as soon as you get in the car and start driving home you may find your grief come flooding back.
• You may find that you are incapable of functioning in the work environment for a short while.
• Because grief is distracting it also means you are more accident-prone.
• The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss.
• Over the years you will look back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life. Your understanding of life will just keep going deeper.
These days between Sawyer’s birthday and the day he died are difficult. I try to look back at what helped me in the past and hope that it will get me through these dark days.
“It is always darkest before the dawn.” Proverb
Somewhere over the Rainbow
December 14, 2011 at 11:22 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 CommentsTags: hope, infertility, Jake, new not so normal, rainbows, Sawyer
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:
“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”
After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again. I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”. There was no pass for us. When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility. We started with cycles of injectables. We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term). Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.
In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.
Who knew another storm would come so soon? I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere. Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness. The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .
After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry
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