TMI vs. not TMI?
February 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in life lessons, normal?, twins, venting | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, infertility, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I do talk about Jake and Sawyer – and if you are reading this then you know I do write about them quite often. They are never far from my thoughts. However, I will at times not mention my 2 children who are not with me. Sometimes it is because I do not know the other person and will never see them again. Other times it is because I do not want to see the look of pity which often accompanies Jake and Sawyer’s stories.
Then there are times when I give too much information on purpose. I distinctly remember a wedding shortly after Jake died. Evan and I were talking to 2 other couples. One of the couples, who are our very good friends, like us did not have any children at home at the time. The 3rd couple kept mentioning their kids and the fact that we did not have any. They asked things like, “How long have you been married?” We each answered. Couple #3 followed up with, “So, aren’t you thinking about having kids?” We each politely tried to dodge the questions and change the subject. Couple #3 did not take the hints. I finally had enough. I wanted to stop this line of questioning. So, I piped up,”We buried our son a few months ago.” I thought that the conversation would come to a screeching halt. I was wrong. Couple #3 does not miss a beat, “When will you start trying again?”
The past few days I have been once again tempted to share too much information in order to stop a conversation. We have been receiving many emails about teacher appreciation week at the twins’ preschool. Each class needs volunteers for a specific time so the teachers can eat a child free (aka peaceful) lunch. The exact time the volunteers are needed is when Evan and I have a meeting scheduled with a rabbi to discuss Sawyer’s unveiling.
At first I did not reply to the emails. The emails kept coming. I drafted the following:
“I am sorry I cannot volunteer for the teacher appreciation lunch because we need to meet with a rabbi so that we can plan our youngest son’s unveiling. We have had trouble getting the correct headstone. Now it is here and the rabbi who presided over Sawyer’s funeral took a visiting rabbi assignment up north. He won’t be back till April. A very good friend put us in touch with her rabbi. We are meeting with him at the exact same time you need volunteers.”
I deleted my rambling email and opted for not TMI:
“Sorry again but I just cannot volunteer at that time this week. If something changes I will let you know asap. Hope that you have a good night. Thank you.”
Sometimes less is more.
Out of Control
February 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, twins, venting | 6 CommentsTags: Buddha, infertility, Jake, life after loss, mario andretti, Sawyer, unexplainable
“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
– – Mario Andretti
Thank you all so much for the well wishes for Evan. He was cleared to go back to work. He will have quite a few doctor’s appointments in his future but we are hopeful that his health will be back under control soon. I have once again been reminded of an important life lesson. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL.
I am not sure what happens but sometimes I forget. It is like I have amnesia and I actually believe I have a bit of control. Jake, Sawyer, infertility . . . just to list a few glaring instances where I am not in charge. I will continue to remind myself of the tasks which I can control. Laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping. . .a few which immediately come to mind. As for the rest, I will have to try my best and go with the flow.
I recently read another Buddha story about an old man who accidentally fell into a river leading to a dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. “I bent myself into the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived.”
Things People Say (part 2)
February 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: infertility, motherhood, new not so normal, parenthood
In my last post I should have included the fact that I am positive I have said, written or done the wrong things at the wrong times. Almost every time I call my father-in-law, who is a recent widower, I cannot seem to stop myself from starting the conversation with, “How are you?” I try to rephrase the question as soon as it comes out of my mouth but it is always too late.
Over the weekend, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who is thinking about starting infertility treatments. I feel like I have earned a masters (or at least an honorary degree) in infertility. At first I started to tell her about the injectables, IUIs and the IVFs. Luckily, my brain kicked in before I opened my mouth.
I thought back to my life before the twins were born. Jake had died. There was no “your baby died, now you get a baby free pass” for me and Evan. Eventually we boarded the infertility rollercoaster. The sadness and desperation were all-consuming. Every month seemed like an eternity.
My friend was in pain and did not need to hear about my depths of despair. So, instead of sharing my war stories I gave her the phone number of my doctor. Then I told her if she ever felt like talking I would always be here to listen.
There seem to be endless opportunities in life to say the wrong thing. It is hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and separate out your own feelings. We all have different experiences. We start from a variety of places. Who is to judge what is right and what is wrong? All we can do is try our best.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~Dalai Lama
After I did have the twins one of my favorite friends sent me the link to the video below. It makes me smile so I thought I would share.
Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
Life Lessons (part 2)
January 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, silver lining, twins | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, twins
“Today is the best day ever,” is a phrase the twins proclaim almost every day. This week I asked what exactly makes it the best day ever.
Day 1, we were in the carpool line and the teacher opened the car door. At that moment one of the twins proceeded to get sick in the car and on himself. His sister somehow managed to stay clean and went to school.
I drove home, cleaned him and the car. Our dryer had been broken so as I debated how best to clean the dirty clothes he announced, “This is the best day ever!” Really!? So, I asked him, what makes this the best day ever? He laughed as he replied, “The water you gave me after I got sick.”
Day 2, we woke up to this:
After we left the pediatrician to go pick up the prescription for pink eye, he proclaimed, “This is the best day ever!” I was so perplexed as to why he thought waking up with your eye glued shut and spending the morning at the doctor’s office was so fantastic. I asked again, “Really, this is the best day ever? What makes it the best?” He excitedly answered, “I get to go to CVS!”
Day 3, I had been up most of the night with the twins because of coughing and pink eye. They share a room so I decided to take one into the other room and hoped that everyone would get some sleep. The other room was originally our guest room. Then it was Sawyer’s room. Now most of Sawyer’s things have been removed, the guest furniture is in the room and it is still light green we had it painted before Sawyer was born.
I woke up in the morning and both twins were in the bed. They were talking about how Sawyer thinks this is the best day ever. I asked, “Why does Sawyer think this is the best day ever?” They replied, “He is so happy to share his room with us.”
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them – Lawrence Welk
Memorials, Mickey & Moments
January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, family, gratitude, happy, Jake, Sawyer
This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died. Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died). My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer.
It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .
Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.
During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation. I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip.
However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve. I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not. It is complicated. I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake.
It is bittersweet.
Here is some of the sweetness:
And here is some more:
And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.
By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
Rabbi Hannah Orden
Angels
December 28, 2011 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, year in review
No words today – just pictures from the past year.
Muddy Snow Angel
Snow Angel in Action
Rug Angel
Bath Angels
Grass Angel
Another Grass Angel
Rock Garden Angel
Rock Garden Angel #2
Leaf Angel
Airport Floor Angel (yuck!)
Stuffed Animal Angel
Stuffed Animal Angel #2
Missing Angel
Okay – the last picture is not from 2011. We wish we had pictures from this past year of Jake and Sawyer.
Dancing Dreidels
December 16, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, twins
Today the twins performed in their preschool holiday show. The first class to come out featured one of our singing candles:
Our other singing candle came out later with her class:
The younger 2-year-old class performed as dancing dreidels. The class seemed like it was missing someone. I could almost see the place where Sawyer should have been standing. I looked around the room to see if anyone else noticed. The moms who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Sawyer were busy taking pictures of their adorable children.
I squeezed Evan’s hand and whispered, “this should be Sawyer’s class. . . ” Evan said, “I know.” Sawyer should be up on the stage too. I did not think anyone else noticed his absence.
I was wrong.
As we were leaving, the twins were piling all their papers and endless other accessories into my arms. I was trying to hold everything along with the balloons they each had been given. I accidentally let one go. I braced myself for the cries to retrieve the balloon. Instead they said, “Sawyer likes blue, that balloon is for him. Let the other balloon go too! The other balloon is for Jake.”
And so I let it go.
Somewhere over the Rainbow
December 14, 2011 at 11:22 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 CommentsTags: hope, infertility, Jake, new not so normal, rainbows, Sawyer
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:
“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”
After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again. I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”. There was no pass for us. When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility. We started with cycles of injectables. We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term). Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.
In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.
Who knew another storm would come so soon? I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere. Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness. The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .
After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry
Thankful
November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, holidays, hope, infertility, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins
I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving. In some ways I have come a long way. In other ways not so much. I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year. It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1. I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating. I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died. I avoided any and all holiday parties. I could not pretend to go through the motions. I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.
No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer. This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past. The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents. We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died. The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.
We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born. I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins. In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November. We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving. Needless to say we stayed home that year.
I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family. No travel, no stress. We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet. Maybe we never will. We will keep trying. I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
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A Mourning Mom 