August Again
August 4, 2012 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Death, Grief, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, quotes
No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere. – Dodinsky
August comes every year. Right after July. I have lived through these anniversaries of deaths and births before. There are happy days this month too.
Unlike the first year after Jake died not all the days are dark. I will try my best to take care of the twins, keep busy and smile. I will not always succeed.
I have learned that part of my journey since Jake and Sawyer died is that grief at times sneaks up and knocks the wind right out of me. Grief does not take me by surprise in August. I know that it is there and I will brace myself for it.
Right Where I am: 6 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 2 years, 5 months and 2 weeks
June 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 11 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, Jake, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins
I am joining still life with circles for right where I am. Angie started this project last year. She asked other bereaved parents to write about where they were in their grief.
Am I 6 years, 9 months, 2 weeks from the last time I held Jake? Or, 2 years, 5 months and 2 weeks from the last time I saw Sawyer alive? (or I suppose it could even be the 2 or so months since the miscarriage). To be honest, I do not know where I am except right here.
I no longer cry every day. However, there is not a day which goes by that I do not think of them. Now I am answering bittersweet questions and telling their brother and sister about them.
My arms no longer constantly ache to hold them. However, the moments when they do ache are still so sharp and real. I hug their siblings just a bit tighter.
I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer without the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. However, the sadness and lost dreams are still there. Now they are part of me.
Just like the early days of this journey of grief I take it all one day at a time. I breathe. I put one foot in front of the other. I stay really busy. I try to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be. I do not always succeed. Sometimes I cry and the days are dark. I try to hope. I look for rainbows. I love and miss my 2 little boys. I live.
Miscarriage
May 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, pregnancy | 18 CommentsTags: bed rest, child loss, death of a baby, grief, hope, miscarriage, mom, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, Sad
The doctor who told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage put me on bed rest for a few days. Bed rest for me equals time where my thoughts can take over any rational part of my brain and run wild. Bed rest means that I can not resort to my usual defense of keeping so busy that I do not have time to think.
I cried on the couch as I watched the twins play. I was so lucky that my mom was able to come to town. I told her that she did not need to come. I knew by the time I spoke to her that no amount of bed rest was going to help. She said she wanted to come anyway. I did not argue.
I thought writing about it in my last post would somehow help. I reread my post and it turns out that I did not actually write what happened. So here it is, I had a miscarriage.
I will be fine. I will continue to get up and live just as I have every day, week, month and now years since Jake and Sawyer have died.
The Triathlon
May 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Grief | 25 CommentsTags: bittersweet, death, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, triathlon
This weekend I swam, biked and ran. My only real goal was to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way. As I raced I realized that grief (or my experiences with it so far) is a lot like a triathlon.
Getting into the cool water is shocking and sudden. Keep moving – no matter what chaos or fogginess has set in, the only solution is forward motion.
“There is nothing left we can do for Jake.”
“Baby is not breathing.”
Next, there is bawling and bargaining. After the shock wears off a bit there are lots and lots of tears.
I would have traded places with Jake and Sawyer if it was humanly possible. I stared at the hospital walls and pleaded that it was me not them.
There are downhills and some coasting but there is always a hill up ahead. Shifting gears helps at times but not always.
Lastly, reality sets in but it is not the same reality as before – the shock has turned to sadness and the bawling has become bittersweetness. The bargaining is done.
My goal is still the same, to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way.
The Things People Say . . .
February 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, Jake, life after loss, motherhood, Sawyer
After Jake died people did not know what to say. There would be a lot of awkward conversations which would start like this:
“He is in a better place.”
OR,
“He would have had a difficult life.”
Followed by me either not responding at all or starting to cry.
After the twins were born one of the conversations I can recall started with, “Oh how great, you got your boy back.”
More silence and crying from me.
After Sawyer died there were more statements similar to these – most of which are not worth repeating, writing down or remembering. At first, the comments would make me even sadder (which I did not think was possible). Then the comments made me mad. Somewhere along the way I decided that people did not mean to hurt me. They just have no idea what to say. Sometimes they just say whatever comes to mind first. Or, they try to relate to Jake and/or Sawyer’s deaths with an experience of their own – or something that happened to their neighbor’s 2nd cousin.
I try to believe that people always have the best intentions no matter what actually comes out of their mouths.
I will confess, at times I have wished for a taser to silence people before they say stupid things.
Thank you to Tiffany and Mary for posting this video because it pretty much says it all.
Angels
December 28, 2011 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 11 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, year in review
No words today – just pictures from the past year.
Muddy Snow Angel
Snow Angel in Action
Rug Angel
Bath Angels
Grass Angel
Another Grass Angel
Rock Garden Angel
Rock Garden Angel #2
Leaf Angel
Airport Floor Angel (yuck!)
Stuffed Animal Angel
Stuffed Animal Angel #2
Missing Angel
Okay – the last picture is not from 2011. We wish we had pictures from this past year of Jake and Sawyer.
Yesterday
November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there. Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday. It was also World Prematurity Day. Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.
November is also Prematurity Awareness Month. Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)? 3 of our 4 children were born premature. So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU. If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.
Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The Golden Sky.” She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke. His birthday would have been today. In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest. She graciously asked me to participate. I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.
Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story. Hopefully, one day I too will find that “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).
Telling the Truth
November 8, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, miscarriage, twins, unexplainable
Someone very close to our family (especially the twins) recently had a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks. The twins knew that there was a baby in her tummy. As in the past, I tried to honestly explain to the twins what happened. It does not always work. I simply told them that the baby is no longer in her tummy. I braced myself for 1,000 questions. There was only 1.
“Where is the baby?”
Excellent question. Where is the baby?
Trying to keep it simple and find the words that their 4-year-old minds can relate to, I responded, “The baby is playing with Sawyer and Jake.”
No follow-up questions. End of discussion. For the moment.
Every time the twins have seen our family friend since that day they ask about the baby.
“Are we sure that the baby is not still in her tummy?”
“Where is the baby?”
Sometimes out of the blue I will be reading bedtime stories and one of the twins will point to my stomach and ask if Sawyer is still in there. I explain the best I can and keep on reading. It is painful for me and our family friend to explain why our babies are no longer with us. The twins, on the other hand, are not phased by these questions.
They are just observing. (Just like the time in a public restroom when they were loudly counting the number of black people and white people in the room. No negatives. Just counting).
They are double checking the facts of the world as they know it.
It is difficult to explain the unexplainable.
“Death cancels all but the truth.” Proverb
No Bones About It
October 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, parenthood
I like Halloween decorations just as much as most people. Although, in college I did ask my freshman year roommate to raise the bats she had hung from our dorm room ceiling. I did this not because I am anti Halloween but because I am about 6 inches taller than her and I hit my head on them every time I crossed the room. I did feel pretty bad when she got upset that I had asked to raise up the bats and took down all the decorations – but that is a different story.
I really only like happy Halloween decorations. Pumpkins are great. Ghosts I am good with. I can even deal with the headstones in the lawn. I am just not so good with bones.
I cannot quite put into words why it bothers me. I know it has to do with Jake and Sawyer. It is all good for other houses but I have made a no bones rule in my house. So far no one has challenged the rule.
Life & Light
October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: death, grandparents, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– – Benjamin Franklin
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents. Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
As we honor and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today. I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”). If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version. Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor. One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt. Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.
I know that death is part of life. GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous
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