February 19, 2016 at 2:05 pm | Posted in Grief, hospital, life after loss | 8 Comments
Tags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, motherhood, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts, unexplainable
On President’s Day I took the twins to a go-kart, bowling, ninja warrior play place. Everyone had a fantastic time until one of the twins decided that he was a much bigger ninja warrior than he actually is. He hurt his ankle and I took him and his sister home.
The next day he was still limping and still on winter break. I decided I should take him to the doctor while he was home and preempt the call I might get from school about his limp. After seeing the doctor she decided we should go get an x-ray.
At this point in the day it was close to rush hour in Atlanta. The closest place to have the x-ray is the children’s hospital across the street from our pediatrician’s office. I drive past the hospital where Sawyer died all the time. I know that revisiting certain places (like the place where Sawyer was pronounced dead) should be avoided. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder after Jake died and then again after Sawyer died.
I decided PTSD or no PTSD we were going for the x-ray. And so we did. One twin went into the x-ray room by himself while I stood with his sister in the hall. I tried with every ounce of my being to shut out the thoughts of standing in this hospital hall staring at the closed door to the room where Sawyer was taken.
A few minutes later the door opened. I held onto a hand of each of the twins and left the hospital.
Little boy with just a sprained ankle and a mom who would like to wrap him and his sister in bubble wrap.
Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln I am so very sorry for your loss
February 12, 2016 at 4:49 pm | Posted in Grief | 8 Comments
Throughout history children have predeceased their parents. Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln had 4 sons. Only 1 lived to adulthood. No wonder Lincoln was always characterized as being depressed. After the death of their 3rd son, Willie, Mary Todd Lincoln wrote, “when I can bring myself to realize that he has indeed passed away, my question to myself is, ‘can life be endured?’.”
I have realized (no matter how much i hate it) that Jake and Sawyer have passed away. I try my best (sometimes better than others) to “endure” life. I am not always so great at getting check ups for myself. As part of the home study for the adoption i did have a physical. However, I have only been to the gynecologist a few times since Sawyer’s birth and death. I am not sure if it is going back to the doctor’s office where during my pregnancy with Sawyer everything was perfect or sitting in a waiting room filled with happy pregnant people (knowing that I am living every parents worst nightmare). I thought about switching (I did after Jake died) but I have remained at the same practice.
Last week I called to schedule a regular check up appointment. I thought there would not be one available for a few weeks maybe even months. The scheduler asked my name and information and quickly said “you have not been here in a while, we are going to fit you in on Monday.”
I thought about cancelling rescheduling the appointment but decided that I should go on Monday and get it over with. I arrived at the doctor’s office and considered myself very lucky because there were no pregnant people in the waiting room. The school nurse called while i was changing for the exam to tell me that one of the twins was sick and needed to be picked up. I asked her if he could wait a little while. I told the doctor about my sick child. He said this will not take long. I did not cry once during the quick exam. I left and drove to the school to pick up my sick child.
Hope is a 4 letter word
January 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love | 12 CommentsTags: adoption, failed adoption, life after loss, perspective, thoughts
In 2015 we had a failed adoption.
Evan and I thought about adoption since we started talking about trying to have more children after Jake died. We started infertility at that time too. We were so lucky, fortunate and blessed to have had the twins and Sawyer with the help of lots of medical professionals.
In 2013 we revisited and moved forward with the adoption process. There were a lot of rejections along the way but in August 2014 we were picked by a birth mother. She was young, homeless and stated that the birth father’s whereabouts were unknown. Evan and I met with her once for lunch. On a separate occasion I was able to go to a doctor’s appointment with her.
On New Year’s Eve day we got a call that she was in labor. Evan came home from work. We told the twins and started to pack the car. I took our dogs to be boarded with the vet. By the time I got home we had gotten another call telling us not to leave quite yet. The birth mother started to have second thoughts and a potential father had entered the picture.
The baby was born on 12/31/2014. Evan and I spent the next few days on a horrible roller coaster waiting for the birth mother’s decision. A few days into 2015 we were told that she had decided to parent the baby.
Over the last year I have gone from sadness to anger (with lots of emotions I cannot identify in between). I have rationalized that we helped this baby and his mother but he is not ours. He is being raised by his mother, who, with help from us, is no longer homeless. Hoping 2016 brings good things for everyone.
holidays and hope
December 30, 2015 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, hope, Jewish customs, life after loss, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
The anniversary of Sawyer’s death (the Jewish yahrzeit and the English date) were both this past week. I know that these anniversaries can be tough for me so I try to keep extra busy. I have been volunteering for an organization called Second Helpings. Restaurants, grocery stores, corporate dining halls, farmers markets and schools with a surplus of food are connected with shelters and food pantries. I signed up as a substitute driver for a few shifts over the holidays. The twins are on vacation from school so they helped too.
It is just basically driving and loading/unloading the food. The twins sat in the car listening to their books on CD while I navigated from the store to the shelter. All was going fine until I realized that the drop off location was around the corner from the Atlanta Medical Examiners Office. After the emergency room this is the building where Sawyer’s body was taken. Evan and I went there to meet with one of the pathologists a few weeks after the autopsy. All my attempts to distract myself failed as soon as I saw that building.
I miss Sawyer on the anniversary of his death, on holidays and every day. I know that this season can be hard for a lot of people. I wish I could make things easier for everyone but since I can not I send you all hope and hugs.
unplugged
December 18, 2015 at 5:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: life after loss, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
So, I have been trying to unplug Evan. He spent part of the other week in the hospital due to pneumonia and breathing complications. His doctor admitted him from the office but Evan waited 8 hours for a room at the hospital. Hour 7 when a guy started smoking an e-cigarette in the waiting room I started to think I would just take Evan home. Finally, they called Evan’s name and an orderly wheeled him towards his room. When we started going through the maternity ward Evan asked the guy if there was any other way to get to his room. The guy responded “no” and I was not sure if I was going to start crying or laughing.
Evan spent a few days in the hospital and I did not take any babies while passing through the maternity ward to visit him. Evan is better and back to work. Evan and the twins have gotten sick before – I know that sickness (and hopefully getting better) is part of life. I am just not as good at handling it – maybe if Jake and Sawyer had not died I would be better with these situations. I will never know.
Six
November 17, 2015 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Sawyer
Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!
I have no words today for how much you are loved and missed. So i am borrowing the ones from your headstone:
There are stars so far away we only see their light long after they are gone. Their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done.
I will look for you in my dreams. Love you always and forever.
Hearts
November 10, 2015 at 7:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 7 CommentsTags: cardiologist, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable
Today the twins had their check up with the pediatric cardiologist. They were both rock stars during the tests. Their hearts are structurally normal. Everything is fine. We will continue regular activity and come back for our next check up.
These are the results that I want to hear but I would be lying if I said that was all I want to hear. I know that it is not realistic, but I want someone to explain to me the cause of Sawyer’s death. I want there to be a medical answer – something I can protect the twins from ever getting. I want to understand but I know it is very possible that will never happen.
In the meantime, the doctors want to continue to monitor the twins hearts while they are still growing. Medical discoveries are being made every day. Maybe one day the channelopathy (or whatever caused Sawyer’s death) will be found.
All I know for sure is that I will continue to love the twins and protect them the best that we can. And their brothers will continue to live on in all of our hearts forever.
Remembering
October 20, 2015 at 9:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable, what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
For remembering Jake.
And many thanks for remembering Sawyer.
I am forever grateful to all who keep Jake’s and Sawyer’s memories alive.
Life goes on (as it should) but another one of the important lessons I have learned in the 10 years since Jake died is I am no longer the same person. Some call it their new normal. I do not think there is anything normal about outliving your child/children.
As a surviving parent I am left to make sense of the unexplainable. Some say that we all have purposes in life which we fulfill throughout our lifetimes. So does that mean that Jake and Sawyer just fulfilled their purpose very quickly and therefore they had very short lives?
I wonder what were their purposes? Are Evan and I supposed to help or continue their purposes? I may never know the answers to these questions but I do know that I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered.
The other day there was a discussion in the back seat of our car about ages of the twins’ friends and their siblings. One of their friends has a brother who was born in September of 2009. Another friend has a little sister born in December of 2009. After we had dropped off their friends, Evan and I talked to the twins about their little brother, Sawyer, who was born in November of 2009.
Remembering
By Elizabeth Dent
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
I’m already crying inside.
The tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurting when you just keep silent.
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child.
Knowing that he has been missed.
You ask me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But the healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
October 15th
October 14, 2015 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Sawyer, traditions | 3 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Sawyer
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tomorrow at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
Update – October 15, 2015 at 7:30 pm:
Remembering Jake and Sawyer and all the other babies gone too soon
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A Mourning Mom 