The Story of the Stones
March 28, 2012 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, traditions, twins | 9 CommentsTags: Jewish customs, new not so normal, twins, unexplainable
You may have noticed in my last post that Jake and Sawyer’s headstone is covered with stones. At the unveiling, Jake and Sawyer’s sister carefully arranged all of the stones. In fact, the twins each painted rocks for the occasion. She would only paint the smooth stones. He would only paint the rough ones.
The tradition of leaving rocks on the headstone signifies that someone has visited which honors the deceased person’s memory. The last scene of Schindler’s List depicts children of Survivors placing stones on Oscar Schindler’s grave.
There are many theories on the origins of this custom. A few are the following:
- The stones are a kind of calling card left for the deceased. Stones, unlike flowers, are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.
- Jacob’s sons took a stone and put it on Rachel’s (their mother’s)grave to make up Rachel’s tomb. In placing stones on the grave one participates in building the tombstone.
- A large stone slab was placed on the grave so that it would not be lost. Rabbi Tam, goes on to explain that there were smaller stones that were set under the sides of the large stone that rests on them so that it will not bear down too heavily on the deceased.
- The ritual of placing a stone is a way of expressing our emotions and spiritual needs. Rabbi Andrew Straus explains that “we need physical acts to express these things for us, to make them concrete.”
“Placing a stone on a grave does just that. It works in several ways:
1) It is a sign to others who come to the grave when I am not there that they and I are not the only ones who remember. The stones I see on the grave when I come are a reminder to me that others have come to visit the grave. My loved one is remembered by many others and his/her life continues to have an impact on others, even if I do not see them.
2) When I pick up the stone it sends a message to me. I can still feel my loved one. I can still touch and be touched by him/her. I can still feel the impact that has been made on my life. Their life, love, teachings, values, and morals still make an impression on me. When I put the stone down, it is a reminder to me that I can no longer take this person with me physically. I can only take him/her with me in my heart and my mind and the actions I do because he/she taught me to do them. Their values, morals, ideals live on and continue to impress me – just as the stone has made an impression on my hands – so too their life has made an impression on me that continues.” Rabbi Tom Louchheim
I am sure there are more theories but no matter the origins I like the tradition. Evan and I collect stones from places we go. We have our own tradition of kissing the rocks before we place them on the headstone. We are sending kisses to Jake and Sawyer. I hope that they are getting them.
Time Traveler
March 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, unexplainable
I wish I could go back to this moment:
I sometimes do feel like I should be able to beam myself back to the fall of 2009. If I could just hold Sawyer one more moment. Kiss his sweet cheeks. Perhaps all the allergy medicine I have been taking has made me loopy. Or, maybe it is because I just finished the Time Traveler’s Wife. I pray every night that Sawyer will visit me in my dreams. He has not in quite a while. I wake up every morning knowing that I am still here in 2012 and this is our reality:
TMI vs. not TMI?
February 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in life lessons, normal?, twins, venting | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, infertility, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I do talk about Jake and Sawyer – and if you are reading this then you know I do write about them quite often. They are never far from my thoughts. However, I will at times not mention my 2 children who are not with me. Sometimes it is because I do not know the other person and will never see them again. Other times it is because I do not want to see the look of pity which often accompanies Jake and Sawyer’s stories.
Then there are times when I give too much information on purpose. I distinctly remember a wedding shortly after Jake died. Evan and I were talking to 2 other couples. One of the couples, who are our very good friends, like us did not have any children at home at the time. The 3rd couple kept mentioning their kids and the fact that we did not have any. They asked things like, “How long have you been married?” We each answered. Couple #3 followed up with, “So, aren’t you thinking about having kids?” We each politely tried to dodge the questions and change the subject. Couple #3 did not take the hints. I finally had enough. I wanted to stop this line of questioning. So, I piped up,”We buried our son a few months ago.” I thought that the conversation would come to a screeching halt. I was wrong. Couple #3 does not miss a beat, “When will you start trying again?”
The past few days I have been once again tempted to share too much information in order to stop a conversation. We have been receiving many emails about teacher appreciation week at the twins’ preschool. Each class needs volunteers for a specific time so the teachers can eat a child free (aka peaceful) lunch. The exact time the volunteers are needed is when Evan and I have a meeting scheduled with a rabbi to discuss Sawyer’s unveiling.
At first I did not reply to the emails. The emails kept coming. I drafted the following:
“I am sorry I cannot volunteer for the teacher appreciation lunch because we need to meet with a rabbi so that we can plan our youngest son’s unveiling. We have had trouble getting the correct headstone. Now it is here and the rabbi who presided over Sawyer’s funeral took a visiting rabbi assignment up north. He won’t be back till April. A very good friend put us in touch with her rabbi. We are meeting with him at the exact same time you need volunteers.”
I deleted my rambling email and opted for not TMI:
“Sorry again but I just cannot volunteer at that time this week. If something changes I will let you know asap. Hope that you have a good night. Thank you.”
Sometimes less is more.
Where are Sawyer & Jake? (part 2)
February 26, 2012 at 9:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Death, Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, family, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, unexplainable
In this post I wrote that I believe Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts. I also believe they are close by. I do not have any proof. It is just a feeling (and a hope). Maybe at times it is more than a feeling.
Last year, in the last few days of Evan’s mother’s life she (Shelley) spoke about people in the room. She was at home. Family, friends and hospice were with her. A few times Shelley mentioned that there was a woman behind her and a little boy on the bench at the end of her bed.
When she was 17, Shelley took care of her sick mother. Shelley cared for her until she died 2 years later. Shelley was 19 at the time. Over 40 years later, Shelley spoke about a woman behind her bed. I believe that woman was her mother.
Evan’s sister asked questions about the woman and the boy. Shelley said that the boy seemed like he was around 6. At the time of Shelley’s death Jake would have been 5 1/2. I like to think that the boy was Jake.
“It is the secret of the world that all things subsist and do not die, but only retire a little from sight and afterwards return again. Nothing is dead; men feign themselves dead, and endure mock funerals and mournful obituaries, and there they stand looking out of the window, sound and well, in some new strange disguise.” – – Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is all part of my new normal. The reality I live in now does not include Jake and Sawyer’s physical presence but they are always nearby. They send me signs – like when I see a praying mantis on the window of my parent’s 8th floor condo or a ladybug in the middle of winter. I will look for their signs while I wait to hold Jake and Sawyer again. As an extremely wise bereaved mom wrote, “a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.”
Out of Control
February 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, twins, venting | 6 CommentsTags: Buddha, infertility, Jake, life after loss, mario andretti, Sawyer, unexplainable
“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.”
– – Mario Andretti
Thank you all so much for the well wishes for Evan. He was cleared to go back to work. He will have quite a few doctor’s appointments in his future but we are hopeful that his health will be back under control soon. I have once again been reminded of an important life lesson. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL.
I am not sure what happens but sometimes I forget. It is like I have amnesia and I actually believe I have a bit of control. Jake, Sawyer, infertility . . . just to list a few glaring instances where I am not in charge. I will continue to remind myself of the tasks which I can control. Laundry, the dishes, grocery shopping. . .a few which immediately come to mind. As for the rest, I will have to try my best and go with the flow.
I recently read another Buddha story about an old man who accidentally fell into a river leading to a dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. “I bent myself into the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived.”
Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
The Good News & the Bad News
January 14, 2012 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, venting | 11 CommentsTags: BS, child loss, headstone, new not so normal, Sad, unexplainable
I got a call the other day from the very kind woman who works at the cemetery. She asked me if I wanted to hear the good news or the bad news first. I feel like any calls from the cemetery are bad news but I went ahead and answered, “The good news.” I know it does not always seem like it but I still try to be an optimist.
“The good news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived.” I did not need for her to tell me the bad news. I could figure out for myself that the bad news is that Sawyer’s headstone arrived and it is wrong. She had already begun to tell me that the headstone has already been sent back and they will let us know any updates.
I do not know what one is supposed to do when their sons’ headstones keep coming in wrong. Do you complain to the customer service department? Do you write to the better business bureau? What exactly are the options here?
Ultimately, I do not know when but I do know that eventually Sawyer’s headstone will be correct. He is not going anywhere so there is no rush. He will still be dead no matter what is on his headstone. I just wish he was with us and there was no need for a headstone at all.
Life Lessons
January 2, 2012 at 10:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, life lessons, silver lining | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, holidays, new not so normal, rainbows, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable, year in review
Here are a few of the things I have learned so far in life. I did not necessarily learn them in 2011 but now seems as good a time as any to share them. Do you have any you would like to share?
This list is not complete and will most likely be ongoing for the rest of my life. They are in no particular order. . .
- When asked, “How you are?” Most of the time people just want to hear the response, “Fine” and go on with their day.
- Hug more. One of the twins loves to hug and be hugged all the time. I will actually be hugging him and he will say, “Mama, I need a hug.” I answer, “I am hugging you right now”. He responds, “Hug more.”
- Look for rainbows.
- Listen carefully. The twins wanted gelt, the chocolate coins which are given out at Hanukkah. However, they kept asking, “Is it time for Hanukkah guilt?”
- Music makes people happy.
- Tutus also make people happy (see above). And, apparently ties can be the reason for really big smiles.
- Sleep. Grief (along with life in general) is exhausting.
- Life can be heartbreaking, unfair and unexplainable. No one ever promised any thing different.
- Treasure the moments – you are never sure just how many you will have.
My New Not so Normal
December 30, 2011 at 11:40 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, hope, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, unexplainable
In three words I can sum up every-
thing I’ve learned about life.
It goes on. ~Robert Frost
I am not the same person that I was before 2005 – before Jake died.
I went to where I thought was the deepest darkest place in my life. Then there came a day when I realized that I was still alive and I needed to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.
I called it my new normal.
I tried every day to just live. I went to work. I tried to interact with the rest of the world. When the twins were born my normal life revolved around them and their routine.
I have never gotten “over” Jake but I thought my new normal was working.
Until Sawyer died. My new normal was thrown a devastating curve ball.
There is nothing normal about 1 child dying let alone 2. I am now attempting to live my new not so normal.
This new not so normal is not easy for anyone. It is hard for Evan. Family and friends suffer the loss of Jake and Sawyer as well as their own challenges and losses in life. All I can do is try my best every day to live this new not so normal life.
I often repeat to myself a phrase that my high school track coach would yell after us as we ran, “whatever does not kill you will make you stronger.”
So this is Christmas
December 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 13 CommentsTags: Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
This is such a festive time of year. You can feel the happiness in the air. I want to wish everyone happy holidays but I may never send another holiday card again. I try in my own way. I do not always succeed.
I cannot figure out why anniversaries and holidays are harder. Every day Jake and Sawyer are gone. We are Jewish so Christmas should not be difficult except for the fact that it is also the anniversary of Sawyer’s death. No one is sure what time Sawyer really died. His death certificate says 4:30 am on December 26th. I believe he was gone before then but it does not really matter what time or place he died. It just matters that he did die. At times I fixate on the details and information I can understand to balance what I will never comprehend.
The last time I held him was at 10:45 pm on Christmas night. He was on the floor of our bedroom at 2:46 am on December 26th. The paramedics, the firemen and the police were there. No one would let me get close to Sawyer. In the ambulance I could not sit in the back with him. I sat up front feeling helpless and alone. Two years later I still feel helpless and alone.
I have hope and even joy but there is always something (someone) missing.
No matter what I do December 26th will come. I cannot make time stand still. I do not want to be any farther away from Sawyer than I already am but it will happen.
I wish I could go somewhere far away from our bedroom floor. I cannot run or hide. No matter where I go my grief goes too. I will keep very busy. I will be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be. Again, I will not always succeed. I will have hope. I will wait until I can hold Sawyer again.
For some moments in life there are no words.
~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
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