Burritos, Buddha & Baggage

September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death.  It is hard to let go.  A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process.  The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth.  Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?

One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.

The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.

As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”

Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake.  It means moving forward.  It will not always be a straight path.  Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey.  Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):

Namaste.

Hats & Hope?

September 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 11 Comments
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I had been hoping for an answer to why Sawyer died.  And while I was hoping, I wanted an answer to why Jake died.  There is no answer today.  There might not be an answer tomorrow.  Or ever.  I was hoping that I could fight against whatever caused the deaths of our babies.  I could raise awareness.  Help other families.  Now I do not know what I am fighting against.

Perhaps in the case of Jake it is prematurity and hydrops that I need to fight.  Maybe Sawyer will officially be another SIUDS statistic and I can try to figure out what that means.  It seems hard to fight against the unknnown.

I have readjusted what I hope for in the past.  It is once again time for me to change my hopes.  I have to stop hoping for an answer.

I will continue to be so thankful for everything I do have.

I will continue to be inspired by parents who have turned their grief into action:

The Ronan Thompson Foundation
Layla Grace Foundation 
Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams

I hope to have the strength one day to also turn my grief into action.  Writing and speaking about Jake and Sawyer is a step in the right direction.  I just have to figure out what is next.  Any suggestions?

99!!

August 30, 2011 at 11:51 am | Posted in silver lining | 7 Comments
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August is a bittersweet rollercoaster for me.  Luckily, it always ends with a happy day.  My grandfather’s birthday.  He is 99!!   I just want to wish him a very happy birthday.

A Person is a Person

August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 Comments
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“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss

Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs.  Not a big guy but a fighter.  According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.

According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago.  The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.  Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle.  We said the mourner’s kaddish.  After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it.  Perhaps it is because I am usually crying.  Perhaps it is a mental block.  Whatever.  We thought about Jake.

I will light another candle for Jake in a few days.  I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries.  I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.

Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.

Note:  The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .

August Attire?

August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October.  Halloween to be specific.  The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.

 

The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken.  Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.

It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months.  I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.

 “One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb

Cosmic Connections & Kindness

August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 Comments
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Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house.  They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it).  Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died.  It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.

Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies.  The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake).  There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave.  I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.

This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend.  In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins).  I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there.  In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.

Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave.  Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite.  Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”

The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass.  Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away.  The grass had become extremely over grown.  I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.

The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer.  He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone.  He did not want me to be surprised.

Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.

Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain

Not an Unhappy Birthday

June 6, 2011 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, silver lining, traditions | 4 Comments
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“Don’t cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened.”  Dr. Seuss

Today would have been my mother-in-law’s birthday.

Last year at this time the whole family was celebrating her birthday at the beach.  This year is a very different story.  I do not believe that there are any rules in this area.  So, I have made up my own.  On Jake’s and Sawyer’s birthdays I light a candle.   I want to celebrate their birth and their life.

A few other ideas about celebrating a deceased loved one’s birthday are the following:

  • Write the person a letter
  • Visit the cemetery
  • Release balloons
  • Plant a tree in their honor
  • Make a donation in their name
  • Tell stories/look at pictures
  • Whatever brings you any comfort (no matter how slight it might be)

The world is a better place because Jake, Sawyer and my mother-in-law were in it.  Happy Birthday Shelley.

Happily Ever After and Hope

June 2, 2011 at 11:11 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 5 Comments
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Thank you so much for all the extremely kind and wise comments on my last post.  I did not mean to sound more out of sorts than usual.  Nothing significant has changed.  Jake has still been dead for 5 years and 9 months.  Sawyer has still been dead for 18 months.  I have many good things in my life – for which I am very grateful and happy.  I just always believed my life would have a “happily ever after” ending which did not include burying 2 children.

Now I need to adjust my expectations.  I have done this before and I am sure that I will again.  For now I am going to try to be like Jimmy Buffett and “. . . live happily ever after, every now and then.”

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Hand-me-downs and Hope

May 30, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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We are extremely fortunate that the twins are the recipients of hand-me-downs from our niece, nephew and a few close friends.  As the twins outgrow the clothes I put them into buckets marked with the sizes.  I then bring the buckets to our basement.  For a few years the clothes sat down in our basement with the hopes that we would have a younger sibling for the twins.

After we had Sawyer and he was safely home from the hospital I went down to the basement.  I brought up all the boy clothes from 0 to 12 months.  I washed them and put them away in his room.  In the almost 6 weeks that he was alive Sawyer wore some of the very kind gifts given to him when he was born and hand-me-downs.

Within the first few days after he died I went into his room and started to put away the clothes.  A few family members were with me.  One suggested that we send all the clothes to my brother and sister-in-law who were expecting a boy in a few months.  It sounded like a good idea to me.  However, Evan who usually stays out of the crazy clothes storing business strongly disagreed.  He was not ready for the clothes to leave our house.  The clothes went back to the basement.

Awhile later I spoke to Evan and we agreed to send some of the clothes to our new nephew.  And now every few months I go down to the basement and pack up clothes to send.   Evan helps me at times and just like so many things in our lives it is bittersweet.  I am sad when I look at the clothes Sawyer will never wear.  I am happy that they are being worn by our nephew.   And, I hope that the clothes will continue to be passed along – I just wish they stayed at our house a little longer.

Note:  I know that I keep reusing the word Hope in the titles of my posts.  I think if I keep writing it maybe I will have more of it.  I cannot figure out why but I am struggling these days.  It is not Jake or Sawyer’s birthdays or anniversaries of their deaths.  In fact, I was just telling myself that this time of year is so much easier than the time of year (from August on) filled with birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. 

It could be that the twins just finished another year of preschool.  They are growing up so quickly and their brothers are not.  Or, maybe when I looked at our wedding pictures on our anniversary I saw the me before burying 2 children.  The me who did not have trouble sleeping, the me who was not drawn to the plot in the cemetery, the me who was so hopeful for the family that Evan and I were beginning.  Whatever, the reason I will continue to try to hope and if all else fails I will just act hopeful.

Hope, Hair and Happiness

May 28, 2011 at 11:41 am | Posted in Grief, mother, silver lining | 7 Comments
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After Jake died I did not brush my hair. I did not change my clothes. I did not shower. I am not sure how many days I went on like this but it was quite a few. Finally, some friends strongly encouraged me to make a hair cut appointment. I am pretty sure someone ended up making the appointment for me. And, driving me to the salon. I remember feeling better after the appointment. Thank you to my friends who had the good sense to have a hygiene and hair intervention.

Throughout my life I try to volunteer. The week after Jake died Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. After Sawyer died the earthquake devastated Haiti. I wish I had the emotional and physical energy to donate my time to both of these causes. However, when I  have not had the energy or the time I have donated my hair.  Especially after talking to my mother-in-law about losing her hair I realized how important it is to have the option to wear a wig.

This week I donated my hair for the 3rd time to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths.  Here is my crazy long hair before:

I donated 9 inches of hair:

Here is my hair after:

It takes 6 donations to make one wig.  So I have officially donated 1/2 a wig.

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