Hand-me-downs and Hope

May 30, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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We are extremely fortunate that the twins are the recipients of hand-me-downs from our niece, nephew and a few close friends.  As the twins outgrow the clothes I put them into buckets marked with the sizes.  I then bring the buckets to our basement.  For a few years the clothes sat down in our basement with the hopes that we would have a younger sibling for the twins.

After we had Sawyer and he was safely home from the hospital I went down to the basement.  I brought up all the boy clothes from 0 to 12 months.  I washed them and put them away in his room.  In the almost 6 weeks that he was alive Sawyer wore some of the very kind gifts given to him when he was born and hand-me-downs.

Within the first few days after he died I went into his room and started to put away the clothes.  A few family members were with me.  One suggested that we send all the clothes to my brother and sister-in-law who were expecting a boy in a few months.  It sounded like a good idea to me.  However, Evan who usually stays out of the crazy clothes storing business strongly disagreed.  He was not ready for the clothes to leave our house.  The clothes went back to the basement.

Awhile later I spoke to Evan and we agreed to send some of the clothes to our new nephew.  And now every few months I go down to the basement and pack up clothes to send.   Evan helps me at times and just like so many things in our lives it is bittersweet.  I am sad when I look at the clothes Sawyer will never wear.  I am happy that they are being worn by our nephew.   And, I hope that the clothes will continue to be passed along – I just wish they stayed at our house a little longer.

Note:  I know that I keep reusing the word Hope in the titles of my posts.  I think if I keep writing it maybe I will have more of it.  I cannot figure out why but I am struggling these days.  It is not Jake or Sawyer’s birthdays or anniversaries of their deaths.  In fact, I was just telling myself that this time of year is so much easier than the time of year (from August on) filled with birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. 

It could be that the twins just finished another year of preschool.  They are growing up so quickly and their brothers are not.  Or, maybe when I looked at our wedding pictures on our anniversary I saw the me before burying 2 children.  The me who did not have trouble sleeping, the me who was not drawn to the plot in the cemetery, the me who was so hopeful for the family that Evan and I were beginning.  Whatever, the reason I will continue to try to hope and if all else fails I will just act hopeful.


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  1. Oh Lanie – I am so sorry things are so tough for you right now. I’m sending you lots of love, prayers and hope. xo xo

  2. I too am sorry that you are struggling. I am glad you let us know. I will be praying for you friend and sending my love.

  3. My dear friend, I’m so sorry things are hard. I wish I could make it easier for you somehow. I have much ‘hope’ for you and your family as I know how much love you have in your heart, and I see how much love you all have for each other.

    Be good to yourself my dear. Sending you lots of love, Amy

  4. I am so grateful that you share your struggle with those who love you. Please remember that so many of us are hear for you. Love you and your family very much and my prayers are with all of you.

  5. Lanie,
    “Whatever, the reason I will continue to try to hope and if all else fails I will just act hopeful.” This statement is so “on the money”. When we act a certain way, we become that way. Keep acting hopeful and you will become hopeful; it is a self fulfilling prophecy. I keep acting happy and hopeful and there are days (sometimes just for a few moments) when I AM happy and hopeful. That is all we can do and that is enough.


  6. Dear Lanie –
    You’ve hit on one more truth about us humans: difficulties, sadness, feelings of loss can come over us without warning and at any time. I think, you’re right that the conclusion of another year in the twins’ schooling could have been the trigger but your resolve to look for hopeful things is the right response. After all, think of the many wonderful things Alyssa and Fletcher have to look forward to and accomplish. May you all enjoy them together!
    Love, Cornelia

  7. I don’t think a person can ever have too much hope. For themselves, or for others.

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