99!!
August 30, 2011 at 11:51 am | Posted in silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: grandparents, gratitude, happy, life after loss
August is a bittersweet rollercoaster for me. Luckily, it always ends with a happy day. My grandfather’s birthday. He is 99!! I just want to wish him a very happy birthday.
A Person is a Person
August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, parenthood
“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss
Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs. Not a big guy but a fighter. According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.
According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago. The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar. Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle. We said the mourner’s kaddish. After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it. Perhaps it is because I am usually crying. Perhaps it is a mental block. Whatever. We thought about Jake.
I will light another candle for Jake in a few days. I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries. I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.
Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.
Note: The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .
August & Awkward Appointments (part 2)
August 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, pregnancy, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer
As I wrote about previously in this post, doctor’s appointments can at times be awkward. I am not a big fan of the forms that you have to fill out about your medical history. I understand why they are necessary but I truly dislike listing the birth and death dates of Jake and Sawyer. The OB forms do not even have enough lines for me to write all of the complications before and after pregnancy that we have had. I am sure one day these forms will not bother me but today they do.
The twins had their 4-year-old check up today. A new nurse came to get us from the waiting room. As she brought us into the room she asked me, “Are you expecting company?” I looked at the twins and Evan and thought to myself, “how many more people can we fit in this tiny exam room?” And, who else would I be expecting? Then the nurse looked at my stomach and repeated the question. My quizzical look turned to horror. Really, is she really asking me if I am pregnant? Yes, she did.
That question is emotion-packed. The times when I answered yes to that question – thoughts of being pregnant with Jake, the twins and Sawyer. The realization that my stomach apparently still has a pregnancy pouch. Or, maybe I just made an unfortunate outfit choice.
The nurse was reading over our medical charts as my mind was still racing. I could see in her eyes that she had just read about Sawyer, Jake or maybe both. She looked at me and apologizes.
Overall the day was a success. One outfit for Good Will. Two healthy twins. Three weeks down in August. Four beautiful children.
Just Jake
August 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, mourning, parents, silver lining | 21 CommentsTags: death, grief, happy, Jake, life after loss, parenthood
Dear Jake,
I cannot believe that you would have been 6 years old today. In some ways it seems like so long ago since I held you and in some ways it feels like last week. I have so much to thank you for and I do not think I have ever told you.
First, I would like to thank you for choosing us to be your parents. I remember running downstairs after taking the pregnancy test and seeing the positive result. I could not wait to tell your dad. I was completely filled with joy. I have not been truly happy since that day. Do not take this the wrong way, I have been happy. It is just a different kind of happy and it is often bittersweet. That wonderful March day I was just so blissfully unaware of the tragedies that life could and would bring.
Second, you made me understand how short and precious life really is. You showed me in your brief time with me how pure and simple love can be.
Lastly (at least for now), I want to thank you for the strength you have given me. It is difficult for me to explain but the night your youngest brother Sawyer died you are who was with me. In the emergency room, you are the one who held me up in the hallway. I am sure without you I would not have been able to stand let alone walk. I kept telling myself if I could live in a world without you, I could and would somehow find a way to live without Sawyer.
I wish that we were having a birthday party with you today. We are not. Perhaps you are having a cosmic celebration with your little brother, your Mom Mom and your great-grandmother. Whatever you are doing please know how much I love and miss you.
August Attire?
August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, happy, hope, life after loss, parenthood, twins
It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October. Halloween to be specific. The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.
The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken. Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.
It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months. I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.
“One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb
Cosmic Connections & Kindness
August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 CommentsTags: grandparents, gratitude, hope, Jewish customs
Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house. They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it). Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died. It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.
Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies. The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake). There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave. I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.
This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend. In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins). I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there. In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.
Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave. Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite. Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”
The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass. Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away. The grass had become extremely over grown. I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.
The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer. He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone. He did not want me to be surprised.
Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.
Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain
Time Can be Tricky (part 3)
July 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death, hope, life after loss
I have written about time in this post and this one, and I am once again questioning how it can possibly be August in 2 days. August is filled with bittersweet birthdays and anniversaries. It comes every year. I know it is right after July but somehow this year it snuck up on me. I feel like summer just began and snap it is almost August.
It will be ok. We will get through this time of year just like we have in the past. There are just ups and downs. I will try to focus on the good days but I know there will be hard days ahead.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. . . Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter
Happily Ever After & Hope (part 2)
July 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, hope, life after loss
It was so nice to write such a happy post last week. Life has ups and downs and I know that without the bad times it is hard to appreciate the good times. I recently read about the concept of “nexting” – always thinking about is going to happen next. So I am trying very hard to appreciate the good moments right now:
After Sawyer died someone said to me that Evan and I will never live happily ever after. It was not said with with cruel intentions. It was an honest statement that that after burying a child (or children) life is bittersweet.
We may not have lived happily ever after even if Jake and Sawyer had lived. And there is no alternate universe in which I can find out. Life, marriage and kids are hard at times even if you are not a bereaved parent. I am hoping that good times continue and when they do not maybe the bad times will not be quite as bad. In the meantime, I will go watch the twins dance the robot:
And, I am going to confess to “nexting” because the twins and I are going to the beach soon. They are so excited to go see their Aunt, Uncle and cousin!
Super Star
July 10, 2011 at 12:38 am | Posted in hospital, silver lining | 12 CommentsTags: happy, hernia, life after loss, twins
Our little super star was such a good sport. He happily played while waiting for his surgery.
He was not able to eat or drink that morning. I dreaded him asking for something and not being able to give it to him. Luckily, he was so busy playing with his cars that he only asked once. I responded by handing him more cars.
Evan and I could hear him chatting as the nurses and surgeon wheeled him away down the hall. We waited in his room.
He was brought back to us from the recovery room. He was in and out of sleep.
When he did wake up the first thing he asked for was his car. The second thing he asked for was more cars. However, he did not turn down the apple juice or popsicle the nurse offered him.
And before we knew it our super star, his blue tongue, Lightening McQueen and all the other cars were happily on our way home.
Thank you all so much for sending positive thoughts, good wishes and love!
My Real World
June 22, 2011 at 11:02 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
“Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony;
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
– Albert Einstein
Some mornings I wake up and have to remind myself of my reality. Is it true I have out lived 2 of our children? Was Jake really born 14 weeks early? Was Sawyer just a brief wonderful figment of my imagination? After the morning fog clears I know with unnerving certainty that they are both dead and I am alive.
People tell me (and I remind myself) how lucky I am to have the twins. Which of your children would you live without? Why can I not wake up in the morning with all 4 of my children?
I get up and face the day. I try my best to focus on my simplicity, my harmony and my opportunity:
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