Boy with the dragon tattoo & his sister
July 26, 2012 at 10:57 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, life lessons, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, Charlie Brown, Growing Up, parenthood, quotes, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Thank you for all the well wishes. The cast has not slowed him down one bit.
Here he is with his toy green teeth chasing the girl with the butterfly tattoo around the house.
Ok, the cast did eventually tire him out. . .
Blue casts can really weigh a boy down
Now that he stopped chasing her she was free to accessorize a bit more.
Tattoo, a Crown & a Ring
What could be better?
They are making the most out of their last days as 4 year olds. She caught me off guard yesterday when she asked, “Will you take us to go see Sawyer and Jake for our birthday?”
“Yes, sure. Why?’ I responded while trying to figure out what happened that made a visit to the cemetery pop into her toddler brain.
“I love them. You don’t take us to see them often enough.”
She is right. I have not taken them to see Sawyer and Jake since the spring when she carefully arranged stones for her brothers. Over the past 5 years Evan and I have made the decisions about when and when not to bring the twins to the cemetery. Now that they have their own opinions I did not imagine we would be discussing trips to the cemetery.
“In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.” – – Charlie Brown
Kindness
July 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, MISS Foundation, new not so normal, perspective, quotes
I, along with the rest of the world, do not understand the horror that took place last week in Colorado. There are no words which seem adequate for such a tragedy. The families left behind have a devastating hole in their lives and way too many unanswered questions. Life is not fair. However, a few things I read gave me some hope:
1. An article about the “Tales of Heroism. . .”. “Even as a masked gunman kept firing a hailstorm of bullets in a Colorado movie theater, acts of selflessness and heroism sprouted from all across the room. Three of the 12 people killed died while shielding their girlfriends from the gunfire. And a young woman risked her life to aid her wounded friend, refusing to leave her side.”
2. My friend Kelcey over at Mama Bird Diaries focused on the helpers in the tragedy. Kelcey posted the following quote she found through Ann Imig.
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” -Fred Rogers
There is so much darkness in the world that sometimes it is hard to see the light. But light, hope and rainbows are there, just some days you have to look much harder than others.
More kindness. The MISS Foundation’s Dr. Joanne Cacciatore started the Kindness Project in 1996 as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death. Since then, more than 1,000,000 kindnesses have been committed around the globe in memory of children, gone too soon.
Anyone can participate in memory of anyone!
Here’s what you do:
Visit the MISS Foundation’s International Kindness Project Day website:
www.KindnessProjectDay.org
The boy with the dragon tattoo (and the blue cast)
July 22, 2012 at 8:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, normal? | 8 CommentsTags: motherhood, parenthood, perspective, twins
Thursday I was at work and saw that I missed a call from the twin’s camp. One of the twins had fallen. If I had placed a bet it would have been on her. Her mind has always raced far ahead of her body which often causes her to fall. However, I was wrong.
Here he is before getting an x-ray. If you look very closely at his hand you can see that it has a dragon tattoo. Well at least most of a dragon tattoo. Putting on those temporary tattoos in not one of my strong points. They somehow are always missing part of the tattoo – in this case it is a dragon body with not so much of a dragon head.
The x-ray showed a small fracture. Now the headless dragon is covered up by a blue cast. . .
Wonder what the dragon will look like in few weeks?
Odd but Ok
July 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, quotes, Sawyer, unexplainable
Ever since Sawyer’s unveiling I have been watching the earth move farther and farther away from Jake and Sawyer’s headstone. Ground settles. No big deal. I kept checking. I thought about bringing some dirt and trying to fill it in. Stones started to fall into the crack. The split grew larger and larger. I decided to ask about it. I went to the office at the cemetery. The groundskeeper explained to me that a combination of ground settling and rain can cause headstones to sink. Not what I wanted to hear. He asked if I could show him the headstone and then he could determine the best course of action. Great. Action is good. In fact, fix it right now, please.
We drove out to Jake and Sawyer. I showed him the crack. He told me that they would lift up the marble and pack it down with more dirt. Ok. I asked, “Can we do that right now? ” He replied that he would put in a work order but it would not get done for a week or 2. I thought about it. Ok. Jake and Sawyer are not going anywhere. There is no urgency. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was actually taking care of something for them. I will never give them a bath, brush their hair or help them get dressed. Oddly, I felt good about placing the work order to fix the crack between the earth and the headstone.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme,
and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
Sibling Rivalry?
July 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, parenthood, perspective, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
On any given day our twins will be arguing over who is “bigger”. She is 3-4 inches taller. He is 1 minute older. I have explained these facts over and over again. So technically they are both right. However, in their 4-year-old (almost 5) minds this is not a satisfactory solution. I am not sure why but I continue to feel the need to unsuccessfully rationalize with them. Sibling rivalry at its finest.
The other day I was driving. The twins were in their seats in the back. It had not been a particularly good day. There had been arguing between the 2 of them. There had been time outs (or as it is known in our house, “the zone”). All seemed to have calmed down as I drove along until the question was asked. I have always known this question would be asked one day but somehow I was not prepared.
“Do you love Jake and Sawyer more?”
Silence.
“Mama, who do you love the most?”
More silence.
I realized that if I did not answer quickly this line of questioning would continue possibly forever. In case you did not know, 4 almost 5-year-olds can be very persistent.
“I love you all the same. I just miss Jake and Sawyer more. I can not hug them the way I hug you both.”
Avery’s Bucket List
July 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm | Posted in after death?, life after loss, Love, normal? | 2 CommentsTags: Avery's Bucket List, child loss, death of a baby, hope, parenthood, Spinal Muscular Atrophy, ways to honor the memory of your child
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
I recently stumbled upon Avery’s Bucket List. It is a blog by Avery’s parents. Avery was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Her parents decided to create a bucket list for Avery and spread the word about SMA.
According to FightSMA.org, SMA is a genetic disorder which ” refers to a group of diseases which affect the motor neurons of the spinal cord and brain stem. These critically important cells are responsible for supplying electrical and chemical messages to muscle cells. Without the proper input from the motor neurons, muscle cells can not function properly. The muscle cells will, therefore, become much smaller (atrophy) and will produce symptoms of muscle weakness.”
Throwing the first pitch at a baseball game, have a bad hair day and party like a rockstar are just a few of the items Avery crossed off her bucket list before she died. Avery’s parents have continued her bucket list. Every day she is continuing to raise awareness and funding for a cure for SMA.
What is on your bucket list?
Molly Bears and Mixed Blessings
June 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining, Time, twins | 6 CommentsTags: Aching arms, bereaved parents, Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, Molly Bears, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
Mixed Blessings:
The twins have finished another year of preschool. This is what I want. I want them to be healthy. They should grow up, unlike their brothers who are frozen in time. So why do I have such mixed emotions as yet another year flies by? There is so much to look forward to as the twins get older. Is it the fact that there is nothing to look forward to for Jake and Sawyer? Or, is it because the twins might be leaving preschool behind and starting kindergarten?
Which brings me to reason #2 I am a mixed-up mom at the moment. The twins’ birthday is 8 days before school here starts. They will be among the youngest in their class. Many of the neighborhood children who I thought would be starting kindergarten with them are going to another year of preschool (or pre kindergarten). Evan and I have a few options for the twins. Whatever we decide will work for our family. In the meantime, I will keep repeating the words of my therapist or Buddha (or maybe both. . .) “everything is exactly the way it should be right now.”
Molly Christine died at 34 weeks, on May 30th 2010. A high school friend gave her parents a weighted teddy bear. Molly’s mom added rice to the bear so that it was the exact weight of Molly at her time of death/birth. While nothing will replace Molly it helped her mother to hold the teddy bear. Her mother began to make Molly Bears for other bereaved parents. They have received over a thousand orders and so far have created hundreds of bears. Molly Bears are now with families in all 50 states and 13 countries.
Evan and I ordered bears for Jake and Sawyer. We are looking forward to holding them in our arms.
Right Where I am: 6 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 2 years, 5 months and 2 weeks
June 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 11 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, Jake, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins
I am joining still life with circles for right where I am. Angie started this project last year. She asked other bereaved parents to write about where they were in their grief.
Am I 6 years, 9 months, 2 weeks from the last time I held Jake? Or, 2 years, 5 months and 2 weeks from the last time I saw Sawyer alive? (or I suppose it could even be the 2 or so months since the miscarriage). To be honest, I do not know where I am except right here.
I no longer cry every day. However, there is not a day which goes by that I do not think of them. Now I am answering bittersweet questions and telling their brother and sister about them.
My arms no longer constantly ache to hold them. However, the moments when they do ache are still so sharp and real. I hug their siblings just a bit tighter.
I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer without the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. However, the sadness and lost dreams are still there. Now they are part of me.
Just like the early days of this journey of grief I take it all one day at a time. I breathe. I put one foot in front of the other. I stay really busy. I try to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be. I do not always succeed. Sometimes I cry and the days are dark. I try to hope. I look for rainbows. I love and miss my 2 little boys. I live.
Miscarriage
May 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, pregnancy | 18 CommentsTags: bed rest, child loss, death of a baby, grief, hope, miscarriage, mom, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, Sad
The doctor who told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage put me on bed rest for a few days. Bed rest for me equals time where my thoughts can take over any rational part of my brain and run wild. Bed rest means that I can not resort to my usual defense of keeping so busy that I do not have time to think.
I cried on the couch as I watched the twins play. I was so lucky that my mom was able to come to town. I told her that she did not need to come. I knew by the time I spoke to her that no amount of bed rest was going to help. She said she wanted to come anyway. I did not argue.
I thought writing about it in my last post would somehow help. I reread my post and it turns out that I did not actually write what happened. So here it is, I had a miscarriage.
I will be fine. I will continue to get up and live just as I have every day, week, month and now years since Jake and Sawyer have died.
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