Telling the Twins
March 26, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: cancer, death, grief, twins
We did not have too much time to figure out how to tell the twins that Sawyer died. I went with whatever came out of my mouth first. Evan and I did have some time to figure out what we would tell the twins when Evan’s mom died. Below are some options that we could have told the twins when talking to the twins about Jake, Sawyer and Evan’s mom:
- We lost Jake. We lost Sawyer. We lost Mom Mom. They are not lost. I knew where Jake and Sawyer were every minute they were alive. I know where they are now that they have died. On a separate point, if they were lost – I would have found them by now (if I had not found them, some one should report me to family services and/or the police).
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom went to sleep. We all go to sleep. Some of us take longer to go to sleep than others. No need to make going to sleep scary for the twins.
- Jake was sick. Sawyer was sick. Mom Mom was sick. Jake was premature. We still do not know what happened to Sawyer. Mom Mom had cancer. We did tell the twins that Mom Mom was sick and the medicine she took no longer worked.
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom passed away. I used this option quite a bit when Jake first died. However, when I spoke to the twins about death – “passed away” did not seem quite right anymore.
We told the twins that Mom Mom died. We told them that she had been sick for a long time. The medicine no longer worked. They both looked at us. Our daughter asked, “Where is Mom Mom?” Before either of us could answer, she said, “Oh, I know Mom Mom is with Sawyer and Jake.” Evan and I could not have given them a more perfect answer.
Buddha’s Stories & Stomach Bugs
March 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 9 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief
I have been having trouble writing. In fact, I have had trouble concentrating on anything at all. I know this is partly because I cannot seem to get the twins back on a normal schedule. I do not know if they are off because we have been away, daylight savings time or a stomach bug. Regardless of the reason, there have been some bumpy days (and nights) at our house.
In one of my attempts to avoid the meltdowns of 2 cranky 3 year olds I grabbed a book. It turned out to be the Kindness A Treasury of Buddhist Wisdom for Children and Parents by Sarah Conover. We were sent many books after Jake and then after Sawyer died. At the time I could not read most of those books. However, the other afternoon I found myself reading these short stories to the twins. One of the stories was about a woman named Kisa Gotami. The following is a cliff notes version of the story:
After losing her only child, Kisa Gotami became desperate and asked if anyone could help her. Her sorrow was so great that many thought she had already lost her mind. Someone told her to find Buddha. Buddha told her that before he could bring the child back to life, she should find mustard seeds from a family where no one had died. She desperately went from house to house, but to her disappointment, she could not find a house that had not suffered the death of a family member.
Kisa returned to speak with Buddha and he asked for the mustard seed. Kisa replied, “I am done looking for the mustard seed. I know that in the whole city, in the whole world, there is not one family, not one person, free from the certainty of death. It is the way of all living things – we must at some time leave one another.”
Kisa went on to say, “I felt terribly alone in my grief, but now I know that there are many others who have lost what they most cherished. We must help each other.”
Buddha helped Kisa come to terms with bereavement. He taught her compassion. I do not know that I will ever understand why Jake and Sawyer predeceased me or why Evan’s mom died so young. Maybe it is so that I will learn to be more compassionate. Maybe it is so that I will help others. Maybe I will never know.
I do know that I will keep reading this book. Who knows, Buddha could have some wisdom to share about bumpy days/nights and stomach bugs.
So sad
March 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, mourning | 17 CommentsTags: cancer, death, grief, hospice, mom
I have tried to write this post several times in the last week. I cannot seem to find the words but I am going to try.
Evan’s mother lost her battle with cancer. I was very lucky to have her as a mother-in-law.
She was an amazing artist.
She was an amazing business woman.
She was an amazing athlete. In one 9 month period, right after chemo for the cancer which had returned to her bones, she had 3 holes in one.
And most importantly, she was an amazing mother, grandmother, wife, sister and friend. I am so sad that she died.
A few weeks ago Evan and I were talking. He told me that in a perfect world his mom would be healthy, happy and teaching art to all 4 of our children. Here she is playing with the twins last summer:
I like to think that Evan’s mom is now with Jake and Sawyer. Maybe, just maybe she is teaching art to them as I write.
Rainbows, Rite Aid & Readjusting
March 1, 2011 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: cancer, grief, hospice, mom
It takes both the sun and the rain to make a beautiful rainbow.
These last few days it is difficult to see the sun. As I mentioned in this post, we are spending time with Evan’s mom. The good moments are fewer and farther apart. I know that life has sun and rain. I so wish I could write more about sunny times. Even through the rain the twins can find the sun. Here they are at Rite Aid:
The twins can also scout out the rainbows.
They spent a long time searching for rainbows in these crystal figurines. Turns out flashlights combined with just the right amount of sunlight produce a lot of rainbows.
The oil slick in the parking lot of Rite Aid. I could have debated it is not truly a rainbow but pollution. I did not because I have learned that I usually lose those kind of debates with our 3 1/2 year-olds.
The rainbow glasses at Mom Mom and Pop Pop’s house.
I have always hoped for miracles.
After Jake was born at 26 weeks with hydrops, I hoped he would be among the 30% of babies who survive these enormous obstacles. There was no miracle.
The horrible night we brought Sawyer to the emergency room, I hoped for the miracle that it would all be an awful mistake. There was no miracle.
I now know that there will be no miracle that will give Evan’s mom back the life she had. It is time for me to readjust what I am hoping for.
More Magic Moments
February 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mother, silver lining | 15 CommentsTags: cancer, grief, hospice, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer
As I wrote in this post, I try to appreciate good moments. For the past 2 weeks Evan, the twins and I have been at Evan’s mother’s house. My amazing mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 years ago. She was on a form of oral chemo through the spring of 2003. At that time the cancer came back in her bones. Since 2005 she has had chemo 3 weeks on and 1 week off. She had beaten all the odds until this year.
We are here spending time with her. It is not easy but worth it. Every day there are some good moments. A rabbi has been coming to the house. She explained a Hebrew term called “yikar.” There is no exact translation but it means “treasure” or “gem.” I try to etch these moments into my memory so that I will always have them.
I cannot help but think of precious moments we had with Jake and Sawyer. All of Jake’s time with us was in the NICU but there were some good moments. The days when Jake was doing well and reducing his reliance on the ventilators. The day that I was able to change Jake’s diaper for the first (and only) time. I always smile when I think of the one and only time Evan changed Jake. Jake peed on his dad.
We were lucky enough to have more magic moments with Sawyer. Among my favorites are bringing him home from the hospital and introducing him to the twins. Evan’s mom was not able to meet Sawyer. The weekend that they were supposed to visit was the weekend that the twins got sick. Her immune system was compromised and we could not take a chance that the twins would get her sick. The trip was postponed. Sawyer died before they were able to visit.
One day last week it was unseasonably warm. Evan’s mom was able to sit on the back deck. She was able to visit with some friends. The twins played in the snow and mud. I will try to focus on the yikar – the treasured moments that we are able to capture.
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- Making snow/mud angels
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- Making snow/mud angels
Greeters in Grief
February 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm | Posted in Grief | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, grief
There are many small things (and not so small) which help with grief. They come in all shapes and sizes. I mentioned in this post, we have 2 dogs.
Please let me introduce you to Baby:
And, this is Buddy:
Evan and I adopted Buddy and Baby during the fall of our first year of marriage. An email had come from a friend of a friend who was looking for a new home for her dogs. Baby was adopted from the Humane Society. Baby literally found Buddy. We were very lucky to have found them both (or maybe they found us).
When we first got the dogs Evan and I were always amazed at how happy Buddy and Baby were to see us when we got home. When we just went to get the mail the dogs were so excited to see us when we got back. I know that most dogs do the same thing but never the less it is a very nice way to be greeted.
During my maternity leave with(out) Jake they kept me company. Buddy and Baby sat with me while I cried. They walked many miles with me and Evan. Since having the twins, Buddy and Baby do not get as much attention. However, they do eat more people food. When the twins first started to eat solid food Buddy gained 4 pounds. I know 4 lbs. may not sound like much but it makes a huge difference on a normally 12 lb. dog.
As I left off in my last post we left the emergency room without Sawyer. We were followed home by the medical examiner and the police. Evan and I felt like the world was ending (again). As we opened the door to our house, Buddy and Baby were happy as ever to greet us.
Sawyer’s Story (part 10): The Unthinkable
February 4, 2011 at 11:12 pm | Posted in emergency room, Grief, hospital | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
We stood in the room with the ER doctor. We did not want to believe what he had just told us. How could Sawyer be dead? Just a few hours before he was alive and fine. I felt like my head would never stop spinning. Had he gotten a virus? Had he choked? Were there signs we had missed?
A medical examiner had come into the room at some point. He said he had to ask us some questions but we could go see Sawyer first. We both jumped at the chance to go to Sawyer. I just wanted to hold him. Maybe if we saw him and held him everyone would realize this was just a big horrible mistake.
As we were taken to the room where Sawyer was it was explained to us that all we could do was literally “see” him. We were not allowed to hold him. We were not allowed to kiss him. We were not even allowed to touch him.
We were brought through the door to the room in the ER that earlier I had desperately wanted to open. There was Sawyer. He was lying on this huge hospital bed. He was so small. He was so still. He had tape on his face from one of the tubes. I screamed. I just wanted to take the tape off of his face. The doctor or maybe the medical examiner said I could not remove the tape. In fact, Evan and I could not even get very close to him. I could not stop screaming. I just wanted to hold him. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I ran out of the room.
I waited for Evan in the hallway. I tried so hard not to think about the fact that it was time to feed Sawyer. I tried even harder to get the image I had just seen out of my head.
Sawyer’s Story (part 6): A normal night
January 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, parents | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
The twins woke up from their nap not long after I took this picture of Sawyer and Evan. Everyone was much calmer and happier when they woke up. The twins played. I fed Sawyer again. We all ate dinner together. The twins, Evan and I sat at the table. Sawyer was in his bouncy seat next to me. The second that Sawyer dropped his pacifier one of the twins would jump up to get it for him.
After stories, songs, more blankets and every other stalling tactic the twins could come up with Evan and I put the twins to bed . During the bedtime routines I held Sawyer when I could. If Evan and I were helping the twins Sawyer would sit in his bouncy seat.
The twins were asleep around 8 pm. Then, Sawyer and I Skyped with my parents. I fed Sawyer again. He fell asleep. I walked our dogs. Evan stayed with Sawyer and cleaned the kitchen. I called my brother while I walked the dogs. I remember telling him about my challenging day with the twins and how excited I was that we had a night nurse coming over soon.
At 10:15 pm the night nurse arrived. She had worked with the twins before but this was the first time she had met Sawyer. Evan and I went over everything about him with her. There was not too much to go over. Sawyer had some congestion since birth. He had been to the pediatrician. The doctors all said he was perfect.
In his 5 1/2 weeks he had spit up twice. He was a good eater. He ate every 3 to 4 hours. I was breast-feeding so we were not sure how exactly how many ounces Sawyer ate. That night I would pump so that I could sleep. The night nurse would give him his next feeding.
Sawyer had just gotten baby acne and the night nurse told me what to put on it. I was very excited to try her remedy – I was anxious for his baby acne to go away. I was holding him the whole time we were talking. Finally, the night nurse said, “Give Sawyer to me so that you can go get some sleep.” Evan and I kissed our baby boy. I placed Sawyer in the night nurse’s arms. If I had known this would be the last time I would hold him I would have never let him go.
In our room I pumped. Evan brought the milk to the night nurse a little after 11:00 pm. We were both asleep by 11:30 pm.
Preschool Pick up
January 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Jake, Sawyer, twins
I stood outside the twins’ preschool and waited for them to come out. Another mother looked at me and noticed my necklace. I wear a necklace with charms for each letter of my children’s names. She asked “Do you have that many children?” Not really prepared for the question, I said nothing for a while. I then surprised myself and said “Yes, I have four children.”
As I wrote in this post, answering questions about the number of children I have is not so simple for me. But, I heard myself continue to talk. “Our first son was 14 weeks premature. He lived for 2 weeks. We never got to take him home. Then we had the twins. Last year we had a full term baby boy. He went to sleep the night of December 25th, 2009 and he did not wake up. We are still hoping to find out what happened.”
I did not stop talking when I heard the other mother try to tell me that I did not need to go on. I did not cry. The twins ran out of their school and into my arms. I packed them and myself into the car. I drove us home and thought of my other 2 children buried just a few miles away.
Not long after that day I was on my street about to go jogging. Neighbors were walking by and pushing their twins in a stroller. I had not met them before and said hello. A very ordinary exchange between neighbors took place and then there was that question again. “How many children do you have?”
I took a deep breath and repeated the explanation I gave the mother at preschool pick up. Perhaps this is my new answer.
I finished telling the neighbors about my children. I told them about Jake, the twins and Sawyer.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we
don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown
Stars
December 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
One year ago tonight was the last time I held Sawyer. At 10:45 pm we kissed him good night for the last time.
There are stars above,
so far away we only see their light
long, long after the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
these are the lights that guide us.
As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.
— Author unknown
I had plans to finish Sawyer’s story but I just cannot find the words right now. I will find them another day.
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