Sawyer’s Story (part 6): A normal night

January 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, parents | 4 Comments
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The twins woke up from their nap not long after I took this picture of Sawyer and Evan.  Everyone was much calmer and happier when they woke up.  The twins played.  I fed Sawyer again.  We all ate dinner together.  The twins, Evan and I sat at the table.  Sawyer was in his bouncy seat next to me.   The second that Sawyer dropped his pacifier one of the twins would jump up to get it for him. 

After stories, songs, more blankets and every other stalling tactic the twins could come up with Evan and I put the twins to bed .  During the bedtime routines I held Sawyer when I could.  If Evan and I were helping the twins Sawyer would sit in his bouncy seat.  

The twins were asleep around 8 pm.  Then, Sawyer and I Skyped with my parents.  I fed Sawyer again.  He fell asleep.  I walked our dogs.  Evan stayed with Sawyer and cleaned the kitchen.  I called my brother while I walked the dogs.  I remember telling him about my challenging day with the twins and how excited I was that we had a night nurse coming over soon.

At 10:15 pm the night nurse arrived.  She had worked with the twins before but this was the first time she had met Sawyer.  Evan and I went over everything about him with her.  There was not too much to go over.  Sawyer had some congestion since birth.  He had been to the pediatrician.  The doctors all said he was perfect.

In his 5 1/2 weeks he had spit up twice.  He was a good eater.  He ate every 3 to 4 hours.  I was breast-feeding so we were not sure how exactly how many ounces Sawyer ate.  That night I would pump so that I could sleep.  The night nurse would give him his next feeding.

Sawyer had just gotten baby acne and the night nurse told me what to put on it.  I was very excited to try her remedy – I was anxious for his baby acne to go away.  I was holding him the whole time we were talking.  Finally, the night nurse said, “Give Sawyer to me so that you can go get some sleep.”  Evan and I kissed our baby boy.  I placed Sawyer in the night nurse’s arms.   If I had known this would be the last time I would hold him I would have never let him go.

In our room I pumped.  Evan brought the milk to the night nurse a little after 11:00 pm.  We were both asleep by 11:30 pm.


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  1. Lanie, it’s hard for me to process what that night involved. I wish we could turn back the clock. I wish I had the right words. I applaud you for working through this. This is the hardest work there is.

  2. Everything was so normal, so perfect, so right. It’s impossible to imagine that it would all go so wrong so fast.

  3. What an extraordinary way you have of getting through this, Lanie! How we all wish we didn’t have to read this but, of course, we’ve known all along that this night was coming. I agree with Amy Johnson, this is the hardest work there is.
    With much love. Cornelia

  4. […] Sawyer died we all had a bunch of […]

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