Just Jake

August 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, mourning, parents, silver lining | 21 Comments
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Dear Jake,
I cannot believe that you would have been 6 years old today.  In some ways it seems like so long ago since I held you and in some ways it feels like last week.  I have so much to thank you for and I do not think I have ever told you.

First, I would like to thank you for choosing us to be your parents.   I remember running downstairs after taking the pregnancy test and seeing the positive result.  I could not wait to tell your dad.  I was completely filled with joy.  I have not been truly happy since that day.  Do not take this the wrong way, I have been happy.  It is just a different kind of happy and it is often bittersweet.  That wonderful March day I was just so blissfully unaware of the tragedies that life could and would bring.

Second, you made me understand how short and precious life really is.  You showed me in your brief time with me how pure and simple love can be.

Lastly (at least for now), I want to thank you for the strength you have given me.  It is difficult for me to explain but the night your youngest brother Sawyer died you are who was with me.  In the emergency room, you are the one who held me up in the hallway.  I am sure without you I would not have been able to stand let alone walk.  I kept telling myself if I could live in a world without you, I could and would somehow find a way to live without Sawyer.

I wish that we were having a birthday party with you today.  We are not.  Perhaps you are having a cosmic celebration with your little brother, your Mom Mom and your great-grandmother.   Whatever you are doing please know how much I love and miss you.

August Attire?

August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October.  Halloween to be specific.  The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.

 

The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken.  Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.

It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months.  I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.

 “One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb

Cosmic Connections & Kindness

August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 Comments
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Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house.  They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it).  Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died.  It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.

Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies.  The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake).  There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave.  I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.

This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend.  In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins).  I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there.  In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.

Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave.  Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite.  Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”

The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass.  Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away.  The grass had become extremely over grown.  I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.

The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer.  He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone.  He did not want me to be surprised.

Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.

Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain

Sawyer’s Sock

August 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 Comments
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I walked back into our room the morning that Sawyer died.  In the middle of the floor was a single sock.  I had changed him out of that pair of socks before he went to sleep.

I had dropped the sock the night before.  The other sock, along with the rest of Sawyer’s and the twin’s laundry had all been washed.

I have a confession.  I carry this sock around with me.  I have had it with me since that awful day Sawyer died.  One day I lost it at the playground.  I frantically went back to search for it and luckily found it.  Today I forgot the sock.  I called home and asked Evan to make sure that I had not lost it.  He sent me the picture above of the sock in my drawer.   I forgot my wallet today too but that is a different story.

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That
myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for
grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.

Robert Fulghum

I so miss those sweet little feet  . . .

Time Can be Tricky (part 3)

July 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 4 Comments
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I have written about time in this post and this one, and I am once again questioning how it can possibly be August in 2 days.  August is filled with bittersweet birthdays and anniversaries.  It comes every year.  I know it is right after July but somehow this year it snuck up on me.  I feel like summer just began and snap it is almost August. 

It will be ok.  We will get through this time of year just like we have in the past.  There are just ups and downs.  I will try to focus on the good days but I know there will be hard days ahead. 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. . . Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Thanks to the twins

July 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, SIDS, twins | 14 Comments
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Thanks to the twins I have to get up every morning.  After Jake died, there were days I did not see the point in getting out of bed. 

Four months after Jake’s death, Evan and I spoke to a neighbor who had 2 older boys and a 3 month old baby girl who died.  As Evan and I spoke to the parents about the death of their daughter, the 2 little boys were running around us.

As we walked away from their house I thought about how I could cry all day and go on long walks.  I thought how much harder it must be for them to have to get up every day and take care of 2 other children while grieving for another.  And, if I am honest with myself I envied that they had other children at home as we walked back to our empty house.

The birth of the twins did not make me forget Jake but my life became much busier.  My grief for Jake became a part of me and helped me to (hopefully) be a better mother to the twins.

The morning after Sawyer died our house was not empty.  The twins were home waiting for us to take care of them.  I cannot compare Sawyer’s death and Jake’s death at all.  However, after Sawyer died I had to get myself together and take care of the twins.  I cried as I changed their diapers, fed them and put them to bed but I did it.

The twins have no idea how grateful I am they were born and are alive.  I tell them all the time how much I love them and how lucky I am to be their mom but I do not have the words to express how important they are to me.  I hope they do not feel the weight of my world on their little legs.

Happy Birthday!!

 

Anytime, Anywhere

July 26, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents | 6 Comments
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One of the main reasons I started to write this blog was my hope to help others with their difficult journeys.  I have already written that I do not have magic words of wisdom to heal the pain of bereaved parents.  I came across a letter written by a pediatric nurse which was published by Ann Landers.  I found it helpful so I thought I would pass it along. . .

An Open Letter to Bereaved Parents

I won’t say, “I know how you feel” — because I don’t. I’ve lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, but I’ve never lost a child. So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won’t say, “You’ll get over it” — because you never will. Life will, however, have to go on. The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine. The chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there.

I won’t say, “Your other children will be a comfort to you” — because they may not be. Many mothers I’ve talked to say that after they have lost a child, they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they’re alive and healthy, when the other child is not.

I won’t say,“Never mind, you’re young enough to have another baby” — because that won’t help. A new baby cannot replace the one you’ve lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, give you sleepless nights. But it will never replace the one you’ve lost.

Your may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don’t know what else to say. You will find out who your true friends are at this time. Many will avoid you because they can’t face you. Others will talk about the weather, the holidays and the school concert but never about your child. Never about how you are coping.

So what will I say?

I will say, “I’m here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.” I’ll cry with you if need be. I’ll talk about your loved one. We’ll laugh about the good memories. I won’t mind how long you grieve. I won’t tell you to pull yourself together.

No, I don’t know how you feel — but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And maybe you will feel comfortable with me and find your burden eased. Try me.
Written by Linda Sawley, pediatric nurse; published by Ann Landers

Beaches & Bad Questions

July 24, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 3 Comments
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I have always found the beach to be very peaceful.  However, it is not always super relaxing when you go with children.

I had to leave the last few days to go to work.  I did not plan the week this way but had to change things around because of the previous week.

I am a consultant and often go to offices where I have never met anyone before I arrive.  I taught a class where we were waiting for a few minutes for everyone to show up.  While waiting the people already there were talking about their dogs.  They asked me if I have any dogs.  Easy question.  I have 2 dogs.  I even showed pictures of the dogs with the twins.  All is well.

The last person to leave the class turns to me and says, “I do not mean to get personal but are you going to have more children?”  I thought I had completely avoided the “how many children do you have” question with the easy dog conversation.  No such luck.

After thinking for a few moments, I tell her that we already had more children.  Jake was very premature.  Sawyer was full term, went to sleep and did not wake up.  I quickly change the subject.

Later the same day, I am working with someone who is receiving texts from his daughter.  He asks if I have children.  I answer that we have twins at home.  I think this answer sounds pretty good.  And, then there it is again. . .”Do you think you will have more children?”

Sometimes I think that I should consider going into some kind of work where talking is not required.  .  .

Wrong Words

July 22, 2011 at 6:18 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 Comments
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I like to think the deaths of Jake and Sawyer have made me sensitive to grief.  However, I catch myself asking “how are you?” to bereaved people.  As soon as I say the words I want to take them back.  I know how hard that question is to answer when the world as you know it no longer exists.  I wish I had magic words to take away the pain.  I cannot think of any such words so I am borrowing the words of others. . .

Ways of helping grieving people are as limitless as your imagination.

  1. All that is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to
    say something, say, “I’m sorry” or “I care.”
  2. Offer to help with practical matters: e.g., errands, fixing food, caring for children. Say, “I’m going to the store. Do you need bread, milk, etc.? I’ll get the.” It is not helpful to say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.”
  3. Don’t be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the bereaved find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don’t feel so alone in their grief.
  4. It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Let the bereaved tell you as much as they want when they are ready. A helpful question might be, “Would you like to talk? I’ll listen.”
  5. Don’t say, “I know just how you feel.”
  6. The bereaved may ask “Why?!” It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply, “I don’t know why.”
  7. Don’t use platitudes like “Life is for the living,” or “It’s God’s will.” Explanations rarely console. It is better to say nothing.
  8. Recognize that the bereaved may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, other family members, etc. Encourage their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it.
  9. Be available to listen frequently. Most bereaved want to talk about the person who has died. Encourage them to talk about the deceased. Do not change the conversation or avoid mentioning the person’s name.
  10. Read about the various phases of grief so you can understand and help the bereaved to understand.
  11. Be patient. Don’t say, “You will get over it in time.” Mourning may take a long time. The bereaved need you to stand by them for as long as necessary. Encourage them to be patient with themselves as there is no timetable for grief.
  12. Accept whatever feelings are expressed. Do not say, “You shouldn’t feel like that.” This attitude puts pressure on the bereaved to push down their feelings. Encourage them to express their feelings — cry, hit a pillow, scream, etc.
  13. Be aware that a bereaved person’s self-esteem may be very low.
    Author unknown

Happily Ever After & Hope (part 2)

July 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It was so nice to write such a happy post last week.  Life has ups and downs and I know that without the bad times it is hard to appreciate the good times.  I recently read about the concept of “nexting” – always thinking about is going to happen next.   So I am trying very hard to appreciate the good moments right now:

After Sawyer died someone said to me that Evan and I will never live happily ever after.  It was not said with with cruel intentions.  It was an honest statement that that after burying a child (or children) life is bittersweet.

We may not have lived happily ever after even if Jake and Sawyer had lived.  And there is no alternate universe in which I can find out.  Life, marriage and kids are hard at times even if you are not a bereaved parent.  I am hoping that good times continue and when they do not maybe the bad times will not be quite as bad.  In the meantime, I will go watch the twins dance the robot:

And, I am going to confess to “nexting” because the twins and I are going to the beach soon.  They are so excited to go see their Aunt, Uncle and cousin!

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