My Real World
June 22, 2011 at 11:02 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
“Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony;
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
– Albert Einstein
Some mornings I wake up and have to remind myself of my reality. Is it true I have out lived 2 of our children? Was Jake really born 14 weeks early? Was Sawyer just a brief wonderful figment of my imagination? After the morning fog clears I know with unnerving certainty that they are both dead and I am alive.
People tell me (and I remind myself) how lucky I am to have the twins. Which of your children would you live without? Why can I not wake up in the morning with all 4 of my children?
I get up and face the day. I try my best to focus on my simplicity, my harmony and my opportunity:
Confessions
June 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm | Posted in Grief, mother, mourning, silver lining, traditions, twins | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, grandparents, hope, Jake, Sawyer, twins
When I was young I loved to travel. I would travel whenever I could for work or fun. After Jake died my desire to travel was gone. I wanted to stay home so I could visit the cemetery.
I have met a few other people while visiting the cemetery. One grandfather visits his grandson’s grave every day. He also takes care of the family plot. Year round he is out there cleaning the headstone, cutting the grass and maintaining the plot. Although I no longer go every day, I frequently want to go to the cemetery.
One day I spoke to the grandfather about visiting the cemetery. He said that it helps him to take care of the plot and visit every day. I 100% understand and relate to being drawn to the cemetery. However, I wanted to know how he felt if he ever missed a day. He is from the area and his whole family lives within a few minutes of the cemetery. He has not missed a day since his grandson died over 3 years ago. I think it is great that he has found a way to comfort himself.
I on the other hand, have family who lives out-of-state. I no longer travel often for work but I do take trips to visit family and friends. Every time I am away I stress about not being able to visit Jake and Sawyer’s grave (as I have written about before they share one plot).
When we were snowed in this past winter I did have fun playing with the twins.
However, I worried about not being able to check on my other 2 children. I know that they are not really there but I like to check on the little piece of land in the cemetery. It gives me a brief sense of being able to take care of Jake and Sawyer.
Dream
I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,
Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.
I trim the grass around his marker,
And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.
I place flowers in his vase,
And dream of placing kisses on his check.
I hold his memory dear to my heart,
And dream of holding him in my arms.
Author unknown
I know that frequent visits to the cemetery might sound morbid to some people. Just like with birthdays I do not think there are any rules in this area. We all find comfort in different ways. The path in the journey of grief varies – even if you are grieving the same person (or people). Visit or do not visit the cemetery. Do what ever helps you at the time.
Happily Ever After and Hope
June 2, 2011 at 11:11 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 5 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, hope, twins
Thank you so much for all the extremely kind and wise comments on my last post. I did not mean to sound more out of sorts than usual. Nothing significant has changed. Jake has still been dead for 5 years and 9 months. Sawyer has still been dead for 18 months. I have many good things in my life – for which I am very grateful and happy. I just always believed my life would have a “happily ever after” ending which did not include burying 2 children.
Now I need to adjust my expectations. I have done this before and I am sure that I will again. For now I am going to try to be like Jimmy Buffett and “. . . live happily ever after, every now and then.”
Hand-me-downs and Hope
May 30, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, hope, Jake, Sawyer, twins
We are extremely fortunate that the twins are the recipients of hand-me-downs from our niece, nephew and a few close friends. As the twins outgrow the clothes I put them into buckets marked with the sizes. I then bring the buckets to our basement. For a few years the clothes sat down in our basement with the hopes that we would have a younger sibling for the twins.
After we had Sawyer and he was safely home from the hospital I went down to the basement. I brought up all the boy clothes from 0 to 12 months. I washed them and put them away in his room. In the almost 6 weeks that he was alive Sawyer wore some of the very kind gifts given to him when he was born and hand-me-downs.
Within the first few days after he died I went into his room and started to put away the clothes. A few family members were with me. One suggested that we send all the clothes to my brother and sister-in-law who were expecting a boy in a few months. It sounded like a good idea to me. However, Evan who usually stays out of the crazy clothes storing business strongly disagreed. He was not ready for the clothes to leave our house. The clothes went back to the basement.
Awhile later I spoke to Evan and we agreed to send some of the clothes to our new nephew. And now every few months I go down to the basement and pack up clothes to send. Evan helps me at times and just like so many things in our lives it is bittersweet. I am sad when I look at the clothes Sawyer will never wear. I am happy that they are being worn by our nephew. And, I hope that the clothes will continue to be passed along – I just wish they stayed at our house a little longer.
Note: I know that I keep reusing the word Hope in the titles of my posts. I think if I keep writing it maybe I will have more of it. I cannot figure out why but I am struggling these days. It is not Jake or Sawyer’s birthdays or anniversaries of their deaths. In fact, I was just telling myself that this time of year is so much easier than the time of year (from August on) filled with birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.
It could be that the twins just finished another year of preschool. They are growing up so quickly and their brothers are not. Or, maybe when I looked at our wedding pictures on our anniversary I saw the me before burying 2 children. The me who did not have trouble sleeping, the me who was not drawn to the plot in the cemetery, the me who was so hopeful for the family that Evan and I were beginning. Whatever, the reason I will continue to try to hope and if all else fails I will just act hopeful.
Mixed Up Mother’s Day
May 8, 2011 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, traditions, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, mom, motherhood, Sawyer, twins
The definition of a mother is “a woman who has, conceives, gives birth to, or raises a child.”
I am so lucky that I woke up this morning to our two happy twins saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” to me. I am also so fortunate and grateful that I was able to call my mother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I know that there are people whose mothers, grandmothers and/or children have died. I know that this day can be challenging on many levels.
As I have written about before, I often silently tell myself to “remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.” No matter how many times I repeat this saying I cannot help but to think about past Mother’s Days. . .
Mother’s Day 2005 – I was pregnant with Jake. We spent the day with my mom and my grandmother. My brother, sister-in-law and our 10 month old nephew had the whole family over to their house. We had not been for the nuchal screening test yet. I was blissfully ignorant and happy.
Mother’s Day 2006 – I was in a no (wo)man’s land of mothers. I was a mother with no child to care for and raise. Jake had been dead for less than a year. Evan and I went to the cemetery. We planned Jake’s unveiling and hoped for the possibility that Jake would one day have a brother or a sister.
Mother’s Day 2007 – I was pregnant with the twins. I still felt like I was living in a no (wo)man’s land of motherhood. Jake had been gone for nearly 2 years. We went to the cemetery. We had gone for an OB appointment the Friday before Mother’s Day. Our OB, who was one of the few people who met Jake, said to me at the end of the appointment that I should be really happy because I was now going to have my first official Mother’s Day. I still remember how those words cut through me like a knife.
Mother’s Day 2008 – The twins were 10 months old. According to anyone’s definition I was now a mother. Jake had been dead for almost 3 years. I was happily exhausted. We visited Jake at the cemetery and spent the day with the twins.
Mother’s Day 2009 – I was pregnant with Sawyer. The twins would be 2 at the end of July. Jake would have been 4 that August. We visited Jake at the cemetery and spent the day with the twins.
Mother’s Day 2010 – Sawyer had been dead 4 1/2 months. The twins were almost 3. Jake would have been 5. We visited Jake and Sawyer at the cemetery. I cried most of the day and tried to play with the twins.
Today we went to the cemetery. One of the twins left a toy for her brothers. She said she was leaving the toy to make Jake and Sawyer happy. As I sit here and write I think she makes me happy. So do all three of her brothers.
Why I Write
April 20, 2011 at 11:46 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
I wrote on the About page that I began this blog to hopefully assist others on their journeys and to continue the purpose of Jake and Sawyer’s lives. Now that I have been writing for some time my purpose has become a little more clear.
Not many people met Sawyer and even fewer met Jake. I feel like in writing about our two baby boys more people are able to “meet” them. I never want them to be forgotten. I do not have to speak about them all the time. I do not feel like I am keeping a wound open by writing about them. Rather, I want to share their stories. I want the twins to know their brothers. I do not want to forget the details.
I am still not so clear on some of the other purposes I have for writing. Maybe one day I will start a non-profit. I have great admiration for bereaved parents who are very active in the March of Dimes and for these parents:
Friends of Maddie
Hailey’s Hope Foundation
Simon’s Fund
Cora’s Hopes and Dreams
Maybe one of the twins will grow up to be a real doctor. Maybe one will find a cure for the cause of Jake and/or Sawyer’s death.
Or maybe someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier. If nothing else I am going to keep writing to help myself. Sawyer and Jake are dead. I am alive and I must keep on living.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on. ~Robert Frost
Telling the Twins part 2
April 4, 2011 at 1:14 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: death, life after loss, twins
Evan and I have tried our best to explain to the twins that Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom are dead. It is hard to tell what actually is going on in their 3 1/2 year-old minds. However, every once in a while they give us some insight into what they are comprehending. The other week they came home from school and announced that one of their teachers had died.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
They both answered, “Yes, she was not at school today or last day (yesterday). She died.”
I quickly tried to reassure them, “She is probably on vacation or home sick.” They both look as if a light bulb just went off in their little minds.
They both happily clarify, “Yes, that is it. She got sick and then she died.”
You will all be happy to know that their preschool teacher is alive and well. She went to a wedding and is back at school. Evan and I clearly have some more explaining about death to do. . .
In my next attempt I am going to tell them the following story:
Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.”Look!” said one of the water bugs to another. “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went….Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…
“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”
“We promise”, they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…
“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air…….
Waterbug 1
Waterbug 2
Telling the Twins
March 26, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: cancer, death, grief, twins
We did not have too much time to figure out how to tell the twins that Sawyer died. I went with whatever came out of my mouth first. Evan and I did have some time to figure out what we would tell the twins when Evan’s mom died. Below are some options that we could have told the twins when talking to the twins about Jake, Sawyer and Evan’s mom:
- We lost Jake. We lost Sawyer. We lost Mom Mom. They are not lost. I knew where Jake and Sawyer were every minute they were alive. I know where they are now that they have died. On a separate point, if they were lost – I would have found them by now (if I had not found them, some one should report me to family services and/or the police).
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom went to sleep. We all go to sleep. Some of us take longer to go to sleep than others. No need to make going to sleep scary for the twins.
- Jake was sick. Sawyer was sick. Mom Mom was sick. Jake was premature. We still do not know what happened to Sawyer. Mom Mom had cancer. We did tell the twins that Mom Mom was sick and the medicine she took no longer worked.
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom passed away. I used this option quite a bit when Jake first died. However, when I spoke to the twins about death – “passed away” did not seem quite right anymore.
We told the twins that Mom Mom died. We told them that she had been sick for a long time. The medicine no longer worked. They both looked at us. Our daughter asked, “Where is Mom Mom?” Before either of us could answer, she said, “Oh, I know Mom Mom is with Sawyer and Jake.” Evan and I could not have given them a more perfect answer.
Sawyer’s Story (part 8): The Ambulance
January 26, 2011 at 6:50 pm | Posted in Death, emergency room, Grief | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, Sawyer, twins
I felt like I was moving in slow motion as the ambulance drove the 3 miles to children’s hospital. I kept trying see what was happening to Sawyer. I could not see very much because there were so many paramedics in the back. I asked the driver many times if my baby was ok. Every time I asked he would respond, “I really can’t say ma’am. Just calm down.” Inside I was screaming. How could I possibly calm down? And, who was this “ma’am?”
It did not help matters that the ambulance driver went down the road with the bridge that was out. The bridge had been out for months because of all the rain we had in the fall of 2009. I thought that maybe the ambulance driver knew something I did not and emergency vehicles could go over the bridge. I was wrong. The bridge was out for all vehicles including Sawyer’s ambulance. The driver turned around at the bridge. He then asked me for directions to the hospital.
We finally arrived at the children’s hospital emergency room. I had been there twice before. One time for each of the twins. Those times we went in through the regular entrance. Each time the twin was fine and we all left through the same entrance.
Sawyer was rushed into the ER through the ambulance entrance. I ran down the hall following Sawyer. He was whisked into a room. The door closed. I was not allowed in. I just stood in the hallway and cried.
I tried my best to rationalize what I had seen in the back of the ambulance. I had seen Sawyer’s EKG. It was a flat line.
“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown
Preschool Pick up
January 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Jake, Sawyer, twins
I stood outside the twins’ preschool and waited for them to come out. Another mother looked at me and noticed my necklace. I wear a necklace with charms for each letter of my children’s names. She asked “Do you have that many children?” Not really prepared for the question, I said nothing for a while. I then surprised myself and said “Yes, I have four children.”
As I wrote in this post, answering questions about the number of children I have is not so simple for me. But, I heard myself continue to talk. “Our first son was 14 weeks premature. He lived for 2 weeks. We never got to take him home. Then we had the twins. Last year we had a full term baby boy. He went to sleep the night of December 25th, 2009 and he did not wake up. We are still hoping to find out what happened.”
I did not stop talking when I heard the other mother try to tell me that I did not need to go on. I did not cry. The twins ran out of their school and into my arms. I packed them and myself into the car. I drove us home and thought of my other 2 children buried just a few miles away.
Not long after that day I was on my street about to go jogging. Neighbors were walking by and pushing their twins in a stroller. I had not met them before and said hello. A very ordinary exchange between neighbors took place and then there was that question again. “How many children do you have?”
I took a deep breath and repeated the explanation I gave the mother at preschool pick up. Perhaps this is my new answer.
I finished telling the neighbors about my children. I told them about Jake, the twins and Sawyer.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we
don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown
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