June 10, 2011 at 1:23 pm | Posted in Grief, mother, mourning, silver lining, traditions, twins | 5 Comments
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When I was young I loved to travel.  I would travel whenever I could for work or fun.  After Jake died my desire to travel was gone.  I wanted to stay home so I could visit the cemetery

I have met a few other people while visiting the cemetery.  One grandfather visits his grandson’s grave every day.  He also takes care of the family plot.  Year round he is out there cleaning the headstone, cutting the grass and maintaining the plot.  Although I no longer go every day, I frequently want to go to the cemetery. 

One day I spoke to the grandfather about visiting the cemetery.  He said that it helps him to take care of the plot and visit every day.  I 100% understand and relate to being drawn to the cemetery.  However,  I wanted to know how he felt if he ever missed a day.  He is from the area and his whole family lives within a few minutes of the cemetery.  He has not missed a day since his grandson died over 3 years ago.  I think it is great that he has found a way to comfort himself.

I on the other hand, have family who lives out-of-state.  I no longer travel often for work but I do take trips to visit family and friends.  Every time I am away I stress about not being able to visit Jake and Sawyer’s grave (as I have written about before they share one plot).

When we were snowed in this past winter I did have fun playing with the twins.


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However, I worried about not being able to check on my other 2 children.  I know that they are not really there but I like to check on the little piece of land in the cemetery.  It gives me a brief sense of being able to take care of Jake and Sawyer. 


I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,

Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.

I trim the grass around his marker,

And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.

I place flowers in his vase,

And dream of placing kisses on his check.

I hold his memory dear to my heart,

And dream of holding him in my arms.

                                                                Author unknown

I know that frequent visits to the cemetery might sound morbid to some people.  Just like with birthdays I do not think there are any rules in this area.  We all find comfort in different ways.  The path in the journey of grief varies – even if you are grieving the same person (or people).  Visit or do not visit the cemetery.  Do what ever helps you at the time.


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  1. Whatever works for you has got to be the “right” thing.

  2. I actually find cemetaries to be very peaceful, often beautiful places. Why not visit whenever you feel the need to do so? It seems like the perfect place to be able to meditate and allow your mind to focus on what’s needed.

  3. when my uncle died, i was 15 and going through teenage angst. as if it wasn’t bad enough, my uncle was my father figure and this was the age i needed him most. i didn’t know how to channel my grief into something helpful, so i went to the cemetery every single day. while i was there, i would sit quietly and soak up the surroundings. i often spoke to other visitors and the chaplain there. i learned so much about healing and life at that beautiful place. it’s weird when i say it out loud, but the cemetery brought me much comfort and still does to this day. knowing he is there resting at peace helped me move on with my life.

  4. Honestly, if my Grandparent’s plots weren’t all the way up in Michigan, I would visit them all the time as well. I have always felt at peace going to their cemetary to meditate and just think. It’s beautiful there and my heart is so full during those visits. Whatever works for you is what is best.

  5. Lanie, you are always so sweet to share and allow others to feel and act differently. Your humanity is so palpable in your posts and I love reading them. Carry on. Love, Cornelia

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