Frog & Toad
May 20, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
“What is the matter, Toad? You are looking sad.”
“Yes,” said Toad. “This is my sad time of day.”
Frog and Toad are Friends by Arnold Lobel
After Sawyer died I cried a lot in front of the twins. They were 2 1/2 year olds at the time and did not ask too many questions about my tears. Now, over 2 years later, the twins ask questions about everything and I rarely cry in front of them. The sadness is still there but I have better control over it. Every once in a while it gets the best of me and the tears leak out against my will. Today was one of those days. I know it is not just today – it has been creeping up on me over the last few months.
I know that there will be other days when the tears take over. It is ok to be sad but it is also ok to be happy. If not for me than for them.
The Triathlon
May 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Grief | 25 CommentsTags: bittersweet, death, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, triathlon
This weekend I swam, biked and ran. My only real goal was to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way. As I raced I realized that grief (or my experiences with it so far) is a lot like a triathlon.
Getting into the cool water is shocking and sudden. Keep moving – no matter what chaos or fogginess has set in, the only solution is forward motion.
“There is nothing left we can do for Jake.”
“Baby is not breathing.”
Next, there is bawling and bargaining. After the shock wears off a bit there are lots and lots of tears.
I would have traded places with Jake and Sawyer if it was humanly possible. I stared at the hospital walls and pleaded that it was me not them.
There are downhills and some coasting but there is always a hill up ahead. Shifting gears helps at times but not always.
Lastly, reality sets in but it is not the same reality as before – the shock has turned to sadness and the bawling has become bittersweetness. The bargaining is done.
My goal is still the same, to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way.
Time Traveler
March 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, unexplainable
I wish I could go back to this moment:
I sometimes do feel like I should be able to beam myself back to the fall of 2009. If I could just hold Sawyer one more moment. Kiss his sweet cheeks. Perhaps all the allergy medicine I have been taking has made me loopy. Or, maybe it is because I just finished the Time Traveler’s Wife. I pray every night that Sawyer will visit me in my dreams. He has not in quite a while. I wake up every morning knowing that I am still here in 2012 and this is our reality:
Surprise it is Spring
March 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: dark days, post traumatic stress disorder, Sad, twins
“And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul . . .”
Dr. Seuss
Spring is here. The days are sunnier. I feel quite the opposite of sunny. This journey of life and grief always brings dark dark days. At times I wish I could just disappear into the darkness. I cannot. So, I put on my sunglasses and follow these 2 out into the big world.
Human Doings
March 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life lessons, venting | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
I have written that I do not necessarily have advice for bereaved parents. I do not have the magic words to take away the pain. However, I do have a strategy which I have used most of my adult life. Being busy. I over schedule. Moments alone terrify me – they are opportunities for dark thoughts to take me over.
I will never forget the dark empty days of January, 2006. Jake had died and I could not fill up the days with anything that would distract me from my grief. Slowly, I rejoined the land of the living. Keeping busy was a huge part of my plan. I worked as much as I could and made sure that I was never home alone.
Right after Jake and then Sawyer died family and friends were around a lot. I am still so appreciative that a couple of my thoughtful friends made an online calendar for me. People would come by or call every day. These days I am usually with the twins or at work so busy is built into my schedule.
“Don’t be afraid of the vacant moment. You are a human being not a ‘human doing’ so just be and consider your boredness. You may be surprised at how it clears the mind (after getting over the initial discomfort) and provides new thoughts.” Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and It’s All Small Stuff by Richard Carlson
Today I am not completely terrified of the “vacant moments” but there is still fear. I am still more of a human doing than a human being. I know that there is a balance. I will find it one of these days.
P.S. If you have a free moment will you please vote for brilliantly funny Mamabirddiaries in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest?
Things could always be worse. . .
February 18, 2012 at 9:16 am | Posted in emergency room, Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning, venting | 6 CommentsTags: dark days, family, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
The other night I was talking to one of my favorite friends and she asked how everyone at my house was feeling. I thought about it and cautiously answered, “Everyone is doing pretty well.” And, I truly thought all was well, until 5 am the next morning. I woke up to Evan asking me to go get some ice packs. He had a bloody nose that would not stop. I won’t go into the gory details but he was a mess.
This had happened once before a few weeks after Sawyer died. Evan had come home from work and after a few hours he could still not stop the bloody nose. He shocked me by asking me to call 911. He was taken to the ER in an ambulance. The bloody nose eventually stopped.
After Jake died I had this realization that anyone and everyone close to me could slip away at an instant. Life had a new kind of uncertainty. I even flipped out when our dog, Buddy, had to be sedated for a dental cleaning. My very same favorite friend talked me down off the ledge as we waited at the vet.
Life seems so fragile. Maybe it was fragile before Jake and Sawyer died but I was oblivious. After Evan’s first visit to the ER it was not hard for me to imagine the worst happening. Only a few weeks before we had buried Sawyer. Nothing is guaranteed.
After yesterday’s visit to the ER I found myself trying not to let my mind go to the worst places. As I drove Evan from doctor to doctor I took deep breaths. I reminded myself of what my grandfather always says when asked how he is feeling, “I could be better but things could always be worse.”
The doctors told us that based on Evan’s blood pressure we were very lucky that it was a bloody nose because there were far worse alternatives. My mind had already played and replayed the worst of the alternatives. Now I will do my best to focus on the present. Unfortunately, Evan and I both know all too well that things could always be worse. He will get better.
Evan holding Sawyer
Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
Memories & Moments
November 10, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 8 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, life after loss, post traumatic stress disorder
I believe that when older people die there are many places, songs and other things which stir up mixed emotions and memories for those left behind. There are not a lot of places which remind me of Jake or Sawyer. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did leave but went home. Other than home, he went to the pediatrician twice and once we stopped by a good friend’s house on the way home.
I have been back to the hospital and the pediatrician (on many occasions). I have not been back to the hospital where Sawyer died. I have to confess that sometimes I drive way out of my way not to even drive by the place.
Today I went back to the place I was the last day I saw Sawyer alive. Sawyer had stayed home with Evan. I took the twins to the JCC for a Family Fun Day . It was Christmas day and it was a no fun day for me. The twins were running around like little crazy people. I had to go home to feed Sawyer and the twins would not leave. I had a major meltdown in the parking lot. It was not my finest hour. Have you had any parenting or other types of meltdowns?
As I drove into the parking lot today I noticed that familiar pit in my stomach. My mind traveled back to that day in 2009. Sawyer was alive and waiting for me to come home to feed him. As it turned out it took me so long that day to get the twins home that Evan had to feed Sawyer a bottle.
Today I debated driving right out of the parking lot and leaving. A mom of one of the twins’ preschool friends wrote a book . She spoke about it today at a book festival. I wanted to go hear her speak. I took a few deep breaths, parked my car and transported myself back to 2011.
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. —- Buddha
Whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it. —- Barack Obama, speech, Jun. 4, 2009
For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. —- John Kennedy
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 