The Story of the Stones

March 28, 2012 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, normal?, traditions, twins | 9 Comments
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You may have noticed in my last post that Jake and Sawyer’s headstone is covered with stones.  At the unveiling, Jake and Sawyer’s sister carefully arranged all of the stones.   In fact, the twins each painted rocks for the occasion.  She would only paint the smooth stones.  He would only paint the rough ones.

The tradition of leaving rocks on the headstone signifies that someone has visited which honors the deceased person’s memory.  The last scene of Schindler’s List depicts children of Survivors placing stones on Oscar Schindler’s grave. 

There are many theories on the origins of this custom.  A few are the following:

  1. The stones are a kind of calling card left for the deceased.   Stones, unlike flowers, are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.
  2. Jacob’s sons took a stone and put it on Rachel’s (their mother’s)grave to make up Rachel’s tomb.  In placing stones on the grave one participates in building the tombstone.
  3. A large stone slab was placed on the grave so that it would not be lost.  Rabbi Tam, goes on to explain that there were smaller stones that were set under the sides of the large stone that rests on them so that it will not bear down too heavily on the deceased.
  4. The ritual of placing a stone is a way of expressing our emotions and spiritual needs. Rabbi Andrew Straus explains that “we need physical acts to express these things for us, to make them concrete.”

    “Placing a stone on a grave does just that. It works in several ways:

    1) It is a sign to others who come to the grave when I am not there that they and I are not the only ones who remember. The stones I see on the grave when I come are a reminder to me that others have come to visit the grave. My loved one is remembered by many others and his/her life continues to have an impact on others, even if I do not see them.

    2) When I pick up the stone it sends a message to me. I can still feel my loved one. I can still touch and be touched by him/her. I can still feel the impact that has been made on my life. Their life, love, teachings, values, and morals still make an impression on me. When I put the stone down, it is a reminder to me that I can no longer take this person with me physically. I can only take him/her with me in my heart and my mind and the actions I do because he/she taught me to do them. Their values, morals, ideals live on and continue to impress me – just as the stone has made an impression on my hands – so too their life has made an impression on me that continues.” Rabbi Tom Louchheim

I am sure there are more theories but no matter the origins I like the tradition.  Evan and I collect stones from places we go.  We have our own tradition of kissing the rocks before we place them on the headstone.  We are sending kisses to Jake and Sawyer.  I hope that they are getting them. 

Where are Sawyer & Jake?

January 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, traditions | 6 Comments
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I do not know exactly what I believe happens to us after we die.  I like to think that Jake and Sawyer are with me where ever I go.  Perhaps they are with Evan, the twins and others as well.  Are they angels?

According to the free dictionary one definition of an angel is “a typically benevolent celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth, especially in Christianity, Judaism, Islam. . .”.  Every religion seems to offer a different view on what happens after we die. 

I go to the cemetery to “visit” Jake and Sawyer.  I know that they are not really there.  It is just their physical remains which are buried in that plot.  I do not like to think about that part – especially in the cold weather.   Cremation would have solved that issue for me but at the time I was so numb and just went through the motions of a Jewish burial.  

Like so many of my questions about Jake and Sawyer, this one will be unanswered.  I have made up my own answer.  Jake and Sawyer are in our hearts.  I hope that if they are actually somewhere else that they are safe, happy and know how much they are loved.  I will always look for them in my dreams.

Dancing Dreidels

December 16, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 14 Comments
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Today the twins performed in their preschool holiday show.  The first class to come out featured one of our singing candles:

Our other singing candle came out later with her class:

The younger 2-year-old class performed as dancing dreidels.  The class seemed like it was missing someone.  I could almost see the place where Sawyer should have been standing.  I looked around the room to see if anyone else noticed.  The moms who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Sawyer were busy taking pictures of their adorable children. 

I squeezed Evan’s hand and whispered, “this should be Sawyer’s class. . . ”  Evan said, “I know.”  Sawyer should be up on the stage too.  I did not think anyone else noticed his absence. 

I was wrong.

As we were leaving, the twins were piling all their papers and endless other accessories into my arms.  I was trying to hold everything along with the balloons they each had been given.  I accidentally let one go.  I braced myself for the cries to retrieve the balloon.  Instead they said, “Sawyer likes blue, that balloon is for him.  Let the other balloon go too!  The other balloon is for Jake.”

And so I let it go.

Dear Sawyer

November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old.  We should be planning your birthday party.  The invitations should have been sent.  I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone.  It is mostly your dad.  I am not so good with the headstones.  It should be finalized soon.  I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day.  I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground.  I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon.  I am going to try to prepare myself.  I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone.  It is just so permanent. 

Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling.  I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party.  People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling.  I know.  When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying).   We will figure it out.  Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward.  We have to breathe.  We have to live in a world without you and your brother. 

I miss you so much sweet Sawyer.  Where are you?  Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you.  I like to think that you are playing with Jake.  Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you.   I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.  

Love always,
Mommy

Spam, Signed & Sealed

October 8, 2011 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions, twins | 8 Comments
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If I have ever emailed you since the late 90’s you may have recently received suspicious emails from my address.  Let me apologize for any emails offering secrets of happiness or descriptions of sexual adventures.  I promise if I knew the secrets to happiness I would let you all know immediately.  Not sure what to write about the sexual adventures but please don’t open the link.  However, it appears my email account (which I have had for almost 15 years) was hacked.  I have changed my password.  Hopefully,  I will soon be spam free which coincides perfectly with my clean slate from the High Holidays. 

The days between Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur are known at the Days of Awe.   These days are for introspection and reflection on the sins from the past year.  Names are written into the book of  life.  On Yom Kippur, the books is sealed.  In the High Holidays since Jake and Sawyer have died, I have thought about the fact that they did not have any sins.  So why were their names not inscribed in the book of life?  I know there is no answer to this question but I had to write it anyway.  I will not go down the path my mind usually takes.  This is the path of guilt where I have thoughts about my sins being the reason that Jake and Sawyer were not written into the book of life.  Must remember that my guilt is in the river. 

WE REMEMBER THEM.

At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

By Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Reimer

Go Guilt Go

October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 9 Comments
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This week I went with the twins on a school field trip. We went to a park alongside a river. The purpose of the trip was to say the Tashlich prayer. Tashlich means to cast off. It is a Jewish tradition of “casting off” your sins and starting the new year with a clean slate. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year was this past week (just in case you did not already know that). I really like the idea of having a clean slate.

The way that the twins’ teachers explained Tashlich to the children was that it is putting all of your bad feelings into the river. Examples they gave were fighting with your brother/sister and not listening to your parents.

There were lots of feelings that I tried to “cast off” into the river. The top of my list was my guilt. My guilt that I did not do everything I could to protect Jake and Sawyer. I know logically that there was nothing I could do but as their mother I should have been able to protect them. I have replayed (in my mind and in talking to friends and therapists) Jake and Sawyer’s short lives over and over. I have tried to imagine if there could have been something I did or did not do that would have changed the fact that they both died.

I tried to leave my guilt in that river by the park. I will let you know how that works out for me. . .

A Person is a Person

August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 Comments
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“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss

Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs.  Not a big guy but a fighter.  According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.

According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago.  The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.  Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle.  We said the mourner’s kaddish.  After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it.  Perhaps it is because I am usually crying.  Perhaps it is a mental block.  Whatever.  We thought about Jake.

I will light another candle for Jake in a few days.  I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries.  I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.

Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.

Note:  The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .

Cosmic Connections & Kindness

August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 Comments
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Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house.  They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it).  Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died.  It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.

Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies.  The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake).  There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave.  I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.

This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend.  In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins).  I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there.  In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.

Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave.  Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite.  Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”

The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass.  Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away.  The grass had become extremely over grown.  I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.

The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer.  He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone.  He did not want me to be surprised.

Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.

Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain

Not an Unhappy Birthday

June 6, 2011 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, silver lining, traditions | 4 Comments
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“Don’t cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened.”  Dr. Seuss

Today would have been my mother-in-law’s birthday.

Last year at this time the whole family was celebrating her birthday at the beach.  This year is a very different story.  I do not believe that there are any rules in this area.  So, I have made up my own.  On Jake’s and Sawyer’s birthdays I light a candle.   I want to celebrate their birth and their life.

A few other ideas about celebrating a deceased loved one’s birthday are the following:

  • Write the person a letter
  • Visit the cemetery
  • Release balloons
  • Plant a tree in their honor
  • Make a donation in their name
  • Tell stories/look at pictures
  • Whatever brings you any comfort (no matter how slight it might be)

The world is a better place because Jake, Sawyer and my mother-in-law were in it.  Happy Birthday Shelley.

The Unveiling

April 26, 2011 at 6:40 am | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions | 5 Comments
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Since ancient times, it has been the Jewish custom to mark the grave with a stone. After Rachel died, “Jacob erected a monument on Rachel’s grave” (Genesis 35:20). The marker/monument serves to identify the grave so relatives will find it when they visit, honor the memory of the deceased, and identify a place of burial.

It is also the Jewish custom not to place a headstone at the time of burial.  Instead an unveiling is the formal dedication of the headstone. The unveiling usually takes place 12 months after the funeral as a way to mark the end of the formal mourning period. However, the unveiling may take place any time after the first 30 days after the funeral.

June, 2006.  We had an unveiling for Jake 10 months after the funeral.  We made this decision in part because the Rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral was moving back to California.  Evan and I both wanted the same Rabbi to preside over Jake’s unveiling.  So, Evan agonized over what to write on the headstone before ordering it.  He picked out the font and the border.  I was numb.  My mind did not seem to have the ability to think of anything to write on Jake’s headstone.  Evan did it all and then showed it to me.  We  finalized it and placed the order. 

We knew the headstone would come in a week or 2 before the ceremony was scheduled to take place.  I thought for some reason we would get a call to let us know it had arrived.  There was not a call.  I was still going almost every day to the cemetery.  Evan went with me sometimes and other times I went alone.  One day, we walked up the hill to Jake’s grave and there it was – his headstone.  It was covered with a sheer cloth.  The pit in my stomach which had been there for the past 9 months grew bigger.  We read the headstone over and over.  The dates were wrong.  The font was wrong.

Evan called the cemetery’s office and explained the mistakes.  They assured us that it would be corrected immediately. 

Our families arrived in town for the ceremony.  The day before the unveiling Evan and his mom went to the cemetery.  The sheer cloth was over the headstone.  They read it carefully – JACK.  Evan was beyond furious.  He and his mom went to the office.  The original wrong headstone was still there.  It at least had the right name so it was put back in for Jake’s unveiling.

I do not remember much about the ceremony.  I remember it was hot.  Our family and close friends were there.  Our 1-year-old niece and nephew were also with us and waddling around the cemetery. 

Today, 2011.  It is 16 months since Sawyer died.  In a few days it will be 16 months since his funeral.  We have not ordered a headstone.  We have no plans for an unveiling. Neither of us seem to have the ability to think of what to write on another headstone. I hope to write a post before the end of this year to tell you about Sawyer’s unveiling. . .

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