Things People Say (part 2)
February 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: infertility, motherhood, new not so normal, parenthood
In my last post I should have included the fact that I am positive I have said, written or done the wrong things at the wrong times. Almost every time I call my father-in-law, who is a recent widower, I cannot seem to stop myself from starting the conversation with, “How are you?” I try to rephrase the question as soon as it comes out of my mouth but it is always too late.
Over the weekend, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who is thinking about starting infertility treatments. I feel like I have earned a masters (or at least an honorary degree) in infertility. At first I started to tell her about the injectables, IUIs and the IVFs. Luckily, my brain kicked in before I opened my mouth.
I thought back to my life before the twins were born. Jake had died. There was no “your baby died, now you get a baby free pass” for me and Evan. Eventually we boarded the infertility rollercoaster. The sadness and desperation were all-consuming. Every month seemed like an eternity.
My friend was in pain and did not need to hear about my depths of despair. So, instead of sharing my war stories I gave her the phone number of my doctor. Then I told her if she ever felt like talking I would always be here to listen.
There seem to be endless opportunities in life to say the wrong thing. It is hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and separate out your own feelings. We all have different experiences. We start from a variety of places. Who is to judge what is right and what is wrong? All we can do is try our best.
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
~Dalai Lama
After I did have the twins one of my favorite friends sent me the link to the video below. It makes me smile so I thought I would share.
Sunshine and Rain
January 30, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, rainbows
Weather is a great metaphor for life – sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad,
and there’s nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella.
~Terri Guillemets
Thank you for all the well wishes. Today was sunny and both of the twins went to preschool. This time of year the birthdays, anniversaries and yahrzeits for Jake and Sawyer are over. The “pressure to be happy because it the holidays” is over too. The dark days are a little less dark.
It helps that the sun has been shining and this winter has not been too cold. There has been a lot of rain and sometimes there are storms. It is all part of life. I wish some of the storms were not quite so severe but no one asked me.
When it does rain the twins usually belt out a few verses of “rain, rain go away.” This brings a smile to my face. If that does not do the trick then I can always fall back on the song Blame it on the rain by Milli Vanilli. “You can blame it on the rain. . .You got to blame it on something” is then stuck in my head for the rest of the day. So, even on the dark rainy days there is some light.
Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
Memorials, Mickey & Moments
January 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, family, gratitude, happy, Jake, Sawyer
This week was Sawyer’s yahrzeit, the anniversary of the Hebrew date he died. Evan and I lit a candle and said Kaddish (the prayer recited to honor the memory of those who have died). My mom recently emailed me an article titled “Memory is a Blessing” which discusses the prayer.
It is the responsibility of the Kaddish – the mourner – to keep alive the memory of the person who has died, to not forget and not to let others forget. . . .
Recite the prayer for him – yes – but also to remember – even if it hurts, even if it brings tears. To “be the Kaddish” is to be willing to talk about the person who has died, to tell stories and share memories even when it makes others uncomfortable.
During Sawyer’s yahrzeit, my parents so happened to take our family away on a vacation. I am so thankful to my parents for such a wonderful trip.
However, as a bereaved parent it feels wrong at times to have fun while also trying to grieve. I know that I am alive and Sawyer is not. It is complicated. I want to be happy and live with the twins while honoring Sawyer and Jake.
It is bittersweet.
Here is some of the sweetness:
And here is some more:
And although Sawyer and Jake were not physically there they have left us their own sweetness.
By love they are remembered, and in memory they live. . .
Even when they are gone, the departed are with us. . .
We remember them now; they live in our hearts. . .
Rabbi Hannah Orden
Life Lessons
January 2, 2012 at 10:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, life lessons, silver lining | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, holidays, new not so normal, rainbows, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable, year in review
Here are a few of the things I have learned so far in life. I did not necessarily learn them in 2011 but now seems as good a time as any to share them. Do you have any you would like to share?
This list is not complete and will most likely be ongoing for the rest of my life. They are in no particular order. . .
- When asked, “How you are?” Most of the time people just want to hear the response, “Fine” and go on with their day.
- Hug more. One of the twins loves to hug and be hugged all the time. I will actually be hugging him and he will say, “Mama, I need a hug.” I answer, “I am hugging you right now”. He responds, “Hug more.”
- Look for rainbows.
- Listen carefully. The twins wanted gelt, the chocolate coins which are given out at Hanukkah. However, they kept asking, “Is it time for Hanukkah guilt?”
- Music makes people happy.
- Tutus also make people happy (see above). And, apparently ties can be the reason for really big smiles.
- Sleep. Grief (along with life in general) is exhausting.
- Life can be heartbreaking, unfair and unexplainable. No one ever promised any thing different.
- Treasure the moments – you are never sure just how many you will have.
My New Not so Normal
December 30, 2011 at 11:40 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 8 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, hope, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, unexplainable
In three words I can sum up every-
thing I’ve learned about life.
It goes on. ~Robert Frost
I am not the same person that I was before 2005 – before Jake died.
I went to where I thought was the deepest darkest place in my life. Then there came a day when I realized that I was still alive and I needed to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.
I called it my new normal.
I tried every day to just live. I went to work. I tried to interact with the rest of the world. When the twins were born my normal life revolved around them and their routine.
I have never gotten “over” Jake but I thought my new normal was working.
Until Sawyer died. My new normal was thrown a devastating curve ball.
There is nothing normal about 1 child dying let alone 2. I am now attempting to live my new not so normal.
This new not so normal is not easy for anyone. It is hard for Evan. Family and friends suffer the loss of Jake and Sawyer as well as their own challenges and losses in life. All I can do is try my best every day to live this new not so normal life.
I often repeat to myself a phrase that my high school track coach would yell after us as we ran, “whatever does not kill you will make you stronger.”
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