Unknown & Unchanged
September 8, 2011 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 17 CommentsTags: CHD, grief, life after loss, Sawyer, SUIDS, unexplainable
Nothing has changed. If you had spoken to me (or I had written) yesterday everything would basically be the same. Jake and Sawyer died. The twins are healthy. However, today we received an email from Sawyer’s pathologist. We have waited for over a year for the results of the Mayo clinic study which Sawyer is a part of. The study tests for cardiac channelopathies, such as long QT.
Sawyer’s doctor wrote, “none of the genetic-DNA mutations that are known to be associated with/responsible for abnormal heart rhythms has been identified in Sawyer.”
I always knew the study might be inconclusive. However, I hoped that there would be some sort of medical answer. An answer that could somehow help me rationalize and comprehend Sawyer’s death. If there was some known medical condition we could have the twins tested for it. As of now there is no answer. Maybe there never will be. No one ever promised that life would make sense.
The cause of Sawyer’s death is unknown. The facts are the same as they were yesterday. Nothing has changed or has it?
Numbers
September 2, 2011 at 8:20 pm | Posted in mourning, silver lining | 5 CommentsTags: life after loss, unexplainable
Somewhere along the path of life I started to pay attention to numbers and dates. I believe that part of my interest is because I am searching for answers to unresolved questions. I want there to be explanations where there are none. Why did Jake and Sawyer die? There are no answers or explanations that I can understand.
Jake was born 14 weeks early. He was born on the 14th. He weighed 2 lbs, 14 oz. He was 14 inches long. Jake died at 6:14 am. The number 14 seemed to be such a predominant theme in his short life I was sure that it held some answers. Some one once told me that it is not the number 14 but the sum of 1 and 4, or 5. So far I have not figured out anything based on the number 14 or 5.
The twins’ original due date was the day that Jake died. Of course, they did not make it to that due date but instead they were born on the 28th. It seemed like the right day because 2 x 14 = 28. I know these are all most likely just happenstance.
My most recent numerical coincidence is from my last post, 99!!. I wrote to just wish my grandfather a happy 99th birthday. Oddly, it was my 99th post. So this is my 100th post!
Another Anniversary
August 27, 2011 at 9:58 am | Posted in Grief, mourning | 11 CommentsTags: Jake, life after loss
Six years ago at 6:14 am today, Evan and I held Jake for the first and last time.
I recently saw The Help, which in case you have not read the book or seen the movie, it is really about Mississippi in the early 1960’s. However, one of the main characters, Aibileen’s son died 3 years before the book began.
“After I spent a year dreading it. . .” the anniversary of his death finally comes. In the movie I think Aibileen said something like “I have trouble breathing today but to everyone else it is just another day to play bridge.”
“Three years just ain’t long enough. A hundred years ain’t gonna be long enough.” I could not agree with her more – 6 years is not long enough. I will miss Jake forever.
It is just another day. The world without Jake continues. Life goes on, as it must.
August & Awkward Appointments (part 2)
August 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, pregnancy, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, Jake, life after loss, parenthood, Sawyer
As I wrote about previously in this post, doctor’s appointments can at times be awkward. I am not a big fan of the forms that you have to fill out about your medical history. I understand why they are necessary but I truly dislike listing the birth and death dates of Jake and Sawyer. The OB forms do not even have enough lines for me to write all of the complications before and after pregnancy that we have had. I am sure one day these forms will not bother me but today they do.
The twins had their 4-year-old check up today. A new nurse came to get us from the waiting room. As she brought us into the room she asked me, “Are you expecting company?” I looked at the twins and Evan and thought to myself, “how many more people can we fit in this tiny exam room?” And, who else would I be expecting? Then the nurse looked at my stomach and repeated the question. My quizzical look turned to horror. Really, is she really asking me if I am pregnant? Yes, she did.
That question is emotion-packed. The times when I answered yes to that question – thoughts of being pregnant with Jake, the twins and Sawyer. The realization that my stomach apparently still has a pregnancy pouch. Or, maybe I just made an unfortunate outfit choice.
The nurse was reading over our medical charts as my mind was still racing. I could see in her eyes that she had just read about Sawyer, Jake or maybe both. She looked at me and apologizes.
Overall the day was a success. One outfit for Good Will. Two healthy twins. Three weeks down in August. Four beautiful children.
Just Jake
August 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, mourning, parents, silver lining | 21 CommentsTags: death, grief, happy, Jake, life after loss, parenthood
Dear Jake,
I cannot believe that you would have been 6 years old today. In some ways it seems like so long ago since I held you and in some ways it feels like last week. I have so much to thank you for and I do not think I have ever told you.
First, I would like to thank you for choosing us to be your parents. I remember running downstairs after taking the pregnancy test and seeing the positive result. I could not wait to tell your dad. I was completely filled with joy. I have not been truly happy since that day. Do not take this the wrong way, I have been happy. It is just a different kind of happy and it is often bittersweet. That wonderful March day I was just so blissfully unaware of the tragedies that life could and would bring.
Second, you made me understand how short and precious life really is. You showed me in your brief time with me how pure and simple love can be.
Lastly (at least for now), I want to thank you for the strength you have given me. It is difficult for me to explain but the night your youngest brother Sawyer died you are who was with me. In the emergency room, you are the one who held me up in the hallway. I am sure without you I would not have been able to stand let alone walk. I kept telling myself if I could live in a world without you, I could and would somehow find a way to live without Sawyer.
I wish that we were having a birthday party with you today. We are not. Perhaps you are having a cosmic celebration with your little brother, your Mom Mom and your great-grandmother. Whatever you are doing please know how much I love and miss you.
August Attire?
August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, happy, hope, life after loss, parenthood, twins
It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October. Halloween to be specific. The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.
The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken. Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.
It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months. I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.
“One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb
Cosmic Connections & Kindness
August 9, 2011 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, traditions | 7 CommentsTags: grandparents, gratitude, hope, Jewish customs
Jake and Sawyer are buried in a cemetery not far from our house. They are in the Jewish section of the cemetery called Menorah (it is named for the gigantic Menorah in the middle of it). Evan and I were shown the children’s section when Jake first died. It did not feel like the right place for Jake – or us.
Menorah is a section for people of all ages but Jake and Sawyer happen to be surrounded by other babies. The grave above is a little girl who died in August of 2005 (just like Jake). There are other children to the left and right of Jake and Sawyer’s grave. I rationalize that hopefully they are all having a cosmic play date.
This section of the cemetery also includes the grave of the mother of my college boyfriend. In addition, the grave of the mother of our fantastic doula (she helped Evan and I with the twins). I am not sure if they are part of the cosmic play date but I like knowing they are there. In another section not too far away from Menorah is the mother of a very close friend. Her proximity to our sons’ grave also brings me comfort.
Sawyer still does not have a headstone so I had arranged the stones over the grave. Leaving rocks is a Jewish custom to show that someone visited the gravesite. Stones “are permanent and do not get blown away in the wind.”
The stones prevent the cemetery caretakers from cutting the grass. Usually, I clip the grass but we had been away. The grass had become extremely over grown. I put all of Sawyer’s stones into a bag in hopes that the caretakers would be cutting the grass soon.
The next day I checked our home voicemail and there was a message from the grandfather of one of the little boys buried near Jake and Sawyer. He wanted to let me know that the stones I had carefully arranged around Sawyer’s part of the grave were gone. He did not want me to be surprised.
Even cosmic communities have good neighbors.
Kindness is a language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
– Mark Twain
Sawyer’s Sock
August 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death, life after loss, Sawyer
I walked back into our room the morning that Sawyer died. In the middle of the floor was a single sock. I had changed him out of that pair of socks before he went to sleep.
I had dropped the sock the night before. The other sock, along with the rest of Sawyer’s and the twin’s laundry had all been washed.
I have a confession. I carry this sock around with me. I have had it with me since that awful day Sawyer died. One day I lost it at the playground. I frantically went back to search for it and luckily found it. Today I forgot the sock. I called home and asked Evan to make sure that I had not lost it. He sent me the picture above of the sock in my drawer. I forgot my wallet today too but that is a different story.
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That
myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for
grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.
Robert Fulghum
I so miss those sweet little feet . . .
Time Can be Tricky (part 3)
July 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death, hope, life after loss
I have written about time in this post and this one, and I am once again questioning how it can possibly be August in 2 days. August is filled with bittersweet birthdays and anniversaries. It comes every year. I know it is right after July but somehow this year it snuck up on me. I feel like summer just began and snap it is almost August.
It will be ok. We will get through this time of year just like we have in the past. There are just ups and downs. I will try to focus on the good days but I know there will be hard days ahead.
“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. . . Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter
Thanks to the twins
July 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, SIDS, twins | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, happy, life after loss, SIDS
Thanks to the twins I have to get up every morning. After Jake died, there were days I did not see the point in getting out of bed.
Four months after Jake’s death, Evan and I spoke to a neighbor who had 2 older boys and a 3 month old baby girl who died. As Evan and I spoke to the parents about the death of their daughter, the 2 little boys were running around us.
As we walked away from their house I thought about how I could cry all day and go on long walks. I thought how much harder it must be for them to have to get up every day and take care of 2 other children while grieving for another. And, if I am honest with myself I envied that they had other children at home as we walked back to our empty house.
The birth of the twins did not make me forget Jake but my life became much busier. My grief for Jake became a part of me and helped me to (hopefully) be a better mother to the twins.
The morning after Sawyer died our house was not empty. The twins were home waiting for us to take care of them. I cannot compare Sawyer’s death and Jake’s death at all. However, after Sawyer died I had to get myself together and take care of the twins. I cried as I changed their diapers, fed them and put them to bed but I did it.
The twins have no idea how grateful I am they were born and are alive. I tell them all the time how much I love them and how lucky I am to be their mom but I do not have the words to express how important they are to me. I hope they do not feel the weight of my world on their little legs.
Happy Birthday!!
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