Telling the Twins
March 26, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: cancer, death, grief, twins
We did not have too much time to figure out how to tell the twins that Sawyer died. I went with whatever came out of my mouth first. Evan and I did have some time to figure out what we would tell the twins when Evan’s mom died. Below are some options that we could have told the twins when talking to the twins about Jake, Sawyer and Evan’s mom:
- We lost Jake. We lost Sawyer. We lost Mom Mom. They are not lost. I knew where Jake and Sawyer were every minute they were alive. I know where they are now that they have died. On a separate point, if they were lost – I would have found them by now (if I had not found them, some one should report me to family services and/or the police).
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom went to sleep. We all go to sleep. Some of us take longer to go to sleep than others. No need to make going to sleep scary for the twins.
- Jake was sick. Sawyer was sick. Mom Mom was sick. Jake was premature. We still do not know what happened to Sawyer. Mom Mom had cancer. We did tell the twins that Mom Mom was sick and the medicine she took no longer worked.
- Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom passed away. I used this option quite a bit when Jake first died. However, when I spoke to the twins about death – “passed away” did not seem quite right anymore.
We told the twins that Mom Mom died. We told them that she had been sick for a long time. The medicine no longer worked. They both looked at us. Our daughter asked, “Where is Mom Mom?” Before either of us could answer, she said, “Oh, I know Mom Mom is with Sawyer and Jake.” Evan and I could not have given them a more perfect answer.
So sad
March 14, 2011 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mother, mourning | 17 CommentsTags: cancer, death, grief, hospice, mom
I have tried to write this post several times in the last week. I cannot seem to find the words but I am going to try.
Evan’s mother lost her battle with cancer. I was very lucky to have her as a mother-in-law.
She was an amazing artist.
She was an amazing business woman.
She was an amazing athlete. In one 9 month period, right after chemo for the cancer which had returned to her bones, she had 3 holes in one.
And most importantly, she was an amazing mother, grandmother, wife, sister and friend. I am so sad that she died.
A few weeks ago Evan and I were talking. He told me that in a perfect world his mom would be healthy, happy and teaching art to all 4 of our children. Here she is playing with the twins last summer:
I like to think that Evan’s mom is now with Jake and Sawyer. Maybe, just maybe she is teaching art to them as I write.
Sawyer’s Story (part 9): The ER
February 2, 2011 at 4:40 pm | Posted in Death, emergency room, Grief, hospital | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death, Jake, Sawyer
In the hallway of the emergency room I did not know what to do. I stared at the door willing myself to be on the other side of it with Sawyer. I thought Evan was driving right behind the ambulance so I did not understand where he was. I later found out he jumped in the car and followed the ambulance. However, when Evan got to a main street he realized he did not have his glasses on. He did not have his contacts in his eyes either. He drove back home to get his glasses.
Meanwhile, I continued to cry in the hall. The ER nurses and doctors were going about their business. They were doing their jobs. I kept thinking, “How can they possibly be going on with their lives when something is very wrong with Sawyer?”
My cell phone rang. It was my brother. He told me that he was taking our parents to the airport. I told him I hoped to call him back soon to let him know that Sawyer was fine.
Time seemed to stand still. Why had I not heard back from the doctor? Where was Evan? The hospital chaplain came to talk to me. I knew what this meant. The hospital chaplain came to talk to Evan and me 5 years earlier. They came to talk to us about Jake. I could not talk to the hospital chaplain that night in the ER. I walked away. I might have said something but I do not remember.
I called one of my oldest and closest friends. I knew it was 4 something in the morning but I called anyway. I remembered she told me she had gotten up the day after Thanksgiving to go shopping at an extremely early hour. She answered and offered to come to the hospital. I thanked her but said no. I hoped to call her back soon to tell her everyone was fine.
Evan finally arrived. I had nothing to tell him. No one had given me any updates. The hospital chaplain was back. This time she took us to a room. I am not sure how long Evan and I were in that room. Eventually, a doctor came to talk to us. He told us they were doing everything they could but Sawyer was not responding. He said he would be back with another update.
I paced and every once in a while I sat on the floor. Evan asked me to sit next to him on the couch. I tried but I could not sit still.
The doctor returned. He said the words I could not believe we were hearing again. “Your son is dead.”
Little Angel
We were given an angel to cherish and love. 
So tiny, so perfect, a gift from above.
When we looked at his face it was calmness we found
And that peace seemed to spread to all he was around.
His love touched our hearts like fine threads of spun gold
And we thanked G-d for giving us this angel to hold.
But we did not know then that time was our foe
And too soon, with a whisper, our angel would go.
Our hearts almost breaking, a touch soft as lace
Seemed to wipe at the hurt as it coursed down our face.
We still have our angel to cherish and love.
Those gold threads now shimmer from Heaven above.
And though we can’t see him or cuddle him tight,
We won’t say goodbye, Little Angel, goodnight.
– Author unknown
Sawyer’s Story (part 8): The Ambulance
January 26, 2011 at 6:50 pm | Posted in Death, emergency room, Grief | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, Sawyer, twins
I felt like I was moving in slow motion as the ambulance drove the 3 miles to children’s hospital. I kept trying see what was happening to Sawyer. I could not see very much because there were so many paramedics in the back. I asked the driver many times if my baby was ok. Every time I asked he would respond, “I really can’t say ma’am. Just calm down.” Inside I was screaming. How could I possibly calm down? And, who was this “ma’am?”
It did not help matters that the ambulance driver went down the road with the bridge that was out. The bridge had been out for months because of all the rain we had in the fall of 2009. I thought that maybe the ambulance driver knew something I did not and emergency vehicles could go over the bridge. I was wrong. The bridge was out for all vehicles including Sawyer’s ambulance. The driver turned around at the bridge. He then asked me for directions to the hospital.
We finally arrived at the children’s hospital emergency room. I had been there twice before. One time for each of the twins. Those times we went in through the regular entrance. Each time the twin was fine and we all left through the same entrance.
Sawyer was rushed into the ER through the ambulance entrance. I ran down the hall following Sawyer. He was whisked into a room. The door closed. I was not allowed in. I just stood in the hallway and cried.
I tried my best to rationalize what I had seen in the back of the ambulance. I had seen Sawyer’s EKG. It was a flat line.
“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown
Sawyer’s Story (part 7)- 2:46 am
January 20, 2011 at 2:46 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 11 CommentsTags: child loss, death, Jake, Sawyer
I woke up at 2:46 am. The night nurse was in our room. She was doing CPR. On Sawyer. She was saying over and over again, “The baby is not breathing.” I could not comprehend what was happening. One year and 1 month later I still do not understand. I doubt I ever will.
I jumped out of bed. I started to scream. Evan called 911. The night nurse continued to do CPR. Sawyer’s coloring was all wrong – but he was not blue. I wanted to hold him. I did not because he was receiving CPR. I just watched. I thought I saw his eyes open. I could feel a flicker of hope mix with the horrible pit of fear in my stomach.
The police were the first to arrive. I have no idea what the police officer said. I just could not understand what was taking the ambulance so long. Evan told me to get dressed. I was soaking from the night sweats. I changed my clothes.
I thought back to a Friday night/Saturday morning 5 years earlier when I got dressed to go to the hospital to see Jake for the final time. The morning/night in 2005, I walked down the hall to where my parents were sleeping. I told them we were going to the hospital to see Jake. At 2:56 am December 26, 2009 I called my parents to once again tell them we were going to the hospital. This time we were going to the hospital with Sawyer.
The firemen arrived next. Evan ran downstairs to put our dogs in Uncle W.’s room.
Sidenote: We have 2 dogs. I cannot believe I have not written about them yet but I will. In another post.
Evan waited outside our house to make sure the ambulance did not miss it. Finally, the paramedics arrived. They came up to our room with a huge stretcher. The night nurse stopped doing CPR. The paramedics took over. Now I not only could not hold Sawyer but I was having trouble seeing him through all the people gathered around him.
They took Sawyer to the ambulance. There were so many people. It was so chaotic. I remember getting my jacket from the closet next to Uncle W.’s room. I tried to tell him that there was something wrong with Sawyer. I am not sure what I said.
Now I was in the front seat of the ambulance. Evan was beside me. The paramedics would not let us in the back with Sawyer. We were both in the front seat. The ambulance driver told us only one could sit up front. The other would have to drive separately. Evan promised he would be right behind us. We left Uncle W., the night nurse and the police in the house with our twins who miraculously were still asleep. We drove away.
Sawyer’s Story (part 6): A normal night
January 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, parents | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
The twins woke up from their nap not long after I took this picture of Sawyer and Evan. Everyone was much calmer and happier when they woke up. The twins played. I fed Sawyer again. We all ate dinner together. The twins, Evan and I sat at the table. Sawyer was in his bouncy seat next to me. The second that Sawyer dropped his pacifier one of the twins would jump up to get it for him.
After stories, songs, more blankets and every other stalling tactic the twins could come up with Evan and I put the twins to bed . During the bedtime routines I held Sawyer when I could. If Evan and I were helping the twins Sawyer would sit in his bouncy seat.
The twins were asleep around 8 pm. Then, Sawyer and I Skyped with my parents. I fed Sawyer again. He fell asleep. I walked our dogs. Evan stayed with Sawyer and cleaned the kitchen. I called my brother while I walked the dogs. I remember telling him about my challenging day with the twins and how excited I was that we had a night nurse coming over soon.
At 10:15 pm the night nurse arrived. She had worked with the twins before but this was the first time she had met Sawyer. Evan and I went over everything about him with her. There was not too much to go over. Sawyer had some congestion since birth. He had been to the pediatrician. The doctors all said he was perfect.
In his 5 1/2 weeks he had spit up twice. He was a good eater. He ate every 3 to 4 hours. I was breast-feeding so we were not sure how exactly how many ounces Sawyer ate. That night I would pump so that I could sleep. The night nurse would give him his next feeding.
Sawyer had just gotten baby acne and the night nurse told me what to put on it. I was very excited to try her remedy – I was anxious for his baby acne to go away. I was holding him the whole time we were talking. Finally, the night nurse said, “Give Sawyer to me so that you can go get some sleep.” Evan and I kissed our baby boy. I placed Sawyer in the night nurse’s arms. If I had known this would be the last time I would hold him I would have never let him go.
In our room I pumped. Evan brought the milk to the night nurse a little after 11:00 pm. We were both asleep by 11:30 pm.
Preschool Pick up
January 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Jake, Sawyer, twins
I stood outside the twins’ preschool and waited for them to come out. Another mother looked at me and noticed my necklace. I wear a necklace with charms for each letter of my children’s names. She asked “Do you have that many children?” Not really prepared for the question, I said nothing for a while. I then surprised myself and said “Yes, I have four children.”
As I wrote in this post, answering questions about the number of children I have is not so simple for me. But, I heard myself continue to talk. “Our first son was 14 weeks premature. He lived for 2 weeks. We never got to take him home. Then we had the twins. Last year we had a full term baby boy. He went to sleep the night of December 25th, 2009 and he did not wake up. We are still hoping to find out what happened.”
I did not stop talking when I heard the other mother try to tell me that I did not need to go on. I did not cry. The twins ran out of their school and into my arms. I packed them and myself into the car. I drove us home and thought of my other 2 children buried just a few miles away.
Not long after that day I was on my street about to go jogging. Neighbors were walking by and pushing their twins in a stroller. I had not met them before and said hello. A very ordinary exchange between neighbors took place and then there was that question again. “How many children do you have?”
I took a deep breath and repeated the explanation I gave the mother at preschool pick up. Perhaps this is my new answer.
I finished telling the neighbors about my children. I told them about Jake, the twins and Sawyer.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we
don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown
Sawyer’s Story (part 5): Craziness on Christmas Day 2009
January 8, 2011 at 12:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
As I wrote here, the twins were sick. We were all home. We were going stir crazy. On Christmas Day the JCC had a Family Fun Day (this is what Jewish kids do on Christmas before they are taught to go out for Chinese food and a movie). Evan and I decided it would be in everyone’s best interest if I took the twins. I planned to meet some friends. There were a few problems with my plan:
- I did not purchase tickets in advance. So, I had to wait in line to buy tickets. The twins have
very littleno patience. They would not wait in line. They ran into the Children’s Museum area of the JCC and would not leave. - Two hours later I realized, I needed to start wrapping things up so I could go home and feed Sawyer.
- One twin proceeded to behave completely inappropriately in public while the other twin had a near blow out of his diaper.
- I needed to get us all to the bathroom asap. Neither of the twins would go willingly.
- I had to drag them kicking and screaming to the bathroom.
- Finally, I wrestled one down long enough to change the diaper. Blow out averted.
Next plan was to go home before I exploded (as I mentioned in #2 – I needed to feed Sawyer or pump or do something soon). Next obstacle – the twins did not want to leave. Once again I had to drag them kicking and screaming towards the exit. My post C-section body was no match for the 2 1/2 year-old twins. I somehow got them out to the parking lot and just started crying. Neither of the twins would walk. The car was parked way far away. Two separate women who I don’t know stopped to ask if I needed help. If either of these women are by any chance reading this I want to tell them “thank you and I should have taken you up on your offer.”
I still am not sure how but I got the twins into the car. Before strapping them into their car seats I called Evan. Through my tears I told him that I was driving home with the twins and passing them off. And, I did. Evan met me in the garage holding Sawyer. I took Sawyer and went to feed him.
Evan worked some sort of magic and got the twins down for a nap. Then he and Sawyer decided to take a nap too. I was still recovering from my big morning out with the twins but I was so excited that the night nurse was coming that night. I knew I would be able to sleep soon enough. So, while everyone was sleeping I did laundry, dishes, wrote thank you notes and took this picture. I did not know then that it would be the last picture taken of Sawyer.
Stars
December 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
One year ago tonight was the last time I held Sawyer. At 10:45 pm we kissed him good night for the last time.
There are stars above,
so far away we only see their light
long, long after the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
these are the lights that guide us.
As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.
— Author unknown
I had plans to finish Sawyer’s story but I just cannot find the words right now. I will find them another day.
Sawyer’s Story (part 4): Nights
December 24, 2010 at 9:24 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer, twins
Sawyer was such a good baby. He was 8 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so he could go 3 hours between feedings almost immediately. He had started to go 4 hours between feedings when he was 4 weeks old. Sawyer did get up in the middle of the night like most other newborns. Sawyer slept in a bassinet in our room. He would cry and I would get up. I would feed and change him. Evan would often help with changing Sawyer and then bring him to me to feed. Unlike with the twins, there was no other baby on deck waiting to be changed or fed. It was just Sawyer.
I know I was not always super excited getting up in the middle of the night with Sawyer. I was tired. I was cold. I had night sweats and would wake up soaking. I would quickly change before feeding Sawyer. After Sawyer died, I still had the nights sweats. I would still wake up soaking. I still thought I heard his cries but they were mine.
As I left off in this post, Evan and I were trying to figure out options that would allow us to get some more sleep. We had a night nurse with the twins. We were very lucky when the twins were born my grandfather and one set of Evan’s parents gave us the gift of having a night nurse. It did not even cross our minds to consider having a night nurse with Sawyer. After twins we felt like we could handle one newborn with no problems. And we did. Until the twins got sick and were getting up along with Sawyer.
Evan came up with the brilliant idea to call one of the night nurses who helped us with the twins. The one we called is very good and always very booked. I figured that she might have an available night in February. However, when I called she had a free night that week! She wanted to work either Christmas Eve or Christmas night.
We are Jewish and she is not. I thought it might be better if she came Christmas night. I did not want her to work Christmas Eve and then have to sleep Christmas day. She said that she was always done with her family Christmas dinner by 8 pm. We agreed she would come to our house between 10:00 pm and 10:30 pm on Christmas night. Evan and I were so excited that sleep seemed to be in our future.
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