Sawyer’s Story (part 4): Nights

December 24, 2010 at 9:24 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 5 Comments
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Sawyer was such a good baby.  He was 8 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so he could go 3 hours between feedings almost immediately.  He had started to go 4 hours between feedings when he was 4 weeks old.  Sawyer did get up in the middle of the night like most other newborns.  Sawyer slept in a bassinet in our room.  He would cry and I would get up.  I would feed and change him.  Evan would often help with changing Sawyer and then bring him to me to feed.  Unlike with the twins, there was no other baby on deck waiting to be changed or fed.  It was just Sawyer. 

I know I was not always super excited getting up in the middle of the night with Sawyer.  I was tired.  I was cold.  I had night sweats and would wake up soaking.  I would quickly change before feeding Sawyer.  After Sawyer died, I still had the nights sweats.  I would still wake up soaking.  I still thought I heard his cries but they were mine.

As I left off in this post, Evan and I were trying to figure out options that would allow us to get some more sleep.  We had a night nurse with the twins.  We were very lucky when the twins were born my grandfather and one set of Evan’s parents gave us the gift of having a night nurse.  It did not even cross our minds to consider having a night nurse with Sawyer.  After twins we felt like we could handle one newborn with no problems.  And we did.  Until the twins got sick and were getting up along with Sawyer.

Evan came up with the brilliant idea to call one of the night nurses who helped us with the twins.  The one we called is very good and always very booked.  I figured that she might have an available night in February.  However, when I called she had a free night that week!  She wanted to work either Christmas Eve or Christmas night. 

We are Jewish and she is not.  I thought it might be better if she came Christmas night.  I did not want her to work Christmas Eve and then have to sleep Christmas day.  She said that she was always done with her family Christmas dinner by 8 pm.  We agreed she would come to our house between 10:00 pm and 10:30 pm on Christmas night.  Evan and I were so excited that sleep seemed to be in our future.


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  1. Thinking of you all during this time, more than ever. Hoping you can feel those not with you, but sending all their love.

  2. Agh… i want to change the end of this story. Thinking about you so much these days. xo

  3. Thinking of you and praying for you.

  4. Our thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

  5. Thinking about you not only today, but always!!! Sending strength your way.


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