Look for the Happy

May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life | 5 Comments
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On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.

Author Unknown

A very happy Birthday to my brother!

1972

And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!

image

our kids

May 20, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Posted in life, Love | 3 Comments
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Over the years one of the twins has drawn different versions of our family portrait.  This is her latest creation that she drew a few weekends ago at the March of Dimes’ March for Babies.

March of Dimes 2015 - art

Her imagination of what Jake and Sawyer would look like makes me happy and so does she and her twin brother.

 

 

March of Dimes’ March for Babies

May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life, Love | 4 Comments
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Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us.  In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease.  Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.

March of Dimes 2015 - memorial garden

Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years.  We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

Still Marching

May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life, Love | 1 Comment
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This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past.  Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey.  After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides.  This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend.  Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.  I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.

I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.

Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years.  Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds.  We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity.   Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.

Fine Tuning

April 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Grief, life | 4 Comments
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quote -sails-quote

The other day was kindergarten round-up (the “orientation” for rising kindergarteners).  Sawyer would be have been 5 in November and he should have been there that day getting a tour of the school he should be starting next school year.

I know that I am not supposed to grow him up in my mind but sometimes I find myself wondering anyway.

My therapist suggested that I slightly adjusting my thinking – kind of like those radio dials we used to turn until the station came in more clearly.  For example, one of the twins goes to a doctor in the medical building attached to the hospital where Sawyer died.  One day Evan was going instead of me.  He had not been there yet so he asked me to clarify which building.  There are a lot of medical buildings in that area so I tried my best to explain but was not making any progress.  Finally, I said “remember the turn around where we waited the night Sawyer died?”  He got it – and knew exactly where to go for the appointment.

If I adjust this conversation slightly in the future instead of giving directions that involve “where we waited the night Sawyer died” I can say “where we park for the doctor.”

This August Sawyer would have started kindergarten (it would have been Jake’s 10th birthday and the 10th anniversary of his death but I am not going to think about that today).  Last week was kindergarten round-up.  Sawyer was not there.  He will not be there on the first day of school.   I am trying to adjust my thinking but I am still working on the fine tuning.

my updated new normal

April 2, 2015 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 5 Comments
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I am still working on my spring resolutions but sometimes while I am busy focusing on the present, the past sneaks in.  I have recently realized that the past is part of my new normal.  People who meet our family now may or might not know that Jake and Sawyer existed.  If they are people who we see regularly or the twins play with I am never quite sure if they know.  The twins could have spoken about their brothers.  Someone else could have told them.  Or maybe they are a neighbor who saw the ambulance and police at our house that awful night that Sawyer died.

I have found myself telling those people – the friends and acquaintances – about our other 2 children.   It feels like the right thing to do.  No more guess work.  No more pretending.   Once I have shared Jake and Sawyer’s story I can be a better mom to all 4 of our children.

quote - Elizabeth Edwards

New Beginnings

March 20, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 Comments
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Today is the first day of spring.  I know that resolutions are usually made at New Years but I have a few I would like to make right now.  I am going to try to do the following:

1.  Focus on the present

2.  Not to concentrate on things which are out of my control

3.  Look for happiness

quote - today is a gift

Buddha’s Stories

March 12, 2015 at 9:58 am | Posted in Grief | Leave a comment

amourningmom:

I know that dark days are a part of life. I know I have survived them before but recently I have forgotten how exactly I managed to get through some of those days. So, I looked back to a March 4 years ago and reread this Buddha story. It helped me then so I am hoping it will help me now.

Originally posted on A Mourning Mom:

I have been having trouble writing.  In fact, I have had trouble concentrating on anything at all.  I know this is partly because I cannot seem to get the twins back on a normal schedule.  I do not know if they are off because we have been away, daylight savings time or a stomach bug.  Regardless of the reason, there have been some bumpy days (and nights) at our house.

In one of my attempts to avoid the meltdowns of 2 cranky 3 year olds I grabbed a book.  It turned out to be the Kindness A Treasury of Buddhist Wisdom for Children and Parents by Sarah Conover.  We were sent many books after Jake and then after Sawyer died.  At the time I could not read most of those books.  However, the other afternoon I found myself reading these short stories to the twins.  One of the stories was about a woman named Kisa Gotami.  The following…

View original 280 more words

i hope someone finds a cure for cancer

March 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life, Love | 8 Comments
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quotes - i hate cancer

Not too long after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer.  One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s deaths, you would think handling death would somehow be easier (or at least not so damn hard).  I feel like I should have some wise words – or some magic way to protect others from living without their loved ones.  I am just not sure such magic exists.  Rationally, I know that death is part of life and that we will all die at some point but dealing with it is not easy.  Maybe it is not supposed to be easy.  If it were easy than it would mean we did not care for or love the person.

The cousin’s wife who died recently was only in her forties and they have young children.  It is not fair that their children have to grow up without their mother.  I know, no one ever promised that life would be fair – but I wish it could be (even if only for a little while).

quote - love

Happy Valentines Day

February 14, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Grief | 2 Comments
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Sending smiles from us.  Hope you all have the best day possible!

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