New Beginnings

March 20, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 Comments
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Today is the first day of spring.  I know that resolutions are usually made at New Years but I have a few I would like to make right now.  I am going to try to do the following:

1.  Focus on the present

2.  Not concentrate on things which are not in my control

3.  Look for happiness

quote - today is a gift

Buddha’s Stories

March 12, 2015 at 9:58 am | Posted in Grief | Leave a comment

amourningmom:

I know that dark days are a part of life. I know I have survived them before but recently I have forgotten how exactly I managed to get through some of those days. So, I looked back to a March 4 years ago and reread this Buddha story. It helped me then so I am hoping it will help me now.

Originally posted on A Mourning Mom:

I have been having trouble writing.  In fact, I have had trouble concentrating on anything at all.  I know this is partly because I cannot seem to get the twins back on a normal schedule.  I do not know if they are off because we have been away, daylight savings time or a stomach bug.  Regardless of the reason, there have been some bumpy days (and nights) at our house.

In one of my attempts to avoid the meltdowns of 2 cranky 3 year olds I grabbed a book.  It turned out to be the Kindness A Treasury of Buddhist Wisdom for Children and Parents by Sarah Conover.  We were sent many books after Jake and then after Sawyer died.  At the time I could not read most of those books.  However, the other afternoon I found myself reading these short stories to the twins.  One of the stories was about a woman named Kisa Gotami.  The following…

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i hope someone finds a cure for cancer

March 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life, Love | 7 Comments
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quotes - i hate cancer

Not too long after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer.  One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s deaths, you would think handling death would somehow be easier (or at least not so damn hard).  I feel like I should have some wise words – or some magic way to protect others from living without their loved ones.  I am just not sure such magic exists.  Rationally, I know that death is part of life and that we will all die at some point but dealing with it is not easy.  Maybe it is not supposed to be easy.  If it were easy than it would mean we did not care for or love the person.

The cousin’s wife who died recently was only in her forties and they have young children.  It is not fair that their children have to grow up without their mother.  I know, no one ever promised that life would be fair – but I wish it could be (even if only for a little while).

quote - love

Happy Valentines Day

February 14, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Grief | 2 Comments
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Sending smiles from us.  Hope you all have the best day possible!

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almost (but not really) fun(ny) Friday & an idea

January 30, 2015 at 5:40 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 4 Comments
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If you have ever talked to me or read this blog you know that getting Jake and Sawyer’s headstones correct has not been easy.  In fact we have yet to accomplish it.  So this week when the incredibly nice lady from the cemetery called no one should have been surprised that the new headstones arrived and they are not right.  In fact she did not call Evan until she had already sent them back to the manufacturer.  When Evan  called to tell me the news, it made my head hurt but I also kind of felt like laughing . . .which stage of grief have I entered into now?

On a completely unrelated note (or maybe it is related after all because it is all out of my control!)  I feel like the world is falling apart.  The Middle East, school shootings, starving children – all so out of my control (kind of like the headstones – the deaths of Jake and Sawyer).  It makes me feel very helpless.  I want to be able to do something.

Awhile ago Evan thought up/or read about an idea to help the homeless.  Here in Atlanta, we spend A LOT of time driving around.  At stop lights there are often homeless people asking for money.

Evan, the twins and I put together bags with the following items:

Tissues
Band aids
Hand sanitizer
Socks
Peanut butter packs
Granola/protein bars
Water

Evan and I leave the bags in our cars.  When we see a homeless person we give them a bag.

It may not solve the problems in the Middle East or get us any closer to knowing Sawyer’s cause of death but it is at least doing something.

baby steps

January 28, 2015 at 7:36 pm | Posted in Grief | 13 Comments
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quote - ernest hemingway

The other day I was alone with a baby. I have not been alone with a baby since my days with Sawyer.

Our neighbor’s baby boy had heart surgery the first week of January.  He is home now and doing great.  I offered to help.  The mom asked if i could stay with the baby while she picked up her other sons from preschool.  As she placed the baby in my arms I silently told myself “I can do this.”  I held him the entire time his mom was gone and I watched his every breath.  He might have almost smiled at me.  My neighbor came home, I placed him back in her arms and agreed to come watch him another day. I did it!

my rainbow catcher

January 16, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 Comments
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Some days it is hard to find rainbows.  I wanted to share the one we found today with you all.

rainbow

 

Missing Sawyer (today and always)

December 30, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 10 Comments
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quote - I love you to everywhere and back Sawyer,
No matter what calendar I look at or how I calculate it you have now been gone for 5 years.  According to the secular/American calendar Friday was your deathiversary.  The Jewish calendar says that tonight starts your yahrzeit.

I have run out of calendars and calculations that allow me to avoid the 5th anniversary of your death.  Over the years I have tried to outrun my feelings by being ridiculously busy.  I have tried going away and staying home.   It does not make a difference, no matter where I am or how busy I might be you are always with me.  And so are my feelings. . .

I am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you.  I am angry that you are not here with us.  I am frustrated that we may never know the cause of your death.  I am heartbroken that your father and I can no longer take care of you and watch you grow up with your older brother and sister.

I love you and miss you.

Sawyer

 

getting through the days

December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life, Love, Sawyer | 2 Comments
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quote - different face

Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen.  I cannot change the fact that he is dead.  I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).

P.S. Neis means miracle.

One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week.  You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .

I hope these make you smile too.

Holiday Hope

December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life, Love | 4 Comments
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I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays.  I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.

One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card.  Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season.  It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.

Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all.   She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive.  She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.

I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.

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