Fabulous Friday

June 26, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life, Love | 3 Comments
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I am trying to stick to my spring resolution of looking for happiness.  It is not always easy but I did not have to look very far today because when I went to write this post this is what I saw on WordPress:

hurray

How fantastic is it that the Supreme Court ruled today to legalize gay marriage nationwide?! And it is great that WordPress is helping to celebrate the good news.

Other, more local, happy moments I found are the following:

  •  I am always joking that I wish I could wrap the twins up in bubble wrap to protect them from the world.  Well, the other weekend they wrapped themselves up. . .

Bubble Wrap

 

  • Did you know that there are shirts with built-in chest protectors?  I learned about them this week.  The twins went to baseball camp and came home asking for shirts to protect their hearts.  How could I not get them?

Heart Protectors

Hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!

I still hate cancer

June 18, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief, life | 2 Comments
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I am once again silent and stuck. I am hoping that writing helps.  My amazing cousin’s mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and her heart is failing.

My amazing cousin’s mom and my mom are first cousins.  I am heartbroken for my cousins, my mom and the fact that I feel so helpless.

quote - love never fails

the sun and the earth

June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life | 4 Comments
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The twins finished school on May 22nd.  Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).

The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade.  They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten.  The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.

I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten.  I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.

So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter.  When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees.  I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time.  It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.

quote - hafiz-sun

Look for the Happy

May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life | 6 Comments
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On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.

Author Unknown

A very happy Birthday to my brother!

1972

And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!

image

our kids

May 20, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Posted in life, Love | 3 Comments
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Over the years one of the twins has drawn different versions of our family portrait.  This is her latest creation that she drew a few weekends ago at the March of Dimes’ March for Babies.

March of Dimes 2015 - art

Her imagination of what Jake and Sawyer would look like makes me happy and so does she and her twin brother.

 

 

March of Dimes’ March for Babies

May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life, Love | 4 Comments
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Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us.  In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease.  Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.

March of Dimes 2015 - memorial garden

Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years.  We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

Still Marching

May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life, Love | 1 Comment
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This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past.  Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey.  After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides.  This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend.  Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.  I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.

I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.

Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years.  Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds.  We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity.   Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.

Fine Tuning

April 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Grief, life | 5 Comments
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quote -sails-quote

The other day was kindergarten round-up (the “orientation” for rising kindergarteners).  Sawyer would be have been 5 in November and he should have been there that day getting a tour of the school he should be starting next school year.

I know that I am not supposed to grow him up in my mind but sometimes I find myself wondering anyway.

My therapist suggested that I slightly adjusting my thinking – kind of like those radio dials we used to turn until the station came in more clearly.  For example, one of the twins goes to a doctor in the medical building attached to the hospital where Sawyer died.  One day Evan was going instead of me.  He had not been there yet so he asked me to clarify which building.  There are a lot of medical buildings in that area so I tried my best to explain but was not making any progress.  Finally, I said “remember the turn around where we waited the night Sawyer died?”  He got it – and knew exactly where to go for the appointment.

If I adjust this conversation slightly in the future instead of giving directions that involve “where we waited the night Sawyer died” I can say “where we park for the doctor.”

This August Sawyer would have started kindergarten (it would have been Jake’s 10th birthday and the 10th anniversary of his death but I am not going to think about that today).  Last week was kindergarten round-up.  Sawyer was not there.  He will not be there on the first day of school.   I am trying to adjust my thinking but I am still working on the fine tuning.

my updated new normal

April 2, 2015 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 5 Comments
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I am still working on my spring resolutions but sometimes while I am busy focusing on the present, the past sneaks in.  I have recently realized that the past is part of my new normal.  People who meet our family now may or might not know that Jake and Sawyer existed.  If they are people who we see regularly or the twins play with I am never quite sure if they know.  The twins could have spoken about their brothers.  Someone else could have told them.  Or maybe they are a neighbor who saw the ambulance and police at our house that awful night that Sawyer died.

I have found myself telling those people – the friends and acquaintances – about our other 2 children.   It feels like the right thing to do.  No more guess work.  No more pretending.   Once I have shared Jake and Sawyer’s story I can be a better mom to all 4 of our children.

quote - Elizabeth Edwards

New Beginnings

March 20, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 Comments
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Today is the first day of spring.  I know that resolutions are usually made at New Years but I have a few I would like to make right now.  I am going to try to do the following:

1.  Focus on the present

2.  Not to concentrate on things which are out of my control

3.  Look for happiness

quote - today is a gift

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