baby steps

January 28, 2015 at 7:36 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 Comments
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quote - ernest hemingway

The other day I was alone with a baby. I have not been alone with a baby since my days with Sawyer.

Our neighbor’s baby boy had heart surgery the first week of January.  He is home now and doing great.  I offered to help.  The mom asked if i could stay with the baby while she picked up her other sons from preschool.  As she placed the baby in my arms I silently told myself “I can do this.”  I held him the entire time his mom was gone and I watched his every breath.  He might have almost smiled at me.  My neighbor came home, I placed him back in her arms and agreed to come watch him another day. I did it!

my rainbow catcher

January 16, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 Comments
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Some days it is hard to find rainbows.  I wanted to share the one we found today with you all.

rainbow

 

Missing Sawyer (today and always)

December 30, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 10 Comments
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quote - I love you to everywhere and back Sawyer,
No matter what calendar I look at or how I calculate it you have now been gone for 5 years.  According to the secular/American calendar Friday was your deathiversary.  The Jewish calendar says that tonight starts your yahrzeit.

I have run out of calendars and calculations that allow me to avoid the 5th anniversary of your death.  Over the years I have tried to outrun my feelings by being ridiculously busy.  I have tried going away and staying home.   It does not make a difference, no matter where I am or how busy I might be you are always with me.  And so are my feelings. . .

I am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you.  I am angry that you are not here with us.  I am frustrated that we may never know the cause of your death.  I am heartbroken that your father and I can no longer take care of you and watch you grow up with your older brother and sister.

I love you and miss you.

Sawyer

 

getting through the days

December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life, Love, Sawyer | 2 Comments
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quote - different face

Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen.  I cannot change the fact that he is dead.  I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).

P.S. Neis means miracle.

One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week.  You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .

I hope these make you smile too.

Holiday Hope

December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life, Love | 4 Comments
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I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays.  I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.

One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card.  Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season.  It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.

Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all.   She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive.  She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.

I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.

December 14

December 12, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life, Love | 3 Comments
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quote - hope and light

This Sunday, December 14th, is the 2nd year anniversary of the unthinkable day at Sandy Hook elementary school. Twenty children and 6 educators were shot and killed.

This Sunday is also the Worldwide Candle Lighting created by The Compassionate Friends.  The purpose of the event is to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.”

At 7 pm around the globe candles will be lit to create “a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.”  The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died.  Its founder, Simon Stephens, states the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope.”

WCL+2014

Thankful 2014

December 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm | Posted in life, Love | 2 Comments
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I know Thanksgiving was last week but. . .

Thankful+Mindset

Hope that you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”

November 20, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 9 Comments
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I have previously written about being asked “How many children do you have?”  Over the years, I have different responses to this question.  It may always be a tricky question for me to answer or maybe one day I will come up with the perfect response.  I will let you know.

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question.  They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated.

The other day on the playground a classmate asked one of the twins, “Do you have any brothers and sisters?”

She answered, “Yes, I have a twin brother and my 2 other brothers, Jake and Sawyer, passed away. ”

The second grade little boy answered, “Jake and Sawyer probably passed away to get away from you.”

Our little girl walked away.  She is not perfect, she has and will say mean things at times too.  I wish I could protect all of my children all the time.  Jake and Sawyer have taught me that I cannot.  As much as I hate it, there are things beyond my control.  I am going to do my best to teach kindness to the 2 who are physically with us.

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Five

November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 9 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.

I still cannot believe that you are not here with us.  Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare.  However, you are gone and this is our reality.  You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take.  I just wish there were more.

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I miss you so much.  Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!  As always, I will look for you in my dreams.

 

Faith?

November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life | 7 Comments
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After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan.  Evan told him that he was very angry.  The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.

The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time.  He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral.  The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son.  Tragically, the next child of this couple dies.  And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”

The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?”  The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.

My initial response to this story was, “why us?  Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders?  Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?”   Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed.  I know that we cannot have Sawyer back.  I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory.  Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why.  I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa

 

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