The Happy and The Sad

August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life, Love | 10 Comments
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The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash.  Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day.  I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.

At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake.  The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral.  And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.

Family Picture - August 27, 2005

Family Picture – August 27, 2005

 

Dear Jake

August 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 Comments
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Dear Jake,

today you would have been 9.  do you know how much we miss you?  i do not have the right words at the moment to tell you.  in fact my words and thoughts have been stuck for awhile. i guess you know this already.

i just want to tell you happy birthday baby boy.  love and miss you so very much. xoxo

Comment for a Cause

August 10, 2014 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 1 Comment
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Jake’s 9th birthday would/should have been later this week.  I am not sure that we will ever know why Jake left us so soon but I do know that Evan and I would have done anything we could have to prevent it from happening.

Unlike Jake, every twenty seconds, a child dies from a vaccine-preventable disease. Every twenty seconds, more parents are living in a world without their child/children. I do not want any parent to lose a child to a preventable disease because they did not have access to a medication.

Heather Spohr has partnered with Shot@Life, a campaign of the United Nations Foundation, to help provide life-saving vaccines where they are most needed. For every comment on Heather Spohr’s Post “A Chance For Health” or social share post received during the month of August, Walgreens will donate a vaccine to a child in need around the world. 

Every child deserves the opportunity to have happy and healthy firsts.  For Jake’s 9th birthday please consider clicking on this link and commenting on Heather’s post .  Every comment gives another vaccine to a child who needs and wants one.

 

So, this happened in the last week. . .

August 4, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in life, Love | 6 Comments
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these 2 turned 7 and they started 2nd grade!

twins are 7!!

I am beyond grateful that I am their mama.

 

Ansley’s Angel Day

July 16, 2014 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief | 3 Comments
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Glennon Melton, public speaker, author and writer of the blog Momastery, wrote the other day about a mother named Jessica and her daughter Ansley.  Ansley died on July 14, 2007.  No one talks to Jessica about Ansley.  Jessica feels like her daughter has been forgotten and that the “world is pretending she never existed.”  Glennon writes about it much more eloquently than I can in her post “This is how you stop the world.”

I wish that Jessica did not have to live in a world without her daughter.  I am so very sad that Ansley died.   She will not be forgotten.

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

                                            – – – Author Unknown

 

 

i cannot believe i am writing about this again. . .

June 30, 2014 at 10:50 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, Jake, life, Sawyer | 5 Comments
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Back in November the very kind cemetery people replaced Jake and Sawyer’s headstones. Jake’s headstone has now been replaced 4 times and Sawyer’s has been replaced 3 times.  All seemed fine with the new ones. . .until a few weeks ago.

It has been raining a lot here in Atlanta so I thought maybe there were just water stains on the nameplates.  I finally asked Evan what he thought about the stains.  He said he would call the cemetery people.  They went to check and the coating/finish is peeling off the nameplates.  I am not sure how to feel about this – it sort of seems like a cruel joke.  Should I cry?  Should I laugh?  Could the nameplates really need to be replaced again?  Or, maybe Jake and Sawyer are just playing tricks or trying to give us something to worry about.

The very kind people at the cemetery are looking into it and will let us know.  I will keep reminding myself that nothing is hurting Jake or Sawyer.  There is no urgency to get this fixed.  It might not be according to my plan but the world will keep spinning.

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White

 


how do you live in a world without your child/children?

June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life, Love | 5 Comments
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I honestly do not know.  I feel like after Jake and then Sawyer died I should have some words of wisdom.  . .but I don’t.

I find myself looking at other parents.  Wondering what it would be like to watch all of your children grow up.  I know that everyone has their own tragedies – they are different but difficult all the same.  I know that I am lucky to have the privilege of being a parent to each of my children and to have held them (even if for only a short time).

Time does not make it better – just different.

I do not believe that Jake and Sawyer are in “a better place.”  I do not know where they are but I wish it were with us.

I know that there is not a path to “get over” the death of your child/children.  It is not the same for everyone.   Some of us do not talk about our children at all.  Some of us advocate for a cure for their cause of death.  Some of us write about them.  All of us want our children to be remembered.

quote - teach the world about my child

 

The End of the School Year & Everything in Between

May 20, 2014 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 3 Comments
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This Friday is the last day of school for the twins!  It does not seem that long ago that they started 1st grade.  I try to enjoy the moments with the twins.  Moments I know that I will never have with Jake or Sawyer.  The Mother’s Day teas, the musical performances, the recitals, field days and the end of school year parties.  However, I find myself in a panic this time of year.  There is so much happening – all at the exact same time.

“Did I forget to dress them in the right color for their musical?”

“Did we remember to bring in the teacher appreciation card?”

“Did we make the teacher appreciation card?”

“How did we forget her glasses again this morning?”

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I feel guilty about not enjoying ever single moment (all the ones that I will miss with Jake and Sawyer).  I want the twins to be healthy, happy and grow up.

This week I looked around at some of the other parents – I saw the dazed looks on their faces.  They are all in this end of the school year craziness too.  I am not sure they are enjoying all of this end of the school year madness either.  I want to appreciate all the moments I have with the twins.   I think I will  have to expand my definition of appreciation to include the happy, the sad, the chaotic and everything in between.

quote - keep-calm-school-is-almost-over

 

 

 

Return to Zero – Breaking the Silence

May 16, 2014 at 7:26 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 Comments
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Return to Zero premiers May 17th (tomorrow) on Lifetime at 8 pm/7pm central.   This is the first movie made about the stillbirth of a child.   The mission of the film is to break the silence surrounding stillbirth, miscarriage and neonatal death.

“The impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family, and friends is devastating — a shock-wave of pain, guilt and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

While planning to entertain and enlighten all audiences with a dramatic tale of the strength and resilience of the human spirit, RETURN TO ZERO intends to break through the silence and become a beacon of cinematic light to the millions in search of answers, understanding and healing.”

Unlike the new show Resurrection, I know that I will be watching Return to Zero.

Dear Mother’s Day Angels

May 12, 2014 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 7 Comments
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Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you both, but some days are harder than others.  Mother’s Day is one of those days.  Logically it is just another day.  You are both gone every. single. day.  It is not like the first days, weeks and months after you died when the tears so often streamed down my face without me even realizing.  Now most of the time my tears are tucked farther away.   The sadness and the joy of loving you both is a part of me.

I know I am not alone.  There are so many other mothers in this club with me.  There are motherless mothers, motherless fathers and those who have just lost.  Death is part of life.  And no matter how hard some days can be life goes on.

I like to believe that you both send things my way to make certain days (like Mother’s Day) easier for me.  I wanted to thank you both for quite a few of those things this year.

  • Thank you for your amazing brother and sister.  They make me so very happy, except when they don’t (see 2nd bullet).
  • Thank you especially for helping us find your sister when she ran away the first and SECOND time yesterday.  One time she really had to go to the bathroom and the other time she thought she was being funny.  Neither your dad or I laughed AT ALL.
  • Thank you for making me smile when your dad and I were given a “gift bag” when we visited you at the cemetery.  I guess they had the Mother’s Day cookout last year so the cemetery marketing people this year opted for gift bags. . .

gift bag

  • Thank you for showing me hope on days that are especially hard to find it.  I found another “hope” telephone pole on my running route yesterday!

Hope

 

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