99!!

August 30, 2011 at 11:51 am | Posted in silver lining | 7 Comments
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August is a bittersweet rollercoaster for me.  Luckily, it always ends with a happy day.  My grandfather’s birthday.  He is 99!!   I just want to wish him a very happy birthday.

Another Anniversary

August 27, 2011 at 9:58 am | Posted in Grief, mourning | 11 Comments
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Six years ago at 6:14 am today, Evan and I held Jake for the first and last time.

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I recently saw The Help, which in case you have not read the book or seen the movie, it is really about Mississippi in the early 1960’s. However, one of the main characters, Aibileen’s son died 3 years before the book began.

“After I spent a year dreading it. . .” the anniversary of his death finally comes. In the movie I think Aibileen said something like “I have trouble breathing today but to everyone else it is just another day to play bridge.”

“Three years just ain’t long enough. A hundred years ain’t gonna be long enough.”  I could not agree with her more – 6 years is not long enough.  I will miss Jake forever.

It is just another day. The world without Jake continues. Life goes on, as it must.

A Person is a Person

August 24, 2011 at 10:50 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 Comments
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“A person is a person, no matter how small.”
– – Dr. Seuss

Jake weighed into this world at 2 lbs. and 14 ozs.  Not a big guy but a fighter.  According to the secular calendar, nearly 6 years ago Jake’s heroic struggle ended. Jake gave it everything he had, and we were and still are so proud of him. Sometimes the challenges you face in life are simply too much.

According to the Jewish calendar, the anniversary of Jake’s death was 2 days ago.  The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.  Evan and I lit a Yahrzeit candle.  We said the mourner’s kaddish.  After all the times I have said this prayer I still cannot seem to memorize it.  Perhaps it is because I am usually crying.  Perhaps it is a mental block.  Whatever.  We thought about Jake.

I will light another candle for Jake in a few days.  I have my own tradition of lighting Yahrzeit candles on both the Jewish and secular anniversaries.  I will just call it the mourning mom’s calendar.

Luckily, the Cat in the Hat and Fancy Nancy were visiting the Princess and the Cowboy this weekend and kept everyone busy.

Note:  The Power Ranger costume was in the wash so the cowboy costume filled in for the moment. . .

August & Awkward Appointments (part 2)

August 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, pregnancy, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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As I wrote about previously in this post, doctor’s appointments can at times be awkward.  I am not a big fan of the forms that you have to fill out about your medical history.  I understand why they are necessary but I truly dislike listing the birth and death dates of Jake and Sawyer.  The OB forms do not even have enough lines for me to write all of the complications before and after pregnancy that we have had.  I am sure one day these forms will not bother me but today they do.

The twins had their 4-year-old check up today.  A new nurse came to get us from the waiting room.  As she brought us into the room she asked me, “Are you expecting company?”  I looked at the twins and Evan and thought to myself, “how many more people can we fit in this tiny exam room?”  And, who else would I be expecting?  Then the nurse looked at my stomach and repeated the question.  My quizzical look turned to horror.  Really, is she really asking me if I am pregnant?   Yes, she did.

That question is emotion-packed.   The times when I answered yes to that question – thoughts of being pregnant with Jake, the twins and Sawyer.  The realization that my stomach apparently still has a pregnancy pouch.  Or, maybe I just made an unfortunate outfit choice.

The nurse was reading over our medical charts as my mind was still racing.  I could see in her eyes that she had just read about Sawyer, Jake or maybe both.  She looked at me and apologizes.

Overall the day was a success.  One outfit for Good Will.  Two healthy twins.  Three weeks down in August.  Four beautiful children.

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Just Jake

August 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, mourning, parents, silver lining | 21 Comments
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Dear Jake,
I cannot believe that you would have been 6 years old today.  In some ways it seems like so long ago since I held you and in some ways it feels like last week.  I have so much to thank you for and I do not think I have ever told you.

First, I would like to thank you for choosing us to be your parents.   I remember running downstairs after taking the pregnancy test and seeing the positive result.  I could not wait to tell your dad.  I was completely filled with joy.  I have not been truly happy since that day.  Do not take this the wrong way, I have been happy.  It is just a different kind of happy and it is often bittersweet.  That wonderful March day I was just so blissfully unaware of the tragedies that life could and would bring.

Second, you made me understand how short and precious life really is.  You showed me in your brief time with me how pure and simple love can be.

Lastly (at least for now), I want to thank you for the strength you have given me.  It is difficult for me to explain but the night your youngest brother Sawyer died you are who was with me.  In the emergency room, you are the one who held me up in the hallway.  I am sure without you I would not have been able to stand let alone walk.  I kept telling myself if I could live in a world without you, I could and would somehow find a way to live without Sawyer.

I wish that we were having a birthday party with you today.  We are not.  Perhaps you are having a cosmic celebration with your little brother, your Mom Mom and your great-grandmother.   Whatever you are doing please know how much I love and miss you.

August Attire?

August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October.  Halloween to be specific.  The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.

 

The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken.  Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.

It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months.  I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.

 “One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb

Sawyer’s Sock

August 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 Comments
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I walked back into our room the morning that Sawyer died.  In the middle of the floor was a single sock.  I had changed him out of that pair of socks before he went to sleep.

I had dropped the sock the night before.  The other sock, along with the rest of Sawyer’s and the twin’s laundry had all been washed.

I have a confession.  I carry this sock around with me.  I have had it with me since that awful day Sawyer died.  One day I lost it at the playground.  I frantically went back to search for it and luckily found it.  Today I forgot the sock.  I called home and asked Evan to make sure that I had not lost it.  He sent me the picture above of the sock in my drawer.   I forgot my wallet today too but that is a different story.

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That
myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for
grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.

Robert Fulghum

I so miss those sweet little feet  . . .

Time Can be Tricky (part 3)

July 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 4 Comments
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I have written about time in this post and this one, and I am once again questioning how it can possibly be August in 2 days.  August is filled with bittersweet birthdays and anniversaries.  It comes every year.  I know it is right after July but somehow this year it snuck up on me.  I feel like summer just began and snap it is almost August. 

It will be ok.  We will get through this time of year just like we have in the past.  There are just ups and downs.  I will try to focus on the good days but I know there will be hard days ahead. 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. . . Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Thanks to the twins

July 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, SIDS, twins | 14 Comments
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Thanks to the twins I have to get up every morning.  After Jake died, there were days I did not see the point in getting out of bed. 

Four months after Jake’s death, Evan and I spoke to a neighbor who had 2 older boys and a 3 month old baby girl who died.  As Evan and I spoke to the parents about the death of their daughter, the 2 little boys were running around us.

As we walked away from their house I thought about how I could cry all day and go on long walks.  I thought how much harder it must be for them to have to get up every day and take care of 2 other children while grieving for another.  And, if I am honest with myself I envied that they had other children at home as we walked back to our empty house.

The birth of the twins did not make me forget Jake but my life became much busier.  My grief for Jake became a part of me and helped me to (hopefully) be a better mother to the twins.

The morning after Sawyer died our house was not empty.  The twins were home waiting for us to take care of them.  I cannot compare Sawyer’s death and Jake’s death at all.  However, after Sawyer died I had to get myself together and take care of the twins.  I cried as I changed their diapers, fed them and put them to bed but I did it.

The twins have no idea how grateful I am they were born and are alive.  I tell them all the time how much I love them and how lucky I am to be their mom but I do not have the words to express how important they are to me.  I hope they do not feel the weight of my world on their little legs.

Happy Birthday!!

 

Anytime, Anywhere

July 26, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents | 6 Comments
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One of the main reasons I started to write this blog was my hope to help others with their difficult journeys.  I have already written that I do not have magic words of wisdom to heal the pain of bereaved parents.  I came across a letter written by a pediatric nurse which was published by Ann Landers.  I found it helpful so I thought I would pass it along. . .

An Open Letter to Bereaved Parents

I won’t say, “I know how you feel” — because I don’t. I’ve lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends, but I’ve never lost a child. So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won’t say, “You’ll get over it” — because you never will. Life will, however, have to go on. The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine. The chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there.

I won’t say, “Your other children will be a comfort to you” — because they may not be. Many mothers I’ve talked to say that after they have lost a child, they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they’re alive and healthy, when the other child is not.

I won’t say,“Never mind, you’re young enough to have another baby” — because that won’t help. A new baby cannot replace the one you’ve lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, give you sleepless nights. But it will never replace the one you’ve lost.

Your may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don’t know what else to say. You will find out who your true friends are at this time. Many will avoid you because they can’t face you. Others will talk about the weather, the holidays and the school concert but never about your child. Never about how you are coping.

So what will I say?

I will say, “I’m here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.” I’ll cry with you if need be. I’ll talk about your loved one. We’ll laugh about the good memories. I won’t mind how long you grieve. I won’t tell you to pull yourself together.

No, I don’t know how you feel — but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And maybe you will feel comfortable with me and find your burden eased. Try me.
Written by Linda Sawley, pediatric nurse; published by Ann Landers

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