August & Awkward Appointments (part 2)

August 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, pregnancy, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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As I wrote about previously in this post, doctor’s appointments can at times be awkward.  I am not a big fan of the forms that you have to fill out about your medical history.  I understand why they are necessary but I truly dislike listing the birth and death dates of Jake and Sawyer.  The OB forms do not even have enough lines for me to write all of the complications before and after pregnancy that we have had.  I am sure one day these forms will not bother me but today they do.

The twins had their 4-year-old check up today.  A new nurse came to get us from the waiting room.  As she brought us into the room she asked me, “Are you expecting company?”  I looked at the twins and Evan and thought to myself, “how many more people can we fit in this tiny exam room?”  And, who else would I be expecting?  Then the nurse looked at my stomach and repeated the question.  My quizzical look turned to horror.  Really, is she really asking me if I am pregnant?   Yes, she did.

That question is emotion-packed.   The times when I answered yes to that question – thoughts of being pregnant with Jake, the twins and Sawyer.  The realization that my stomach apparently still has a pregnancy pouch.  Or, maybe I just made an unfortunate outfit choice.

The nurse was reading over our medical charts as my mind was still racing.  I could see in her eyes that she had just read about Sawyer, Jake or maybe both.  She looked at me and apologizes.

Overall the day was a success.  One outfit for Good Will.  Two healthy twins.  Three weeks down in August.  Four beautiful children.

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August Attire?

August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October.  Halloween to be specific.  The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.

 

The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken.  Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.

It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months.  I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.

 “One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb

Sawyer’s Sock

August 4, 2011 at 9:48 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 6 Comments
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I walked back into our room the morning that Sawyer died.  In the middle of the floor was a single sock.  I had changed him out of that pair of socks before he went to sleep.

I had dropped the sock the night before.  The other sock, along with the rest of Sawyer’s and the twin’s laundry had all been washed.

I have a confession.  I carry this sock around with me.  I have had it with me since that awful day Sawyer died.  One day I lost it at the playground.  I frantically went back to search for it and luckily found it.  Today I forgot the sock.  I called home and asked Evan to make sure that I had not lost it.  He sent me the picture above of the sock in my drawer.   I forgot my wallet today too but that is a different story.

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That
myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for
grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.

Robert Fulghum

I so miss those sweet little feet  . . .

Time Can be Tricky (part 3)

July 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 4 Comments
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I have written about time in this post and this one, and I am once again questioning how it can possibly be August in 2 days.  August is filled with bittersweet birthdays and anniversaries.  It comes every year.  I know it is right after July but somehow this year it snuck up on me.  I feel like summer just began and snap it is almost August. 

It will be ok.  We will get through this time of year just like we have in the past.  There are just ups and downs.  I will try to focus on the good days but I know there will be hard days ahead. 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. . . Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter

Thanks to the twins

July 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents, SIDS, twins | 14 Comments
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Thanks to the twins I have to get up every morning.  After Jake died, there were days I did not see the point in getting out of bed. 

Four months after Jake’s death, Evan and I spoke to a neighbor who had 2 older boys and a 3 month old baby girl who died.  As Evan and I spoke to the parents about the death of their daughter, the 2 little boys were running around us.

As we walked away from their house I thought about how I could cry all day and go on long walks.  I thought how much harder it must be for them to have to get up every day and take care of 2 other children while grieving for another.  And, if I am honest with myself I envied that they had other children at home as we walked back to our empty house.

The birth of the twins did not make me forget Jake but my life became much busier.  My grief for Jake became a part of me and helped me to (hopefully) be a better mother to the twins.

The morning after Sawyer died our house was not empty.  The twins were home waiting for us to take care of them.  I cannot compare Sawyer’s death and Jake’s death at all.  However, after Sawyer died I had to get myself together and take care of the twins.  I cried as I changed their diapers, fed them and put them to bed but I did it.

The twins have no idea how grateful I am they were born and are alive.  I tell them all the time how much I love them and how lucky I am to be their mom but I do not have the words to express how important they are to me.  I hope they do not feel the weight of my world on their little legs.

Happy Birthday!!

 

Happily Ever After & Hope (part 2)

July 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 Comments
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It was so nice to write such a happy post last week.  Life has ups and downs and I know that without the bad times it is hard to appreciate the good times.  I recently read about the concept of “nexting” – always thinking about is going to happen next.   So I am trying very hard to appreciate the good moments right now:

After Sawyer died someone said to me that Evan and I will never live happily ever after.  It was not said with with cruel intentions.  It was an honest statement that that after burying a child (or children) life is bittersweet.

We may not have lived happily ever after even if Jake and Sawyer had lived.  And there is no alternate universe in which I can find out.  Life, marriage and kids are hard at times even if you are not a bereaved parent.  I am hoping that good times continue and when they do not maybe the bad times will not be quite as bad.  In the meantime, I will go watch the twins dance the robot:

And, I am going to confess to “nexting” because the twins and I are going to the beach soon.  They are so excited to go see their Aunt, Uncle and cousin!

There is no place like home

June 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 Comments
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“It always amazes me to think that every house on every street is full of so many stories;
so many triumphs and tragedies, and all we see are yards and driveways.” Glenn Close

Evan and I bought our first house the year we got married.  It was a 3 bedroom house.  Our bedroom, a guest bedroom and what we hoped would be a baby’s room.  Jake, our first-born, never came home.  However, during the time I was pregnant and while Jake was alive, we referred to the 3rd bedroom as Jake’s room.

After Jake died, I was not able to go into the room.  I shut the door.  I desperately wanted to move or renovate the house so that Jake’s room no longer existed.  I cannot explain my anger toward the house but it was very real.  Evan and I started to look for houses with a real estate agent.

Luckily, someone wisely advised us not to make any major life changes for at least 6 months to a year after Jake’s death.  We stopped the house search for the time being.

Eighteen months later when we found out that we were expecting the twins my need to move resurfaced.  I did not want the twins to sleep in Jake’s room.  Once again, we started the house search.  We had a contract on one house and it fell through.  I resigned myself to staying in our house.

Miraculously, we found another house when I was 8 months pregnant.  Everything fell into place.  We moved up the street from our old house.  Whatever bad house karma was there I was convinced we were leaving it behind us.  The twins came home from the hospital to their own room.  Jake’s room was still down the street.

Fast forward to the November, 2009 – Sawyer came home.  The night of December 25 he went to sleep in his room.  At 2:46 am on December 26th the paramedics were performing CPR on Sawyer on our bedroom floor.  We are still not sure but it is very possible that Sawyer died in our house that night.

So after leaving one house where Jake had a room which he never slept in, we now live in another house where Sawyer came home, lived for nearly 6 weeks and died.  Funny (or maybe not so funny) how life works.  I am not angry at the house this time.  It does not matter where I live – my memories of Jake and Sawyer will always move with me.

Perfect Parenting?

June 26, 2011 at 10:50 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 8 Comments
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Did you ever see the movie Sliding Doors?  Gwyneth Paltrow, pre country music singing career, plays a woman whose entire life changes based on catching a train.  Her life is portrayed in the movie both as if she caught the train and as if she did not. 

I wish I could know what kind of parent I would be if Jake and Sawyer had not died.  I wish I could see my life both ways, in parallel.  And okay, I wish I could just pick the life that did not include either of them dying.

However, here in reality I know I do not get those wishes and I can not watch both options in parallel (nor will I become a country music singer).  So I must try to be the best parent I can be and accept that I will not be perfect.

Alice Wisler wrote Parenting Through a Glass Partition — After the Death of a Child.   Her son Daniel, died from cancer treatments in 1997 at the age of four. She wrote: 

“At the fast food restaurant, my children laugh in the play area as I sit drinking coffee behind the glass partition that separates the play area from the dining section. While I have hugged them so tightly their tonsils could pop out, I am still, much of the time, finding myself watching them from a distance. They are mine but so was Daniel, and in the course of a moment I know they could be gone, as he is.” 

After Jake died I could not imagine being a parent to a child who came home with us.  After the twins were born and did come home, it dawned on me that I was so focused on making sure that they were not premature that I had not considered actually being a parent.  Parts of me want (and may always want) to wrap them up in a bubble wrap and protect them from the world.  The wiser, perhaps more jaded part of me knows that no matter what I do I will not be able to protect them from every thing.

Sawyer was full term but did spend some time in the NICU.   I did keep myself at a distance.  I could not visit the NICU for long.  Once Sawyer was released from the NICU I felt incredibly guilty that I did not visit him more.  I also felt incredibly lucky that he came home with us. 

Being a parent (bereaved or not) is bittersweet, frustrating, exhausting and amazing all at the same time.  Would I be more patient, appreciative and understanding if Jake and Sawyer were here?  Would I be less bitter and more sweet?  Has grief made me a more aware and loving parent?  I will never know.  Right now all I know is that I will keep trying.

My Real World

June 22, 2011 at 11:02 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 3 Comments
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“Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony;
In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”
 – Albert Einstein

Some mornings I wake up and have to remind myself of my reality.  Is it true I have out lived 2 of our children?  Was Jake really born 14 weeks early?  Was Sawyer just a brief wonderful figment of my imagination?  After the morning fog clears I know with unnerving certainty that they are both dead and I am alive. 

People tell me (and I remind myself) how lucky I am to have the twins.  Which of your children would you live without?  Why can I not wake up in the morning with all 4 of my children? 

I get up and face the day.  I try my best to focus on my simplicity, my harmony and my opportunity:

Father’s Day

June 19, 2011 at 10:46 pm | Posted in father, Grief | 4 Comments
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A grieving father is often refered to as a “forgotten parent.”  As I quoted Harriet Sarnoff Schiff, in this post nowhere in the history “of sex discrimination is there a more glaring injustice than that thrust upon a bereaved father.”  It is hard to find resources for a bereaved father.  However, I did come across the Grieving Dad’s Project, which was created specifically to assist father’s with their journey through grief.

This week I helped the twins make Father’s Day cards for Evan.  They made him art projects too.  I can not help Jake and Sawyer wish their dad a happy father’s day so here is my best attempt:

A Father’s Day Wish From Heaven

Adapted from Jody Seilheimer poem
A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
We are writing to you from heaven,
and though it must appear
A rather strange idea,
We see everything from here. We just popped in to visit,
your stores to find a card
A card of love for our father,
as this day for him is hard.
There must be some mistake we thought,
We saw every card you could imagine
Except we could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

 He is still a father too,
no matter where we reside
We had to leave, he understands,
but oh the tears he’s cried.
We thought that if we wrote you,
that you would come to know
That though we live in heaven now,
We still love our father so.

 So you see Mr. Hallmark,
though we no longer live on earth
We must find a way to remind him
of his wondrous worth.
He needs to be honored,
and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,
We know you’ll do your best
We have done all we can do;
to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell him,
how much he means to us.

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