Stars
December 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
One year ago tonight was the last time I held Sawyer. At 10:45 pm we kissed him good night for the last time.
There are stars above,
so far away we only see their light
long, long after the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
these are the lights that guide us.
As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.
— Author unknown
I had plans to finish Sawyer’s story but I just cannot find the words right now. I will find them another day.
Sawyer’s Story (part 4): Nights
December 24, 2010 at 9:24 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer, twins
Sawyer was such a good baby. He was 8 lbs. 1 oz. at birth so he could go 3 hours between feedings almost immediately. He had started to go 4 hours between feedings when he was 4 weeks old. Sawyer did get up in the middle of the night like most other newborns. Sawyer slept in a bassinet in our room. He would cry and I would get up. I would feed and change him. Evan would often help with changing Sawyer and then bring him to me to feed. Unlike with the twins, there was no other baby on deck waiting to be changed or fed. It was just Sawyer.
I know I was not always super excited getting up in the middle of the night with Sawyer. I was tired. I was cold. I had night sweats and would wake up soaking. I would quickly change before feeding Sawyer. After Sawyer died, I still had the nights sweats. I would still wake up soaking. I still thought I heard his cries but they were mine.
As I left off in this post, Evan and I were trying to figure out options that would allow us to get some more sleep. We had a night nurse with the twins. We were very lucky when the twins were born my grandfather and one set of Evan’s parents gave us the gift of having a night nurse. It did not even cross our minds to consider having a night nurse with Sawyer. After twins we felt like we could handle one newborn with no problems. And we did. Until the twins got sick and were getting up along with Sawyer.
Evan came up with the brilliant idea to call one of the night nurses who helped us with the twins. The one we called is very good and always very booked. I figured that she might have an available night in February. However, when I called she had a free night that week! She wanted to work either Christmas Eve or Christmas night.
We are Jewish and she is not. I thought it might be better if she came Christmas night. I did not want her to work Christmas Eve and then have to sleep Christmas day. She said that she was always done with her family Christmas dinner by 8 pm. We agreed she would come to our house between 10:00 pm and 10:30 pm on Christmas night. Evan and I were so excited that sleep seemed to be in our future.
Sawyer’s Story (part 3): Tuesdays
December 20, 2010 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, Sawyer
As I previously wrote, everyone in our house was exhausted in December of 2009. The twins were getting better but were still house bound. After a few days we were going stir crazy. Tuesday of that week it was time for the twins to take a nap and for me to feed Sawyer. The twins did not want to take a nap. After reading a lot of books and singing every song I know, I thought I had put the twins to sleep. I finally went to feed Sawyer. I heard something, ignored it and continued to feed Sawyer. A few minutes later the noise became so loud I had to go investigate.
I held Sawyer, who was very calm despite being interrupted during his feeding, as I walked into the twins’ room. There was pink fluffy stuff all over the room. It took a few seconds for my brain to register what happened. The twins opened the doors to two small unfinished storage spaces in their room. Those doors were hard for me and Evan to open. However, not only did the twins open the doors but they went inside and ripped out the pink fiberglass insulation.
Sawyer began to cry because he realized he was still hungry. I was not sure what to do. So, I closed their door. I was pretty sleep deprived. I figured if I shut the door maybe the image of our 2 1/2-year-old twins playing with pink fluffy insulation could really just turn out to be a dream.
Luckily, one of my brother-in-laws was living with us at the time. The twins affectionately named him Uncle Wacky. Uncle Wacky was less sleep deprived and thinking much more rationally. He cleaned up the insulation, watched the twins and saved the day. I went to feed Sawyer and hoped the twins did not dismantle any other parts of the house.
Note: Uncle Wacky took the picture of Sawyer in his sunglasses that is in this post.
When Evan got home from work that night we were all there and still in one piece. I told Evan about our tough Tuesday. However, we realized that our sleep deprived selves could not take too many more days like this one. Evan and I began to discuss some options for more help which could possibly allow us to get more sleep. We also remembered another Tuesday five weeks earlier when we first met Sawyer. Our “Tuesday’s child . . . full of grace.” (a line from a nursery rhyme by A. E. Bray’s Traditions of Devonshire)
It is not “if” we will lose the things we love, it is “when.”
But as we lose, can we not gain a deep knowing that in the presence of grace,
love is eternal?
– – Author Unknown
Yahrzeit
December 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, traditions | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
As I wrote in this post, I really appreciate most of the Jewish mourning customs. And for the most part I am on board with observing the Yahrzeit, a time of remembering the dead by reciting the Kaddish, lighting a 24-hour candle, and remembering the person who has died. The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.
My only issue with observing Sawyer’s yahrzeit (not counting the fact that I cannot spell the word) is that according to the Jewish calendar Sawyer’s yahrzeit is tomorrow. And, like most Jewish holidays it begins at sunset the night before and lasts for 24 hours. Tonight we will light a candle and say a prayer for our sweet baby boy.
We will say kaddish, a mourner’s prayer. Anita Diamant writes in her book Saying Kaddish, that “Kaddish reminds mourners of their obligation both to dream of a world of peace and to build it — without delay.” I think this means that I should continue to repeat to myself the phrase I have already mentioned in an earlier post. “Remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.” And thanks to my very wise and close friend I have a new quote from the movie Kung Fu Panda:
“There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the “present.” ”
No promises that I can do this but I will try not to dwell on how different our lives were a year ago. I will try hard not think about the secular anniversary of Sawyer’s death because it is not today. I will try to stay focused on today’s gift.
Exhaustion
December 12, 2010 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, twins
At the beginning of December last year a series of unrelated events began to happen at our house. First, one of the twins had a crazy reaction to his H1N1 booster. It was like there was a big red ring around his arm. I took him to our pediatrician (and friend). We got a referral to an allergist.
Second, Sawyer continued to have congestion. We were told when he was released from the NICU that he still had extra fluid and that he might have some congestion. So, we tried not to worry about it too much. One set of my in-laws came to visit and meet Mr. Sawyer that first week of December, 2009. Evan took Sawyer to the pediatrician at the end of that week. The pediatrician said that Sawyer was congested but it was very normal for a newborn to have extra fluid or possibly a cold. We had been putting saline drops in his nose a few times a day and that seemed to clear up the congestion. The pediatrician said to continue the saline and Sawyer would be fine.
Third, was the croup. The twin without the reaction to the H1N1 shot started to cough like a seal. I had never heard of croup but quickly found out about it when I took her to the pediatrician. She had to have breathing treatments but did not have to be hospitalized. The twins, who had been sleeping through the night (for the most part) for over a year, were now up quite a bit.
Sawyer was over 8 lbs. and he would go at least 3 hours between feedings. However, between the feedings, the twins and life in general exhaustion began to set in. I knew that lack of sleep was common with a newborn. I also believed that we would find some balance in our lives which would involve more sleep.
As I wrote about in this post, time can be tricky. Someone told me the following:
Nights with a baby can be long but the days go by very quickly.
We had no idea just how quickly our days with Sawyer would go. Despite being tired, our days with Sawyer were much brighter and I am so very grateful for every one of them.
Life with Sawyer
December 8, 2010 at 11:38 pm | Posted in silver lining, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, newborn
Once Sawyer was home from the hospital the twins were fascinated him. Meanwhile, Evan and I tried to figure out how to manage life with a newborn and 2 1/2-year-old twins. 
The moment Sawyer cried one of them would run to get his pacifier. The twins would always make sure that he was covered with at least a blanket if not other things. . .
A very wise and close friend advised me and Evan that at our wedding we should stop every once in a while and just enjoy the moment. I thought our wedding would go by very quickly and it did. I did not think that our time with Sawyer would be so quick. I wish I had stopped to just enjoy more moments with Sawyer.
Awkward Appointments & Awesome Acting
December 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, life after loss
I was cast in one of the lead roles in my 6th grade play, The Taming of the Shrew. Andrew Schulz had to kiss me on stage but that is different story. My acting career pretty much began and ended right there in 1982 in my elementary school all-purpose room. Until I became a bereaved parent. In 2005, I was cast in the role of a mother with a newborn son who died. In 2009, I was cast for the role once again.
William Shakespeare wrote, “all the world’s a stage.” This is so true in the life of a bereaved parent. I will be out to dinner or talking to someone on the phone and they will say “you are doing really great.” I will try to remember what exactly I said or did to give such a good impression. And, I think to myself what a good actress I am.
Then there are other times that I seem to forget my “I am doing really great” lines. For example, I went to the dentist the other day. I have not been to the dentist since the week before Sawyer was born. I have gone to the same dentist for over 10 years and I don’t mind going there. I knew they would ask “how is the baby?” We did not send out birth or death announcement for either Sawyer or Jake. I could have avoided the whole thing and switched dentists (I did switch hair salons for this very reason).
I chose to stay with the same dentist and play my part as the bereaved mother. However, my “I am doing great” lines had all been forgotten. I am pretty forgetful these days so I should not be surprised. Instead, I cried. I cried and explained that our perfect baby boy had died. Luckily (or unluckily depending how you look at it), during a dental cleaning there is only so much crying and talking you can do.
After crying through my dentist appointment I was happy to get out of there. As I drove away I realized this was the first time in months that I had spoken about Sawyer for so long. Now that I think about it maybe the title of this blog works both ways – it could also be awesome appointments and awkward acting.
Home from the hospital
December 1, 2010 at 4:04 pm | Posted in silver lining, transient tachypnea, twins | 6 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief
The rest of our stay in the hospital was uneventful. Sawyer stayed in the room with us. He and I both got checked out every day. The doctors and nurses reassured us that transient tachypnea was common in c-section babies and that Sawyer was healthy. In fact, I asked anyone who walked into my room about transient tachypnea. If the person I was asking had heard of it before the answer was the same. It is not life threatening. It is common. Sawyer would be fine.
We were both released to go home on that Saturday. My parents had been staying with the twins. I had never been away from them for so long. I could not wait to get home and introduce Sawyer to his big brother and big sister.
Bringing Sawyer home
Sawyer is home!
Once we were home I had allowed myself to enter back into the land of believing that everything would be ok. Sawyer was perfect. He was a full term baby. He had been released from the NICU. He was fine.
A certain innocence was lost after Jake’s diagnosis and death. The belief that I had that I would get married, have children and live happily ever after was shattered. I can’t say exactly when but some time after Jake’s death I began to have hope again. I hoped for days that were not so dark. I hoped for more children. Again, it did not take the path I thought it would but I did get pregnant with the twins and with Sawyer.
I had convinced myself that if babies were not premature that they would live long happy lives. I let myself hope and believe that we would raise Sawyer. I had the false sense of security that Sawyer would lead a long happy life. I let my guard down. I let myself believe that we could not possibly bury another child. Life could not be that cruel – could it?
No more NICU
November 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm | Posted in father, mother, NICU, transient tachypnea | 6 CommentsEvan went to the NICU first. He reported that it was not at all like with Jake. There were no huge machines hooked up to our baby. In fact, he was the biggest baby in there. I just wanted him back in our room – back in my arms.
It was time to feed him so Evan wheeled me to the NICU. It was a trip I had made many times before to see a different baby boy. I choked back the tears. Inside the NICU it looked the same. The isolates, the nurses, the babies and our baby boy. I knew he was a different baby boy but it was all too similar. The room was hot and it began to spin. I got sick and begged Evan to wheel me back to my room.
In the hospital room I cried and tried to pull myself together. Evan stayed in the NICU and would come back to the room to give me reports. All the reports were good. We were told that often once a baby is admitted to the NICU the baby will usually stay until it is time for the baby and the mom to go home. I pumped and sent milk to the NICU. I worried about not bonding with the baby. I worried about not being able to name the baby. I worried about not being a good enough mother.
The next day I worked up the courage to return to the NICU. It was still hot. The room still was spinning but I was able to feed our baby boy. Bridget, Jake’s NICU nurse, was working that day. She was not Sawyer’s nurse but she came over to talk to us. We had not seen her since the morning Jake had died. It was comforting to see her. She had recently had a child of her own. She told us how often she thought of Jake. Bridget looked at our new baby and as she spoke about him I knew that this was different. This baby was not Jake. He would not stay in the NICU for long. However, I still did get sick as soon as I got back to my hospital room.
The next day our baby boy was brought back to our room. And we named him, Sawyer Brady.
I am Sawyer
Looking back now maybe this was Sawyer’s way of letting us know that everything was not perfect. Maybe he was trying to prepare us for what was to come.
Thanksgiving
November 25, 2010 at 10:04 pm | Posted in Death, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude
Last Thanksgiving we had just brought Sawyer home (I will go back and finish writing his story, I promise). This Thanksgiving is bittersweet. I suppose every day is bittersweet but holidays and anniversaries can be harder.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through these days alone.
I am thankful for our silly twins and their father.
I am very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. However, there has always been more – I have had a feeling of gratitude that I have not been able to articulate since Jake passed away. It is very hard to be grateful that your son (or now in our case sons) have died. The feeling that I want to describe is that I have been so thankful that Jake and Sawyer never knew the hardships which life can bring. I would give anything to have had them experience more of life than they did. I was not successful with making that bargain. Instead, I find comfort and I am thankful that all they ever knew in their too short lives was love.
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