No more NICU

November 28, 2010 at 4:56 pm | Posted in father, mother, NICU, transient tachypnea | 6 Comments

Evan went to the NICU first.  He reported that it was not at all like with Jake.  There were no huge machines hooked up to our baby.  In fact, he was the biggest baby in there.  I just wanted him back in our room – back in my arms.  

It was time to feed him so Evan wheeled me to the NICU.  It was a trip I had made many times before to see a different baby boy.   I choked back the tears.  Inside the NICU it looked the same.  The isolates, the nurses, the babies and our baby boy.  I knew he was a different baby boy but it was all too similar.  The room was hot and it began to spin.  I got sick and begged Evan to wheel me back to my room.  

In the hospital room I cried and tried to pull myself together.  Evan stayed in the NICU and would come back to the room to give me reports.  All the reports were good.  We were told that often once a baby is admitted to the NICU the baby will usually stay until it is time for the baby and the mom to go home.  I pumped and sent milk to the NICU.  I worried about not bonding with the baby.  I worried about not being able to name the baby.  I worried about not being a good enough mother.

The next day I worked up the courage to return to the NICU.  It was still hot.  The room still was spinning but I was able to feed our baby boy.  Bridget, Jake’s NICU nurse, was working that day.  She was not Sawyer’s nurse but she came over to talk to us.  We had not seen her since the morning Jake had died.  It was comforting to see her.  She had recently had a child of her own.  She told us how often she thought of Jake.  Bridget looked at our new baby and as she spoke about him I knew that this was different.  This baby was not Jake.  He would not stay in the NICU for long.  However, I still did get sick as soon as I got back to my hospital room.

The next day our baby boy was brought back to our room.  And we named him, Sawyer Brady.

I am Sawyer

Looking back now maybe this was Sawyer’s way of letting us know that everything was not perfect.  Maybe he was trying to prepare us for what was to come.


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  1. He is such a beautiful baby. There is no way that anything could prepare you for what was to come.

  2. I had no idea of the details of your experience, the trauma of dealing with the NICU again. My dear friend you have endured so much.

  3. I remember talking to you on the phone that day. Trying – and failing – to say the right things to you. Stupidly saying ‘god wouldn’t be so cruel’… I am still so sorry for those words. But I truly thought the world was not so cruel to separate such wonderful, loving parents from their son twice. I also remember being struck by how much you loved and wanted to do the right things with him from the beginning. You are Superwoman in my eyes.

  4. hugs!!!

  5. Hi Lanie…thank you again for writing…I know this time is hard as you are approaching one year. Know that we are with you, all around you.

    I’ll be in DC the last week in Dec so will look forward to spending some time.

    xo Debbie

  6. Beautiful picture of Sawyer. And I love the sock monkey nightgown!!

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