Home from the hospital

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Home from the hospital

December 1, 2010 at 4:04 pm | Posted in silver lining, transient tachypnea, twins | 6 Comments
Tags: gratitude, grief

The rest of our stay in the hospital was uneventful. Sawyer stayed in the room with us. He and I both got checked out every day. The doctors and nurses reassured us that transient tachypnea was common in c-section babies and that Sawyer was healthy. In fact, I asked anyone who walked into my room about transient tachypnea. If the person I was asking had heard of it before the answer was the same. It is not life threatening. It is common. Sawyer would be fine.

We were both released to go home on that Saturday. My parents had been staying with the twins. I had never been away from them for so long. I could not wait to get home and introduce Sawyer to his big brother and big sister.

Bringing Sawyer home

Sawyer is home!

Once we were home I had allowed myself to enter back into the land of believing that everything would be ok. Sawyer was perfect. He was a full term baby. He had been released from the NICU. He was fine.

A certain innocence was lost after Jake’s diagnosis and death. The belief that I had that I would get married, have children and live happily ever after was shattered. I can’t say exactly when but some time after Jake’s death I began to have hope again. I hoped for days that were not so dark. I hoped for more children. Again, it did not take the path I thought it would but I did get pregnant with the twins and with Sawyer.

I had convinced myself that if babies were not premature that they would live long happy lives. I let myself hope and believe that we would raise Sawyer. I had the false sense of security that Sawyer would lead a long happy life. I let my guard down. I let myself believe that we could not possibly bury another child. Life could not be that cruel – could it?

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My heart aches for you. You did not let your guard down dear Lanie – you believed! Belief and hope are all part of being human. Once we loose that, we are doomed.
Blessings,
Linda

Comment by The Good Cook— December 1, 2010 #

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Dear Lanie – Thanks for another great post. It’s so wonderful to read how you had returned to normal and totally justified expectations after the birth of your twins. That’s so natural. I can’t imagine, you would have wanted to live in eternal dread about possible future children for you and Evan. And there may not really have been any reason to fear. How could you have welcomed Sawyer if not for your expectation of a long life for him. The sadness is that it did happen for a second time and for that we all are so very sorry for you!
Happy Hannukah to you and Evan, Alyssa and Fletcher. Love, Cornelia

Comment by Cornelia Levine— December 1, 2010 #

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You words inspire me everyday in so many ways. You are so brave.

Comment by Hillary— December 1, 2010 #

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Dahlin’, I wish I had the right words. You let your guard down when you opened your heart and brought your beautiful babies into this world. It’s never a mistake to love and let your guard down. I just wish I could lessen your pain. Love, Amy

Comment by Amy— December 1, 2010 #

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Your hope is a beautiful thing. It is what brought your beautiful family into this world.

Comment by Daphne— December 2, 2010 #

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I agree with Daphne. Your hope is beautiful. Praying (as always) for you and your family.

Comment by Kristen— December 2, 2010 #

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A Mourning Mom