Silent and Stuck

February 18, 2013 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Jake, life lessons, Sawyer, why I write | 13 Comments
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Sawyer was born right before Thanksgiving and died Christmas night.  So, since he died the holidays have been especially hard.  If I am honest with myself the holidays have been excruciatingly difficult since Jake died.  Pretty much November, December and most of August (the anniversaries of Jake’s birth and death) are not my favorite times of year.

Life is a roller coaster.  I definitely got that message.  On a roller coaster there are usually some ups after the downs.  However, this year after the anniversary of Sawyer’s death there was no up.  My grandfather died.  My cousin’s partner lost her battle to breast cancer.  Funeral. Shiva. Unveiling. Family drama.

Evan is fine now but had a few health issues that once again shook me to my core.  I have been stuck.  There might not be an up in sight but I have to keep moving forward.


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  1. oh lanie, please know as you keep moving forward, we are here with you. love and miss you. xo

  2. My dad always said “there’s fun ahead” and I know there is. Hang in there my dear. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. As you keep moving forward, please know you are not alone in your walk.

  4. I am with you on this ->

  5. sorry, my reply came from another one of my wp user id’s – all the best, lanie. ❤

  6. Dear Lanie and Evan – Life has forced you to confront things that many of us can sort of leave to the side. I am sorry to hear of Evan’s health problems and send my strongest wishes for no more nosebleeds and good health instead – for all of you! With love, Cornelia

  7. We are with you always, helping you move forward whenever you need help.

  8. Lanie,
    I know that the last few months have been hard for you — they always are. Please remember how many people love you and your family. You are in my prayers every day. Remember that God sticks out his hand everyday for us to take. His strength gives us strength. Count on the fact that he will grab your hand, share his strength and guide you and Evan on the right path.

    Much love,


  9. I am sorry. You are and always will be in my prayers. Sending hugs your way.

  10. Every time I think of why these things happen it gets harder to answer. And yet, I keep coming back to the same thought process (which is often given by religious scholars–of which I am NOT)–the challenges are there for you to continue to rise above, and appreciate all the more the good things that are in your life. It’s not the answer that most of us want to hear, but some days I have to think it makes sense, like it or not. That doesn’t mean we can’t/shouldn’t question everything along the way. Thinking of you–always.

  11. […] after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer.  One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s […]

  12. […] am once again silent and stuck. I am hoping that writing helps.  My amazing cousin’s mom was diagnosed with stage 4 […]

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