Preschool Pick up
January 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Jake, Sawyer, twins
I stood outside the twins’ preschool and waited for them to come out. Another mother looked at me and noticed my necklace. I wear a necklace with charms for each letter of my children’s names. She asked “Do you have that many children?” Not really prepared for the question, I said nothing for a while. I then surprised myself and said “Yes, I have four children.”
As I wrote in this post, answering questions about the number of children I have is not so simple for me. But, I heard myself continue to talk. “Our first son was 14 weeks premature. He lived for 2 weeks. We never got to take him home. Then we had the twins. Last year we had a full term baby boy. He went to sleep the night of December 25th, 2009 and he did not wake up. We are still hoping to find out what happened.”
I did not stop talking when I heard the other mother try to tell me that I did not need to go on. I did not cry. The twins ran out of their school and into my arms. I packed them and myself into the car. I drove us home and thought of my other 2 children buried just a few miles away.
Not long after that day I was on my street about to go jogging. Neighbors were walking by and pushing their twins in a stroller. I had not met them before and said hello. A very ordinary exchange between neighbors took place and then there was that question again. “How many children do you have?”
I took a deep breath and repeated the explanation I gave the mother at preschool pick up. Perhaps this is my new answer.
I finished telling the neighbors about my children. I told them about Jake, the twins and Sawyer.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we
don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown
Sawyer’s Story (part 3): Tuesdays
December 20, 2010 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, Sawyer
As I previously wrote, everyone in our house was exhausted in December of 2009. The twins were getting better but were still house bound. After a few days we were going stir crazy. Tuesday of that week it was time for the twins to take a nap and for me to feed Sawyer. The twins did not want to take a nap. After reading a lot of books and singing every song I know, I thought I had put the twins to sleep. I finally went to feed Sawyer. I heard something, ignored it and continued to feed Sawyer. A few minutes later the noise became so loud I had to go investigate.
I held Sawyer, who was very calm despite being interrupted during his feeding, as I walked into the twins’ room. There was pink fluffy stuff all over the room. It took a few seconds for my brain to register what happened. The twins opened the doors to two small unfinished storage spaces in their room. Those doors were hard for me and Evan to open. However, not only did the twins open the doors but they went inside and ripped out the pink fiberglass insulation.
Sawyer began to cry because he realized he was still hungry. I was not sure what to do. So, I closed their door. I was pretty sleep deprived. I figured if I shut the door maybe the image of our 2 1/2-year-old twins playing with pink fluffy insulation could really just turn out to be a dream.
Luckily, one of my brother-in-laws was living with us at the time. The twins affectionately named him Uncle Wacky. Uncle Wacky was less sleep deprived and thinking much more rationally. He cleaned up the insulation, watched the twins and saved the day. I went to feed Sawyer and hoped the twins did not dismantle any other parts of the house.
Note: Uncle Wacky took the picture of Sawyer in his sunglasses that is in this post.
When Evan got home from work that night we were all there and still in one piece. I told Evan about our tough Tuesday. However, we realized that our sleep deprived selves could not take too many more days like this one. Evan and I began to discuss some options for more help which could possibly allow us to get more sleep. We also remembered another Tuesday five weeks earlier when we first met Sawyer. Our “Tuesday’s child . . . full of grace.” (a line from a nursery rhyme by A. E. Bray’s Traditions of Devonshire)
It is not “if” we will lose the things we love, it is “when.”
But as we lose, can we not gain a deep knowing that in the presence of grace,
love is eternal?
– – Author Unknown
Yahrzeit
December 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, traditions | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sawyer
As I wrote in this post, I really appreciate most of the Jewish mourning customs. And for the most part I am on board with observing the Yahrzeit, a time of remembering the dead by reciting the Kaddish, lighting a 24-hour candle, and remembering the person who has died. The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.
My only issue with observing Sawyer’s yahrzeit (not counting the fact that I cannot spell the word) is that according to the Jewish calendar Sawyer’s yahrzeit is tomorrow. And, like most Jewish holidays it begins at sunset the night before and lasts for 24 hours. Tonight we will light a candle and say a prayer for our sweet baby boy.
We will say kaddish, a mourner’s prayer. Anita Diamant writes in her book Saying Kaddish, that “Kaddish reminds mourners of their obligation both to dream of a world of peace and to build it — without delay.” I think this means that I should continue to repeat to myself the phrase I have already mentioned in an earlier post. “Remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.” And thanks to my very wise and close friend I have a new quote from the movie Kung Fu Panda:
“There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the “present.” ”
No promises that I can do this but I will try not to dwell on how different our lives were a year ago. I will try hard not think about the secular anniversary of Sawyer’s death because it is not today. I will try to stay focused on today’s gift.
Exhaustion
December 12, 2010 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, twins
At the beginning of December last year a series of unrelated events began to happen at our house. First, one of the twins had a crazy reaction to his H1N1 booster. It was like there was a big red ring around his arm. I took him to our pediatrician (and friend). We got a referral to an allergist.
Second, Sawyer continued to have congestion. We were told when he was released from the NICU that he still had extra fluid and that he might have some congestion. So, we tried not to worry about it too much. One set of my in-laws came to visit and meet Mr. Sawyer that first week of December, 2009. Evan took Sawyer to the pediatrician at the end of that week. The pediatrician said that Sawyer was congested but it was very normal for a newborn to have extra fluid or possibly a cold. We had been putting saline drops in his nose a few times a day and that seemed to clear up the congestion. The pediatrician said to continue the saline and Sawyer would be fine.
Third, was the croup. The twin without the reaction to the H1N1 shot started to cough like a seal. I had never heard of croup but quickly found out about it when I took her to the pediatrician. She had to have breathing treatments but did not have to be hospitalized. The twins, who had been sleeping through the night (for the most part) for over a year, were now up quite a bit.
Sawyer was over 8 lbs. and he would go at least 3 hours between feedings. However, between the feedings, the twins and life in general exhaustion began to set in. I knew that lack of sleep was common with a newborn. I also believed that we would find some balance in our lives which would involve more sleep.
As I wrote about in this post, time can be tricky. Someone told me the following:
Nights with a baby can be long but the days go by very quickly.
We had no idea just how quickly our days with Sawyer would go. Despite being tired, our days with Sawyer were much brighter and I am so very grateful for every one of them.
Awkward Appointments & Awesome Acting
December 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, life after loss
I was cast in one of the lead roles in my 6th grade play, The Taming of the Shrew. Andrew Schulz had to kiss me on stage but that is different story. My acting career pretty much began and ended right there in 1982 in my elementary school all-purpose room. Until I became a bereaved parent. In 2005, I was cast in the role of a mother with a newborn son who died. In 2009, I was cast for the role once again.
William Shakespeare wrote, “all the world’s a stage.” This is so true in the life of a bereaved parent. I will be out to dinner or talking to someone on the phone and they will say “you are doing really great.” I will try to remember what exactly I said or did to give such a good impression. And, I think to myself what a good actress I am.
Then there are other times that I seem to forget my “I am doing really great” lines. For example, I went to the dentist the other day. I have not been to the dentist since the week before Sawyer was born. I have gone to the same dentist for over 10 years and I don’t mind going there. I knew they would ask “how is the baby?” We did not send out birth or death announcement for either Sawyer or Jake. I could have avoided the whole thing and switched dentists (I did switch hair salons for this very reason).
I chose to stay with the same dentist and play my part as the bereaved mother. However, my “I am doing great” lines had all been forgotten. I am pretty forgetful these days so I should not be surprised. Instead, I cried. I cried and explained that our perfect baby boy had died. Luckily (or unluckily depending how you look at it), during a dental cleaning there is only so much crying and talking you can do.
After crying through my dentist appointment I was happy to get out of there. As I drove away I realized this was the first time in months that I had spoken about Sawyer for so long. Now that I think about it maybe the title of this blog works both ways – it could also be awesome appointments and awkward acting.
Time can be Tricky (part 2)
November 14, 2010 at 11:02 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments“Time heals all wounds.” Really, does it? If it does, how much time? It has been 5 years since Jake died and I am not healed. Time certainly has changed my wounds but they are not gone. Keeping busy helped me to live in a world without Jake. The grief and the sadness were still always there but have become a part of me. The twins brought and continue to bring happiness to my life but it does not take away the loss.
Sawyer’s death in December, 2009 was not only devastating for the mere fact of losing Sawyer but it reopened the wounds from Jake’s death. The pain of losing Sawyer is so excruciating at times that I cannot let myself think about it. I put it away in a box and do not take it out. I live in my land of denial and keep myself busy. Toddler twins don’t leave too much free time so, often it is not a problem to stay in the land of denial. I know that time will change this. I will leave the land of denial more frequently and maybe one day I will not return to it. However, it is impossible for me to believe there will come a time that I will be healed from losing my baby boys.
As I wrote in this post, I try to stay present. I repeat to myself “remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.” It is just extremely difficult at times because the present does not include Sawyer or Jake.
Time can be Tricky
November 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 CommentsOne of the 40 definitions of time according to Webster’s dictionary is ” a moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar.”
Time can be a very tricky thing. I clearly remember periods of my life when I wanted to rush time. When I was 15 I could hardly wait to turn 16 so that I could get my driver’s license. Last year at this time I again, wanted time to move quickly. I could not wait to meet our new baby.
Now all I want is for time to stop. I do not want Sawyer’s first birthday to arrive. There will not be a first birthday party this weekend or next. We are not ordering a cake to place in front of Sawyer to see what he will do with it. We are just further in time from when I last held him in my arms. I hope to always remember that feeling but time is constantly making it more distant. The sound of his cry is slowly becoming a memory.
Daylight saving time gave us one extra hour before Sawyer’s birthday. However, one more hour will not help for long. I know that time will move on and it will be next week before I know it.
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. – Author Unknown
I believe that I will see Sawyer and Jake one day (although as I wrote about in this post I am not always clear on my religious beliefs since Sawyer died). I do not know for sure but perhaps time is taking me closer to when I will hold Jake and Sawyer again. One thing I do know for certain is that there is no better way to spend time than with the twins and their dad.
Next Steps (2006)
November 8, 2010 at 7:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 1 CommentJanuary, 2006 made me realize I needed help. We were already in therapy. My family and friends could not help me. I needed to help myself. I had to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.
I very slowly came up with a plan. My plan had several steps. It would be revised, it would change and evolve. (In December of 2009 it would be shattered)
1. I needed to look for a full-time job. Running my own business was not working. I could not keep myself organized. I could not concentrate. I just wanted to wake up, get dressed and go to the same place every day.
2. Evan and I needed to find a support group. Support groups were suggested to us several times. However, up till this point I was not able to handle anyone else’s sad story. I could barely deal with our own. Now, I needed to see how other parents got up every morning after their child (or children) had died.
3. The most frightening part of the plan – we started to talk about trying to have another baby.
Excerpt from Thoughts on Becoming a Mother (read at the 2006 Atlanta Walk to Remember) Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that G-d leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother. – Author UnknownDark Dark Days & Magical Moments
October 30, 2010 at 11:34 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 9 CommentsI used to refer to January of 2006 as when I hit rock bottom. After the night Sawyer died, I realized that was not rock bottom. I am careful to just take each day as it is and not assign it a label. I have to start where I am and just try to get through the day, the hour or the moment.
January of 2006 was filled with many dark days. As I wrote in my last post, I was cruising along on autopilot and had decided not to schedule any projects. Without work to wake up for I found it increasingly difficult to figure out why I should get up at all. I did always get up and get dressed (very often in the same clothes). One of my brothers-in-law came to visit that January and we were supposed to go to lunch and the new aquarium. I went to lunch. I could not hold it together. I asked Evan to drive me home. I got back in bed and cried.
Staying home did not seem to be helping. I thought getting away might be the answer. Evan and I planned a trip with my parents and grandfather to go visit my great Aunt Sophie in Florida. We took my grandfather (age 93 at the time) to visit his sister (age 91 at the time). We stayed at a hotel on the beach. I very quickly realized that it did not matter where I was or who I was with – my grief and sadness came with me. I could not run from it or hide. I had to face it. This was my life and I had to figure out how to live it.
Jackie Kennedy Onassis once said:
“I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”
It has been 5 years, 2 months and 2 days since Jake’s funeral. It has been 10 months and 2 days since Sawyer’s funeral. Today, I was lucky enough to spend playing with the princess, the pirate and their dad.
The princess and the pirate
11 Months
October 18, 2010 at 3:10 pm | Posted in mourning, silver lining, traditions | 10 CommentsYesterday we should have been taking 11 month pictures of Sawyer. A very close and clever friend told me about taking pictures of her son with a sign of his age. She said it makes it easier to go back and put the pictures in a scrapbook. Well, I have yet to make any scrapbooks but I did borrow her idea and take the pictures.
Every month I would print a sign. We would put the twins in pottery barn chairs from their great grandparents. One of us would sing head, shoulders, knees and toes and the other one would snap as many pictures as possible. Hopefully, we would get both twins looking at the camera and/or smiles. For example:
Smiles, sort of looking at the camera
Both looking at the camera, no smiles
The day after taking the pictures I would email them to family and friends. Jake only lived 2 weeks so we were not able to take any month pictures. On December 17th, 2009 we did take 1 month pictures of Sawyer. We improvised and used one of the twins’ chairs with a Sawyer towel over the name. Sawyer’s pottery barn chair arrived in the mail the week after he passed away. Here is one of those pictures.
Sawyer - 1 month
Today, the day I should be sending out Sawyer’s 11 month pictures, I am instead emailing this blog. And, the twins’ 11 month picture:
1 smiling & looking at camera; both - haircuts
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