Next Steps (2006)

November 8, 2010 at 7:58 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 1 Comment

January, 2006 made me realize I needed help.   We were already in therapy.   My family and friends could not help me.  I needed to help myself.  I had to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.

I very slowly came up with a plan.   My plan had several steps.  It would be revised, it would change and evolve.   (In December of 2009 it would be shattered)

1.   I needed to look for a full-time job.   Running my own business was not working.   I could not keep myself organized.  I could not concentrate.   I just wanted to wake up, get dressed and go to the same place every day. 

2.  Evan and I needed to find a support group.   Support groups were suggested to us several times.   However, up till this point I was not able to handle anyone else’s sad story.   I could barely deal with our own.   Now, I needed to see how other parents got up every morning after their child (or children) had died.

3.  The most frightening part of the plan – we started to talk about trying to have another baby.

Excerpt from Thoughts on Becoming a Mother (read at the 2006 Atlanta Walk to Remember)
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that G-d leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife,
a better aunt,
a better daughter,
neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
– Author Unknown

1 Comment »

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  1. I am crying. You are a wonderful mother.

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