How are you? (part 2)

November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments
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This question has got to be one of the most common greetings.  I wrote my first post about it.  People really just want you to say all is well and move on.  I used to be able to do that.  I would even ask the question myself.  After Jake died, I could not any longer.  It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?”  I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question.  I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all.  I say things like, “I am hanging in here.”  Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”

I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time.  Jake and Sawyer did die.  I am always sad about their deaths.  I do try to still live.  However, I never truly feel fine.  Until this weekend.  In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?”  And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?”  And then he defined fine for me:

F*!*!D UP   INSECURE   NEUROTIC   EMOTIONAL

I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”

Namaste.

Dear Sawyer

November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old.  We should be planning your birthday party.  The invitations should have been sent.  I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone.  It is mostly your dad.  I am not so good with the headstones.  It should be finalized soon.  I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day.  I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground.  I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon.  I am going to try to prepare myself.  I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone.  It is just so permanent. 

Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling.  I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party.  People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling.  I know.  When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying).   We will figure it out.  Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward.  We have to breathe.  We have to live in a world without you and your brother. 

I miss you so much sweet Sawyer.  Where are you?  Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you.  I like to think that you are playing with Jake.  Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you.   I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.  

Love always,
Mommy

Humpty Dumpty & Hope

October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 Comments
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In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer.  Evan and I went to the ER.  It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home.  I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section.  Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin.  It is no longer given to women for preterm labor.  My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.

When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant.  In my mind that was great.  Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died.  After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person.  Growing up I always believed in happily ever after.  Everything would be ok.  In 2005 my innocence was shattered.  However, I somehow lived through that awful year. 

The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine.   (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion). 

The twins were born at 35 weeks.  Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks.  Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth.  Jake was 2 lbs.  My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear.  Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated.  I am still piecing myself back together.  I might be working on this for the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.

However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.

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