Telling the Twins part 2

April 4, 2011 at 1:14 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 Comments
Tags: , ,

Evan and I have tried our best to explain to the twins that Jake, Sawyer and Mom Mom are dead.  It is hard to tell what actually is going on in their 3 1/2 year-old minds.  However, every once in a while they give us some insight into what they are comprehending.  The other week they came home from school and announced that one of their teachers had died. 

“Are you sure?” I asked.

They both answered, “Yes, she was not at school today or last day (yesterday).  She died.” 

I quickly tried to reassure them, “She is probably on vacation or home sick.”  They both look as if a light bulb just went off in their little minds. 

They both happily clarify, “Yes, that is it.  She got sick and then she died.”

You will all be happy to know that their preschool teacher is alive and well.  She went to a wedding and is back at school.  Evan and I clearly have some more explaining about death to do. . .

In my next attempt I am going to tell them the following story:

Waterbugs and Dragonflies : Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney
Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.”Look!” said one of the water bugs to another. “One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went….Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…

“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”

“We promise”, they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air……. 

 
 
 

 

Waterbug 1

Waterbug 2

 

 

More Magic Moments

February 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mother, silver lining | 15 Comments
Tags: , , , , ,

As I wrote in this post,  I try to appreciate good moments.  For the past 2 weeks Evan, the twins and I have been at Evan’s mother’s house.  My amazing mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer 18 years ago.   She was on a form of oral chemo through the spring of 2003.  At that time the cancer came back in her bones.  Since 2005 she has had chemo 3 weeks on and 1 week off.  She had beaten all the odds until this year.

We are here spending time with her.  It is not easy but worth it.  Every day there are some good moments.   A rabbi has been coming to the house.  She explained a Hebrew term called “yikar.”  There is no exact translation but it means “treasure” or “gem.”   I try to etch these moments into my memory so that I will always have them.

I cannot help but think of precious moments we had with Jake and Sawyer.  All of Jake’s time with us was in the NICU but there were some good moments.  The days when Jake was doing well and reducing his reliance on the ventilators.  The day that I was able to change Jake’s diaper for the first (and only) time.  I always smile when I think of the one and only time Evan changed Jake.  Jake peed on his dad.

We were lucky enough to have more magic moments with Sawyer.  Among my favorites are bringing him home from the hospital and introducing him to the twins.  Evan’s mom was not able to meet Sawyer.  The weekend that they were supposed to visit was the weekend that the twins got sick.  Her immune system was compromised and we could not take a chance that the twins would get her sick.  The trip was postponed.  Sawyer died before they were able to visit.

One day last week it was unseasonably warm.  Evan’s mom was able to sit on the back deck.  She was able to visit with some friends.  The twins played in the snow and mud.  I will try to focus on the yikar – the treasured moments that we are able to capture.

Sawyer’s Story (part 5): Craziness on Christmas Day 2009

January 8, 2011 at 12:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 9 Comments
Tags: , , ,

As I wrote here, the twins were sick.  We were all home.  We were going stir crazy.  On Christmas Day the JCC had a Family Fun Day (this is what Jewish kids do on Christmas before they are taught to go out for Chinese food and a movie).  Evan and I decided it would be in everyone’s best interest if I took the twins.  I planned to meet some friends.  There were a few problems with my plan:

  1. I did not purchase tickets in advance.  So, I had to wait in line to buy tickets.  The twins have very little no patience.  They would not wait in line.  They ran into the Children’s Museum area of the JCC and would not leave. 
  2. Two hours later I realized, I needed to start wrapping things up so I could go home and feed Sawyer. 
  3. One twin proceeded to behave completely inappropriately in public while the other twin had a near blow out of his diaper.
  4. I needed to get us all to the bathroom asap.  Neither of the twins would go willingly.
  5. I had to drag them kicking and screaming to the bathroom.
  6. Finally, I wrestled one down long enough to change the diaper.  Blow out averted.

Next plan was to go home before I exploded (as I mentioned in #2 – I needed to feed Sawyer or pump or do something soon).  Next obstacle – the twins did not want to leave.  Once again I had to drag them kicking and screaming towards the exit.  My post C-section body was no match for the 2 1/2 year-old twins.  I somehow got them out to the parking lot and just started crying.  Neither of the twins would walk.  The car was parked way far away.  Two separate women who I don’t know stopped to ask if I needed help.  If either of these women are by any chance reading this I want to tell them “thank you and I should have taken you up on your offer.”

I still am not sure how but I got the twins into the car.  Before strapping them into their car seats I called Evan.  Through my tears I told him that I was driving home with the twins and passing them off.  And, I did.  Evan met me in the garage holding Sawyer.  I took Sawyer and went to feed him. 

Evan worked some sort of magic and got the twins down for a nap.  Then he and Sawyer decided to take a nap too.  I was still recovering from my big morning out with the twins but I was so excited that the night nurse was coming that night.   I knew I would be able to sleep soon enough.  So, while everyone was sleeping I did laundry, dishes, wrote thank you notes and took this picture.  I did not know then that it would be the last picture taken of Sawyer. 

 

Sawyer’s Story (part 3): Tuesdays

December 20, 2010 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 Comments
Tags: , , ,

As I previously wrote, everyone in our house was exhausted in December of 2009.  The twins were getting better but were still house bound.  After a few days we were going stir crazy.  Tuesday of that week it was time for the twins to take a nap and for me to feed Sawyer.  The twins did not want to take a nap.  After reading a lot of books and singing every song I know, I thought I had put the twins to sleep.  I finally went to feed Sawyer.  I heard something, ignored it and continued to feed Sawyer.  A few minutes later the noise became so loud I had to go investigate. 

I held Sawyer, who was very calm despite being interrupted during his feeding, as I walked into the twins’ room.   There was pink fluffy stuff all over the room.  It took a few seconds for my brain to register what happened.   The twins opened the doors to two small unfinished storage spaces in their room.  Those doors were hard for me and Evan to open.  However, not only did the twins open the doors but they went inside and ripped out the pink fiberglass insulation.

Sawyer began to cry because he realized he was still hungry.  I was not sure what to do.  So, I closed their door.  I was pretty sleep deprived.  I figured if I shut the door maybe the image of our 2 1/2-year-old twins playing with pink fluffy insulation could really just turn out to be a dream. 

Luckily, one of my brother-in-laws was living with us at the time.  The twins affectionately named him Uncle Wacky.  Uncle Wacky was less sleep deprived and thinking much more rationally.  He cleaned up the insulation, watched the twins and saved the day.  I went to feed Sawyer and hoped the twins did not dismantle any other parts of the house.

Note:   Uncle Wacky took the picture of Sawyer in his sunglasses that is in this post.

When Evan got home from work that night we were all there and still in one piece.  I told Evan about our tough Tuesday.  However, we realized that our sleep deprived selves could not take too many more days like this one.  Evan and I began to discuss some options for more help which could possibly allow us to get more sleep.  We  also remembered another Tuesday five weeks earlier when we first met Sawyer.   Our “Tuesday’s child . . . full of grace.”  (a line from a nursery rhyme by A. E. Bray’s Traditions of Devonshire)

It is not “if” we will lose the things we love, it is “when.” 

But as we lose, can we not gain a deep knowing that in the presence of grace,

love is eternal?

– – Author Unknown

Exhaustion

December 12, 2010 at 11:44 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 2 Comments
Tags: , , ,

At the beginning of December last year a series of unrelated events began to happen at our house.  First, one of the twins had a crazy reaction to his H1N1 booster.   It was like there was a big red ring around his arm.  I took him to our pediatrician (and friend).  We got a referral to an allergist.

Second, Sawyer continued to have congestion.  We were told when he was released from the NICU that he still had extra fluid and that he might have some congestion.  So, we tried not to worry about it too much.  One set of my in-laws came to visit and meet Mr. Sawyer that first week of December, 2009.  Evan took Sawyer to the pediatrician at the end of that week.  The pediatrician said that Sawyer was congested but it was very normal for a newborn to have extra fluid or possibly a cold.  We had been putting saline drops in his nose a few times a day and that seemed to clear up the congestion.  The pediatrician said to continue the saline and Sawyer would be fine. 

Third, was the croup.  The twin without the reaction to the H1N1 shot started to cough like a seal.  I had never heard of croup but quickly found out about it when I took her to the pediatrician.  She had to have breathing treatments but did not have to be hospitalized.  The twins, who had been sleeping through the night (for the most part) for over a year, were now up quite a bit.

Sawyer was over 8 lbs. and he would go at least 3 hours between feedings.  However, between the feedings, the twins and life in general exhaustion began to set in.  I knew that lack of sleep was common with a newborn.  I also believed that we would find some balance in our lives which would involve more sleep.

As I wrote about in this post, time can be tricky.  Someone told me the following: 

Nights with a baby can be long but the days go by very quickly.  

We had no idea just how quickly our days with Sawyer would go.  Despite being tired, our days with Sawyer were much brighter and I am so very grateful for every one of them.

Life with Sawyer

December 8, 2010 at 11:38 pm | Posted in silver lining, twins | 8 Comments
Tags: , , ,

Once Sawyer was home from the hospital the twins were fascinated him.   Meanwhile, Evan and I tried to figure out how to manage life with a newborn and 2 1/2-year-old twins.  

The moment Sawyer cried one of them would run to get his pacifier.  The twins would always make sure that he was covered with at least a blanket if not other things. . .


A very wise and close friend advised me and Evan that at our wedding we should stop every once in a while and just enjoy the moment.   I thought our wedding would go by very quickly and it did.   I did not think that our time with Sawyer would be so quick.   I wish I had stopped to just enjoy more moments with Sawyer.

Awkward Appointments & Awesome Acting

December 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning | 6 Comments
Tags: , , ,

I was cast in one of the lead roles in my 6th grade play, The Taming of the Shrew.  Andrew Schulz had to kiss me on stage but that is different story.  My acting career pretty much began and ended right there in 1982 in my elementary school all-purpose room.  Until I became a bereaved parent.  In 2005, I was cast in the role of a mother with a newborn son who died.  In 2009, I was cast for the role once again.  

William Shakespeare wrote, “all the world’s a stage.”  This is so true in the life of a bereaved parent.  I will be out to dinner or talking to someone on the phone and they will say “you are doing really great.”   I will try to remember what exactly I said or did to give such a good impression.  And, I think to myself what a good actress I am.  

Then there are other times that I seem to forget my “I am doing really great” lines.  For example, I went to the dentist the other day.   I have not been to the dentist since the week before Sawyer was born.  I have gone to the same dentist for over 10 years and I don’t mind going there.  I knew they would ask “how is the baby?”  We did not send out birth or death announcement for either Sawyer or Jake.  I could have avoided the whole thing and switched dentists (I did switch hair salons for this very reason).

I chose to stay with the same dentist and play my part as the bereaved mother.  However, my “I am doing great” lines had all been forgotten.  I am pretty forgetful these days so I should not be surprised.  Instead, I cried.  I cried and explained that our perfect baby boy had died.  Luckily (or unluckily depending how you look at it), during a dental cleaning there is only so much crying and talking you can do.

After crying through my dentist appointment I was happy to get out of there.   As I drove away I realized this was the first time in months that I had spoken about Sawyer for so long.  Now that I think about it maybe the title of this blog works both ways – it could also be awesome appointments and awkward acting.

« Previous Page

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.