A Mourning Mom

Last Day of Kindergarten

Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins.  They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.”  I am so very happy watching them grow up.  This is what I want.  The twins are alive and growing.  So, why am I sad?

I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up.  There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know.  Logically, I know this is true.  However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.

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There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap.  No 7-year-old next to me.  However, I am here in the land of the living.  Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer.  Life is bittersweet.  Miraculous and Miserable.

Ready or not . . .