Sunshine and Rain

January 30, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 7 Comments
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Weather is a great metaphor for life – sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad,
and there’s nothing much you can do about it but carry an umbrella.
~Terri Guillemets

Thank you for all the well wishes.  Today was sunny and both of the twins went to preschool.   This time of year the birthdays, anniversaries and yahrzeits for Jake and Sawyer are over.  The “pressure to be happy because it the holidays” is over too.   The dark days are a little less dark.

It helps that the sun has been shining and this winter has not been too cold.  There has been a lot of rain and sometimes there are storms.  It is all part of life.  I wish some of the storms were not quite so severe but no one asked me.

When it does rain the twins usually belt out a few verses of “rain, rain go away.”  This brings a smile to my face.  If that does not do the trick then I can always fall back on the song Blame it on the rain by Milli Vanilli.  “You can blame it on the rain. . .You got to blame it on something” is then stuck in my head for the rest of the day.  So, even on the dark rainy days there is some light.

My New Not so Normal

December 30, 2011 at 11:40 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 8 Comments
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In three words I can sum up every-
thing I’ve learned about life.
It goes on.  ~Robert Frost

I am not the same person that I was before 2005 – before Jake died.

I went to where I thought was the deepest darkest place in my life.  Then there came a day when I realized that I was still alive and I needed to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.

I called it my new normal.

I tried every day to just live.  I went to work.  I tried to interact with the rest of the world.  When the twins were born my normal life revolved around them and their routine.

I have never gotten “over” Jake but I thought my new normal was working.

Until Sawyer died.  My new normal was thrown a devastating curve ball.

There is nothing normal about 1 child dying let alone 2.   I am now attempting to live my new not so normal.

This new not so normal is not easy for anyone.  It is hard for Evan.   Family and friends suffer the loss of Jake and Sawyer as well as their own challenges and losses in life.  All I can do is try my best every day to live this new not so normal life.

I often repeat to myself a phrase that my high school track coach would yell after us as we ran, “whatever does not kill you will make you stronger.”

Tear Soup

December 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 8 Comments
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After Jake died many people gave us books to read about death and grief.  I could not read any of them for a long time.  I was searching for steps to get through the grief.  The first book I managed to read was Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen.  There are a lot of pictures and the story is simple.  The book does not provide the “steps” I was looking for but it did help me.

The main character is Grandy, a wise old woman.  She has suffered a big loss but the exact nature of the loss is not mentioned.  She goes into her kitchen and cooks a batch of Tear Soup.  The soup is made of memories and lots of tears.  She cooks the soup throughout the book.  She never really finishes cooking the soup but she does put some of it into the refrigerator to take out at a later time.

At the end of the book there are tips for the cook.  I thought I would share a few of them:

• Grief is the process you go through as you adjust to the loss of anything or anyone important in your life.

 • The loss of a job, a move, divorce, death of someone you love, or a change in health status are just a few of the situations that can cause grief.  

• Grief is both physically and emotionally exhausting.  It is also irrational and unpredictable and can shake your very foundation. 

• The amount of “work” your grief requires will depend on your life experiences, the type of loss, and whatever else you have on your plate at that time.

• A sudden, unexpected loss is usually more traumatic, more disruptive and requires more time to adjust to. 

• You may lose trust in your own ability to make decisions and/or to trust others. 

• Assumptions about fairness, life order, and religious beliefs are often challenged. 

• Seasons, with their colors and climate, can also take you back to that moment in time when your world stood still. 

• You may sense you have no control in your life .

.• Being at work may provide a relief from your grief, but as soon as you get in the car and start driving home you may find your grief come flooding back. 

• You may find that you are incapable of functioning in the work environment for a short while. 

• Because grief is distracting it also means you are more accident-prone. 

• The object of grieving is not to get over the loss or recover from the loss but to get through the loss. 

• Over the years you will look back and discover that this grief keeps teaching you new things about life.  Your understanding of life will just keep going deeper.

These days between Sawyer’s birthday and the day he died are difficult.  I try to look back at what helped me in the past and hope that it will get me through these dark days.

“It is always darkest before the dawn.”  Proverb

Perspective (part 2)

December 10, 2011 at 11:26 pm | Posted in Grief, why I write | 5 Comments
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I did not know that my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George had 2 children predecease them until my aunt’s funeral in the summer of 2009.  The rabbi spoke about Mitchell and a little girl.  I had never heard about the baby girl.  I asked my grandfather.  He told me that the baby was born and only lived for a few days.  My grandfather was almost 97 at the time and could not remember any more details.  No one alive knew why the baby girl had died or if she had a name.

I thought back to my visit with Aunt Sophie right after Jake had died.  It was 6 months after he had died and I felt like I was at rock bottom.  I had asked her how she survived the death of her child.  She was in her 90’s and responded to my question that she could not remember – it was all so long ago.  I was asking about the death of Mitchell but I think she was actually referring to her baby girl.

Sawyer was born that fall and we named him after my Aunt Sophie.  Sawyer died 6 weeks later and I cursed myself for ever thinking I had been at rock bottom.  When I started to write this blog it was partly because I always want to remember.  And, if there comes a day when I cannot remember I will have written it down so others can.

I just miss you

December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is me.  Are you there?  I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays.   I was wrong.  The dark days are back.  It is part of the deal.  This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days.  They creep up.  I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard.  I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle.  I wish the rest of the world would do the same.

I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think.   It is not working this time.  So I try to act as if everything is okay.  Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine.  I cannot pretend.  Life without you and Jake is not okay.   

My arms physically ache to hold you.  Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me.  When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry.  Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?

We have given away or packed up most of your things.  We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles.  The gifts that were sent to you the week you died.  The clothes you wore that last few days of your life.  The condolence cards.  Your death certificate.  The cards of the police detectives.  They are all still here.   I wish that you were here too.

I do not want pity.  I want you.  I am just sad.  Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet.  I know that there is still light.  I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.

I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.

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