November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 Comments
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Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there.  Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday.  It was also World Prematurity Day.  Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.

November is also Prematurity Awareness Month.  Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)?  3 of our 4 children were born premature.  So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU.  If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.

Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The  Golden Sky.”  She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke.  His birthday would have been today.  In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest.  She graciously asked me to participate.  I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.

Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story.  Hopefully, one day I too will find that  “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).

EC Writes

Sweet Sawyer

November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.

We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.

I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.

I have so many things that I want to ask you:

Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?

There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.

Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!

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