Sweet Sawyer
November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, SUIDS, unexplainable
Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.
We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.
I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.
I have so many things that I want to ask you:
Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?
There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!
24 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a Reply to kelcey Cancel reply
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 
Happy Birthday Sawyer — I will always remember my short time with you. You have a great mommy, daddy, sister and brother.
Comment by Patty— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday sweet Sawyer.
Comment by Lisa— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer. Your mommy and daddy and sister and brothers will forever hold you in their hearts. Until you all meet again, hold them in your heart as well.
Blessings Lanie, Blessings,
Linda
Comment by The Good Cook— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday to Sweet Sawyer. You are so sadly missed by your adoring family and by those of us who didn’t even get the chance to meet you.
Comment by Daphne— November 17, 2011 #
I’m so sorry that you can’t hold Sawyer but you are honoring his sweet soul. Wishing you peace.
Comment by Steph— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer. Lanie, what a profoundly beautiful letter. Your love for all your children is so powerful. It has an impact on us all, and for that I am grateful.
All my thoughts are with you today. Love, Amy
Comment by Amy Johnson— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday to you, Sawyer! Even though I never met you I know you are are so very loved by your amazing Mommy, Daddy, sister and brothers. Please watch over them and send them peace and love today and always.
Love,
Beth
Comment by Beth T.— November 17, 2011 #
I send you wishes and prayers…
Comment by Adeel Salman— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday to you Sawyer! Your family misses you and loves you and your brother Jake so much. May peace be with all.
Comment by Eden— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday, Sawyer. He’s beautiful.
I hope our little boys are having a birthday party in Heaven. Sawyer must feel so very loved!
Comment by Elisa— November 17, 2011 #
Sending so much warm love to your family; thinking of all six of you with prayers.
Comment by dilovely— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer! We’re blowing birthday kisses into the sunshine, so catch them when they get there!
Comment by Kristin— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer!! I think, and hope, that somewhere out there, Sawyer and Jake are celebrating with their very special grandmother. There are loads of white balloons, shining stars, a smiling moon, and love and laughter that never ends. Lanie and Evan, I hope you feel their laughter and love raining down on you. Today and always . . .
Comment by Maryanne— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer! May you know how very loved and missed you are today.
Comment by Reese— November 17, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer and thank you for sharing such a beautiful letter.
Comment by Cate— November 18, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer – will light a candle here and sing happy birthday!
Comment by Susan FB— November 18, 2011 #
What a beautiful baby. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. Your post is a wonderful tribute. Your newest follower from the blogfest~Lisa
Comment by LisaLadrido (@LisaLadrido)— November 18, 2011 #
Happy birthday, Sawyer xo
Comment by Ali Barnes— November 18, 2011 #
Happy Birthday Sawyer. My heart aches at the unfairness of life. I’m thinking about you and your family and sending you strength. xoxo
Comment by jodi— November 19, 2011 #
Lanie- as always I thank you for opening up yourself to share your heart and thoughts. I know what an incredibly difficult time of year this is. But saying that makes it seem like other parts of the year are not difficult which is not true.
Today and always we love and remember Sawyer and Jake and hold you just a little closer in our hearts. Love you!
Comment by meredith— November 19, 2011 #
Sending lots of love to you and sawyer. xo
Comment by kelcey— November 20, 2011 #
Oh this just breaks my heart. I wish Sawyer was here with you and you were writing a much different kind of birthday letter to him.
Comment by Jessica (@fourplusanangel)— November 25, 2011 #
[…] you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you […]
Pingback by Sweet Sawyer (& Spam) | A Mourning Mom— November 14, 2013 #
[…] I try to enjoy the moments with the twins. Moments I know that I will never have with Jake or Sawyer. The Mother’s Day teas, the musical performances, the recitals, field days and the end of […]
Pingback by The End of the School Year & Everything in Between | A Mourning Mom— May 20, 2014 #